In February 2008, Jason LaPlant and I finished answering each other’s 1,000 question interviews. A few people claimed to have read the whole thing, but everyone who saw it agreed it was quite a feat. Three months passed from the time the first question was written to the time the interviews were posted on ryanglanzer.com. A little over a year later, Jason broke out a few of the interview questions during his best man speech at my and Lauren’s wedding reception, proving that the interviews were anything but a complete waste of time. I have often wondered if anyone else in the world has ever done this.
Anyway, I have decided these need to be revisited. Today, I am re-posting the entire 1,000 questions asked by me and answered by Jason.
1. What is one fact you know about Microboards Technology?
that the elephant in the front of the building is something i think about weekly
2. How often for you is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
i will say always otherwise it is a closure not a tunnel i think
3. When you make a joke that no one gets, do you let it die or try to explain yourself and save it?
i try to let it die but then i panic and over explain it till i get the courteousy laugh
4. If you owned a reputable business and a marketing advisor suggested you use profanity in your advertising, would you allow it?
yes i would and probably find the campaign so enjoyable the business would fail
5. Do you want to rock and roll all night and party every day?
you know honesly no that would be exhausting but every three days would be good
6. If a genie came to your bedroom at night and said you could relive any single minute of 2007, what minute would it be?
mastorbation session October 3rd 9:07 AM
7. Do you find area codes helpful or confusing?
very very confusing unless they are pretty obvious i will not get them
8. How good are you at wrapping presents?
fucking terrible i had the old ladies at habitat fo humanity do it this year
9. Would you substitute Jagermeister and water for each other for one week?
for the sake of science yes
10. What is the last physical thing you purchased that cost over $150?
i think i bought the dreamcast but since highschool there is not one phsichal thing i could think of
11. Would you want the Smashing Pumpkins to play your wedding even if Patrick singing for three hours was the opening act?
oh my christ yes hell i would let patrick do that no matter what
12. If you could join a family other than your own and start a traveling band, whose family would it be?
vincent arp’s
13. Is it funny when people react badly to bad news?
not usually but i am sure i think it is funny more often than most
14. When I tell you a story, what percentage do you figure is true?
94-98%
15. Would you drop absolutely everything this minute to come pick me up from the circus if I asked you to?
yes if you got me a sno cone
16. If you could earn $27 an hour kissing everyone who walked into Wal-Mart on the lips, would you do it? And if they didn’t want a kiss, you had to force one on them.
if there were no legal problems i would give it a shot
17. Inspired by true events on movie screens, who is a one-man wrecking machine?
Daniel Day Lewis
18. You are put in charge of a Microboards Friday lunch and you have $320 to work with. What do you get for everyone?
i would make an inexpensive beef stew at home purchase 12 packs of wonderbread ten packs of little debbies, 12 2 liters and pocket the rest
19. If you could fly to Japan for free but not get off the plane and then just turn around and fly back, would you do it?
oh yah that would be cool a window seat would be nice
20. If you just drive through a state but don’t really do anything there, do you still claim that you have visited that state?
yah i claim new yourk and we didn’t really do anything there
21. What do you think of when I say “erection election?”
an election based on longest sustain erection which would be awesome
22. Have you ever been to the Omaha Von Maur where the shootings occurred the other day?
i have been in that mall but if you told me non maur sold slaves i would have to go in there for the first time to find out
23. Which cause of disease is most likely for you: eating contaminated food or sexually transmitted?
food unless some kind of fungus from my hand counts
24. What do you think the letters MDR stand for?
the first thing that cam to mind was madison discount rice
25. Which band would you most like to see cover “Time After Time”?
arrested development
26. Have you ever seen a movie that ended so abruptly that it ruined it for you?
movies that have abrupt endings make a movie better for me and usually bad ones don’t use that technique
27. Does the name Travis Kasel mean anything to you?
yah it sounds like one of jeff’s college friends or a baseball player
28. Have you ever played Tic-Tac-Toe with Patrick?
yah and i think he beat me i never remember the sure things
29. Do you think Jeff will meet the love of his life working at Oasis Market?
prognosis negative unless the love of his life enjoys over priced energy drinks which would suck
30. What is the most annoying thing about living at Parkway Apartments?
there lack of interest in me personally
31. Do you ever use accordian style folders?
i think at the theater we kept the invntory sheets in them but currently no
32. Would you like to have a one-on-one four-course meal with presidential hopeful Ron Paul?
yah i bet that would be very inciteful if the food doesn’t suck
33. Would you ever consider paying once to go through a buffet for lunch and dinner and just killing some time at your table in between?
