Top 40 Quotes, Part 2

So the other day when I said I was retiring those quotes… no.  I found more.  And while these ones may not live up to the hilarity of the ones from a few days ago, they’re still pretty funny.

40. J.L., after someone made a crude remark about his mother: “If I had a soul, I’d be offended.”

39. D.G., after I signed up to sing a karaoke song with a married woman who was notorious for running around behind her husband’s back: “You and Katie are singing Paradise By The Dashboard Light? You should sign it Katie and Not Katie’s Husband.”

38. N.C., confidently betting me several dollars that I could not answer a trivia question: “Alright, name someone whose name starts with the letter A!”

37. J.L., finding a dirty old rag to dry off with: “Old skanky towel! Problem solved.”

36. J.L., on a close friendship:
L.K.: “Why are we such good friends?”
J.L.: “I don’t know… sexual attraction?”

35. C.M., planning out the next time he sees a close friend: “Luke, that skinny bastard! I’m gonna push him over the next time I see him.”

34. E.B., showing off hometown pride: “That’s right, Chanhassen is home to both AmericInn and Prince. Put that up your twat and smoke it!”

33. R.G., after Josh Schuh threw his shoe at Jake Drotzman: “Jake, you should throw your Drotzman at him!”

32. N.V., as a couple college bachelors hit the road to see a big Bon Jovi concert: “Okay Glanz, two ground rules for the trip. There’s to be no girls, and no drinking.”

31. C.G., on her grand-daughter’s prom date:
J.G.: “I was at the tanning bed getting ready for prom.”
C.G.: “Is Tanning Bed the name of the boy you’re taking to the prom?”

30. J.L., on what makes him so funny:
E.B.: “You are so funny!”
J.L.: “Just wait until I get the magic potion in me!”
C.M.: “It’s called alcohol.”
J.L.: “If you think that’s funny, wait until you find out the magic potion is semen.”

29. C.F., and her pitiful first attempt at running Scales, the “Guess Your Age” game at Valleyfair:
Guest: “Can you guess my age?”
C.F.: “I don’t know… 40?”
Guest: “No.”
C.F.: “Pick a prize.”

28. L.B., the high school football coach explaining my gruesome broken leg injury to me as I lay sprawled on the football field, leg swaying side to side: “I’d estimate you’ll be out two-to-four weeks.”

27. R.G., on upcoming schedule:
E.B.: “Are you going to Twinsfest?”
R.G.: “Those dates aren’t looking too promising. I think I may have some prior engagements.”
E.B.: “What prior engagements?”
R.G.: “Umm… none. I just made that up. I wanted to make it seem like I have a life that revolves around something other than the Minnesota Twins. But I don’t.”

26. P.L., making a funny remark on the state of affairs at Valleyfair:
R.G.: “It was so hot out the other day I couldn’t stand it.”
P.L.: “Don’t they let you run through the sprinklers anymore?”
R.G.: “No, Ron put a stop to that.”
P.L.: “Geez, what is this, Valleyfair Auschwitz?”

25. A.M., on why I shouldn’t vacation in Jamaica:
A.M.: “Shit, you don’t want to go to Jamaica.”
R.G.: “Really? Why not?”
A.M.: “Uhh… fucking Jamaicans everywhere.”

24. M.G., singing a song to a 4-year-old toddler after a dental procedure: “Puff the magic Grandma had no teeth, and smoke marijuana to provide relief!”

23. M.G., singing a song about options for breakfast foods: “What would you like for breakfast, what would you like to eat? Would you like some cereal, or a piece of meat?”

22. J.L., on drinking:
J.L.: “Oh God… this booze smells bad.”
N.S.: “Then don’t drink it!”
J.L.: “Nick, you don’t understand, drinking makes me feel good.”
N.S.: “Not if it tastes bad.”
J.L.: “You’re wrong!”

21. J.L., on arguments with a friend:
N.S.: “Every time we argue a point you just raise your voice and yell at me.”
J.L.: “Yeah cause it shuts you up, you dumb bitch!”

20. T.L., being teased by college kids: “Seriously, fuck all you asshole kids. Stop touching my nipples. My pants just fell down.”