if a group was up for it yes but alone is pretty sad even for me
34. Who is the whitest non-albino person you know?
well andy at work is alwys making fun af asians and he is asian and curses at me in his language
35. Can you draw well?
fuck no i was blown away when someone showed me how to draw a simple house
36. Would you ever eat at a restaurant where you picked the cow you wanted to eat and they killed it in front of you?
no that is pretty messed up but if i could season a sheep i picked with my semen i would pay for that
37. How accurate of a free throw shot do you have?
probably 20 to 25 percent
38. What is the single worst karaoke performance you can recall seeing?
i bet if you just listened to the audio of colin and patrick at the vf your ears would bleed
39. Do you like grits?
tried them once and was not impressed
40. Would you consider trading wardrobes with Patrick for one week? You would have to wear each other’s clothes everywhere.
i don’t think i could fit into that dork’s clothes
41. Would you like the midnight wind to blow through your hair?
yah that would be alright
42. Have you ever experienced a situation where there was not a dry eye in the house?
i use to cry when i watched movies by myself so yah lots of times unless someone was hiding
43. Have you ever spent a lot of time rehearsing lines?
not since a third grad play where i played an old man
44. Nick and I come to you at the same time and you hear simultaneous requets: “Racquetball and Perkins?” and “Twins game and drinking?” What do you do?
come on unless nick can figure out away for me to comfortably drink while playing raqcuetball that is too easy
45. Patrick and Liz accuse you of being an anti-Semite. What’s your reaction?
thank them for finally figuring it out and invite them to a hitler’s penis viewing
46. Aaron Pratt asks for you to babysit his seven kids and he’ll pay you in silver. What’s your reaction?
i would do it take silver and leave box of condoms by his bed with a note that said no more
47. You become a pro athlete and it’s time to pick your jersey number… what is it?
64
48. The fate of New Hampshire depends on your ability to take five straight shots of tequila without throwing up. Are they doomed?
ok if it was when i just woke up with nothing in my stomach maybe otherwise goodbye New Hammy
49. Would you rather be a grouchy union laborer or a precious baby kitty?
baby kitty labor sucks
50. Have you ever hallucinated?
can’t go into too much detail if i ever want a real job but yes
51. What do you think of when I say “Texas tornado?”
oversized breakfast burrito
52. Would you make fun of a first grader to his face for $20?
yah cause in like 7 years i wouldn’t be able to stand them anyways
53. If you could have a big chunk of chocolate in the form of anything, what would it be?
me as a first grader
54. If you had to name a band after a combination of a disease and a food, what would it be?
cholera cake
55. Where do the dogs of society howl?
strip clubs with free appetizers and good drink specials
56. Is there some advice you’ve given where you had bad intentions?
yes telling someone a drink at caribou that isn’t that great but easy for me to make daily
57. If Cooney and Trey Wingo from SportsCenter fought, who would win?
i’ll take cooney
58. Are you capable of taking care of a pet?
yah but there is minimal interest at best unless intoxicated
59. Do you need special software?
nope unless movie quiz is special
60. Would you accept a scholarship to an all-black all-male college to study costemtic science under the tutilage of C. Everett Koop?
yah i would be a fool not to
61. What do you think of when I say “it’s a beautiful thing!”
a monkey staring at a seal’s genitalia
62. Fill in the blanks: Jeff can go ________ that tree and __________.
butter, explain his actions
63. If you, me, Jenna Fisher, and Matthew LeCroy were snowed in my apartment together for one week with no chance of escape and all we had was a stack of DVDs and 20 boxes of wine, would you be happy or sad?
oh my god if you know me at all youu would realize there could not be a better scenario food would be nice though and no hitting on lecroy glanzer
64. If you could play matchmaker, would you set Jenna Fisher up with Matthew LeCroy or Nick?
got to be nick lecroy could have any woman he wants
65. What is easier to digest—lots of Indian food or lots of whiskey?
i think my body is ready for whiskey first
66. If you won the Canadian Lottery but could only keep the money if you lived in Canada, what would you do?
nope i couldn’t live on molson’s and gravy covered cheese fries
67. If you had triplet boys and had to give them similar-sounding names, what would they be?
whata, stupida, mistaka
68. Do you think there’s someone who loves to sit in the audience for every taping of Wheel of Fortune?
yah that is the kind of human interest story i would love to hear about
69. Who would play Nick in a made-for-TV movie?
yah but i would have to have some raqcuetball and being a lame ass training… sorry nick
70. What sort of reenactment would you most like to participate in?
gettysburgh involving 10 yettis for each side
71. Have you ever been to a one-horse town?
as far as i know no
72. If Patrick worked in a soup kitchen and raved about how good it made him feel to help the less fortunate, would you join him?
i would give it a shot i could use the heaven points in my getting into heaven system i call a religion
73. What are your feelings towards the Swiss?
pretty good chocolate makers and their knives should come with replacement tweezers and toothpicks
74. Are people with eye patches cool?
yah they are but i hope it never becomes a real trend it is kind of the saving grace of a painful eye incident that you get thet patch
75. Finish this sentence: Glanzer and Nick were caroling the other day when _____________.
someone told them their community service was over and Nick asked ” what community service”?
76. Finish this sentence: As I was trying to zip up my pants, a fly ______________.
saw my penis and crawled in
77. If there was a show called Mexican Gladiators, would you watch?
yah but for some reason it seems kind of racist
78. What message was being conveyed in the song Mmmm Bop?
hey girls this is catchy as fuck how about a hand job your friends the hanson brothers
79. Who is the greatest one-hit wonder music artist of our time?
that is tough maybe skee lo
80. Would you rather be a one-hit wonder or a mildly successful artist for a few years?
one hit i would want it all at once because i think being famous probably is only fun for awhile
81. What kind of a society are we living in where Jeff LaPlant can’t dance through a crowd of people pushing them aside without getting in trouble for it by bouncers?
a terrible one and thank you remembering that is always a belly laugh in my book
82. If you were the police, would you try to catch real criminals or just sit and wait for someone to break the law by speeding or parking illegally?
if i were in the police department something has gone terribly wrong and society is no longer worried about things like speeding and tickets so yah kick ass crime fighter
83. Do you believe most people are honest and hard-working?
nope
84. If you saw a recurring ghost most nights, would you be able to sleep alone again?
yah in my experience it seems like you can get use to anything
85. If you heard a child’s voice echoing through your bedroom asking you to “come play,” what would your reaction be?
yell ahhhh make sure roomies weren’t messing with me and get the fuck out
86. Do you know of a movie where a black man and a dog were the stars?
i am legend, any buddy comedy starring samuel l jackson and one of the baldwins
87. Would you be offended if someone confused you for Anthony LaPanta?
no but i would speak and become 100 times more interesting to them
88. If your name was Jessica, would you hide from your identity?
well this is the first question i have no fucking idea what you mean don’t worry you will be answering ones like this too so no i guess
89. Is David Copperfield still cool?
nope if you looked up lame he would be listed
90. Do you like transparent overhead slides?
no bad memories of thinking it was wrong in elementray school that we had to clean them and then deal with the smudges during a lesson and then wait while the teacher took care of it when it would of been much easier for her to clean it in the first place
91. If you owned a movie theater and I wanted to be in charge of concessions, would you slap Nick?
yah every part of that scenario seems worth it and i would let nick work there or just see movies with a reasonable discount
92. What do you think of special holiday flavored coffees at Caribou?
hate them god damn egg nog is worse than the devil’s anal leakage in my book
93. Do you want to take a break from this survey and come over and have a Leinenkugel’s Apple Spice beer?
yah but at this point it is 9:07 AM
94. If I gave you the option of drinking one can of beer or 35 cans of beer, and you had to finish all of them in 12 hours, which would you choose?