19. R.G., when learning of a girl’s new boyfriend at Valleyfair:
A.J.: “So… I’m dating Jason Anderson now!”
R.G.: “[high-pitched woman scream]!!!”
A.J.: (slaps me in face) “Jerk.”
R.G.: “What?! That was a scream of approval!”

18. B.T., on e-mails sent to a Mormon co-worker at Microboards Technology:
B.T.: “Aaron, did you read that e-mail I sent you?”
A.P.: “No. Maybe if you sent me something that didn’t have the word ‘penises’ in the subject line I’d read it.”
B.T.: “Hey, I send you what you’re interested in.”

17. M.G., upon hearing of my plans to attend a concert:
R.G.: “So I’m going to the Trace Adkins Badonokadonk World Tour! Jealous?”
M.G.: “Oh God, I’d rather slit my wrists.”

16. J.L., upon learning of my lack of drinks in hand:
J.L.: “God dammit, finish your drink.”
R.G.: “I did!”
J.L.: “Bullshit, finish it!”
R.G.: “It is finished!”
J.L.: “Then what is that cup right there?”
R.G.: “This is the melted ice from your drink!”
J.L.: “God dammit… Make another drink!”

15. S.C., on learning about his doppleganger:
R.G.: “Steve, Patrick and I saw your exact double at the bar tonight!”
S.C.: “Fuck no. Ain’t nobody this good looking.”

14. J.W., Vice President of Microboards, on his productivity:
“I was about as worthless as tits in a bowl today.”

13. P.L., on an upcoming highly-anticipated racquetball game: “You can tell Nick Sandbun his reign of terror in racquetball is over. I’m gonna fuck his shit up today.”

12. A.M., painting professor after I clearly had not been paying attention in class:
A.M.: “Ryan, what do you think about this painting? Do you have anything to add?”
R.G.: “What? Umm… I really think it’s weird that it looks like that hand has six fingers instead of five. I found that really unusual.”
A.M.: “We just spent the last twenty minutes talking about that.”

11. J.L., on an Irish song:
P.L.: “There’s a classic Irish song called ‘Fuck You, I’m Drunk.'”
J.L.: “I think I’ve heard that one before! Oh wait, that’s what my mom was singing when I came out of the womb.”

10. C.G., on her grand-daughter dating men of color: “Why do you always like to date those Caucasian men?”

9. J.G., on my arrival home from college as I headed towards the piano in the living room: “I swear to God if you so much as think about playing piano I’ll cut your testicles off.”

8. R.G., confusing the class on my feelings about an art project: “I’d say on a scale from 1-10, with 1 being very dissatisfied and 10 being extremely pleased, that I’m pretty happy with the way this picture turned out.”

7. R.G., when a college friend saw a photo hanging on the wall of what appeared to be a bosomy woman:
N.V.: “Hey Glanz, I see you got pictures of naked chicks on your wall!”
R.G.: “Nicky, that’s you.”

6. R.G., when Ron Hubner tried to gift a friend with a giant lolly:
R.H.: “Ryan, where’s Big Daddy LaPlant? I have a gift I’d like to give to him.”
R.G.: “Which one’s Big Daddy?”

5. B.N., reacting unusually happily to a friend’s car accident:
J.L.: “Yeah, it was pretty scary. I missed the corner and wrapped my car around a pole.”
B.N.: “Nice!”

4. J.L., when a female friend accidentally touched him below the waist in the backseat of a car:
E.B.: “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to get fresh with you.”
J.L.: “Trust me, there’s nothing fresh going on down there.”

3. J.L., sincerely answering a “what would you do” question:
E.B.: “You’re at the bar when you suddenly realize you’ve had too much to drink. What do you do?”
J.L.: “Throw up.”

2. S.S., on buying me a shot as I walked into a bar:
S.S.: “Glanzer! Hey, buy that son of a bitch a shot of Jager!”
Bartender: “That’ll be $3.00.”
S.S.: “What?! You’re charging me for it?!”

1. J.L., speaking as his father, giving the short version of the story of his life: “Your mom was passed out, and I thought she’d appreciate it so I slept with her. Nine months later your fat ass popped out. Get out of my house.”

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