35 duhsville
95. Would you inject Art Alexakis from Eveclear with a toxic snake venom if he would in turn write a song about you playing left tackle for the 1981 Cleveland Browns?
no thanks don’t like the singer the football team or handling snake venom
96. Would you ever go a-courtin’ with a froggy?
what the fuck glanzer well i will assume froggy from the little rascals and say yes
97. Put a new spin on this old children’s rhyme: Hey diddle diddle, the cat played the fiddle, _____________.
that nuclear holocaust that made cat’s able to play fiddles was fucked up
98. If Dunder Mifflin was a real paper company, how successful would they be?
branch close after two months
99. I’m 9.9% finished writing questions. Do you think I can keep the next 901 fresh?
yes but based on my experience it was good to take breaks and some of mine weren’t that fresh
100. Have you ever told a girl not to get you anything for Christmas?
yah but she informed me we hadn’t been seeing eachother that long and the gift would be paid for with the money i gave her for anal sex
101. Were you ever disappointed with the outcome of a RyanGlanzer.com award?
if i am completely honest when i don’t win the drunkest, funniest or overall award i am a little
102. Does Wayne Brady have a bright future?
i like the guy from an average person’s standpoint i would say yes
103. Does Sandra Bullock do it for you sexually?
yah i wouldn’t kick her out of a family christmas party
104. Would you rather see Phillip Seymour Hoffman sleep with Nick or Cal Ripken sleep with Jeff, and why?
Hoffman because he would do a better job of acting like he likes it
105. Do you ever end sentences by trailing off?
yah and usually no one notices or cares
106. Do you think the Japanese who first come to America with little knowledge of the English language can understand most English conversation?
no most conversations are hard to follow for me and i am like 60% proficient in the english language
107. Would you be proud or embarassed if 25 years from now, you were telling people you are the last remaining current resident of Parkway Apartments from 2006?
i think embarassed but it could happen
108. What would it take for you to swim the English Channel?
free ticket there 10,000 dollars parliament makes channel 10 times smaller, remaining channel drained cleaned refilled with guiness
109. If you could be any celebrity’s ass for a day, whose would it be?
Gary Busey’s i never see him sitting very long and wow the stories i could tell
110. What brand of dish soap do you use?
target generic
111. Who, in general, is the most difficult person you deal with at Caribou?
oh there is this asshole who orders straight epsresso like he is a bad as small talks with the girls looks at me funny and then ask for milk and basically turns the espresso into a lattee
112. Caribou or gas station, which was the more enjoyable job?
the gas station was more enjoyable but at Caribou i feel a little more significant
113. If you become a Caribou manager, will you be willing to relocate?
yah i would but not to dover deleware
114. Do you have an identical twin?
yah his name is jeff and he is autistic
115. What would your reaction be if your mother told you you were really born in Rwanda?
thanks for getting me out of their before i got slaughtered
116. If it came right down to it and Nick was having a baby, would you be able to deliver it?
if i had to yes i believe i could deal with nick’s birthing process but an actual female no
117. Can you think of a movie where real-life cousins co-star?
i think spike jonze directed nic cage in adaptation when they were cousins by marriage
118. Can you think of a moment from a TV show where a character opens the fridge door, looks around, then slams it in disgust?
not specifically but Seinfeld comes to mind or boy meets world
119. I’ll set the scene for you, and you play director and tell me what should happen next: Carl Winslow sits down on the couch to watch the big game with a big sandwich and a big smile on his face. Urkel enters, then pauses for applause.
Carl: ” Hi Steve” Urkel: “The name is Stephan and don’t you fucking forget it” urkel then kills carl rapes the corpse and eats half the sandwich, Stephan as he is leaving turns back into Urkel sees what he has done and says ” Did I do that”
120. Who was a bigger cult pop phenom, Urkel, Screech, or Kimmy Gibbler?
It goes in the oder you listed them urkel was huge
121. Who was the bigger star in their prime: Pauly Shore, Rick Moranis, or Bea Arthur?
Pauly Shore but i bet the other two are happier more financial stable people
122. Does it blow your mind that if Bart Simpson was really 10 years old when the show first aired in 1987, he should technically be 30 today?
it does it also makes me feel kind of old
123. What do cool kids never have time for?
mario party marathons
124. If you could go back in time and run a gas station with a friend that rented VHS tapes and Nintendo games in 1994, would you?
no for the simple reason i would miss seing new movies
125. Would you start wearing a turbin to work if I agreed to do the same?
yes but i would get way more shit for it from randoms
126. Who was cockier—Shaq the rapper or Shaq the basketball player?
Basketball player
127. What is a bigger joke—the Timberwolves or knock-knock jokes?
timberwolves accept for madsen
128. If you could rearrange the alphabet, what letters would come first and last?
e first q last
129. Make up a new pick-up line and I will use it.
hey little sweetness did a truck full of honey smelling lube fall on you or are you just that adorable
130. Reggie Bush starts hanging out with me on a regular basis. Do you hang out with me more or less?
less i don’t trust him
131. Do you think Kelsey Grammer can shed his image of Frasier?
never the role went on far to long not in a bad way but just too long to forget about
132. You are asked to pick the third actor for a sitcom co-starring David Spade and David Hyde-Pierce. Who is it?
i would say daivid cross but i get the feeling he would be irritated by those two
133. Would you consider adding Abdul- to your last name so you would be Jason Abdul-LaPlant?
yah i would do that if i was marrying paula for money
134. Does the name Roy G. Biv mean anything to you?
no not one damn thing is coming to mind
135. Was January named after a person?
yes it was jan brady duh
136. Can calico cats tell the future?
if they can i fucking quit
137. Is it true that you would rather just sleep when you’re dead?
oh most definetly i don’t think i would like an afterlife of any kind unless it looked like virtual boy
138. What in all seriousness would be your wedding song?
love comes to town by the talking heads
139. Which of your friends’ or family members’ jobs would you most like to have?
my aunt donna seems to have a nice variety of part time jobs
140. How long can you hold your breath underwater?
40 seconds
141. What do you know about modern day ferries that carry cars over water?
the loading and unloading time is much longer than the actual ride from seattle to bremerton washington
142. Can you suggest to me a good place to rent a washing machine?
rent to own store but stop before you buy the damn thing
143. Does Scotch tape mean it’s made from scotch?
i don’t think so but i will boil some to find out… nope wow what a mistake that was
144. How far back can you name World Series champs?
red sox than st louis than white sox?
145. Make your early World Series 2008 prediction.
red sox again
146. What are your thoughts on acts of unnecessary destruction of private property?
man even in middle school i remember thinking it wasn’t funny and i was constantly paranoid about getting caught
147. How many candles do you think you could light in a minute if it was a little breezy and the candles were spread about four feet apart from each other?
12
148. Make up a funny game they should do on Super Sloppy Double Dare?
shooting poop back and forth between two giant butts inspired by you me and everyone we know
149. Do you think the slime on those old Nickelodeon shows was edible?
yah i heard it was apple sauce vanilla pudding and food coloring usually green
150. When is the last time you purposely sat down in the shower?
probably like a month ago, i thought about switching to a bath but quicly realized bath tub is gross
151. Do you ever wonder why we say the phrase “at all”, because it doesn’t make that much sense at all if you stop and analyze it.
no i do not and i seriously can’t put my head around what you are saying at all
152. What is not the current date and time?
feb 22 2009
153. Tell me what you think of Catholic weddings.
overly long ceremony drunker than usual receptions
154. Would you be embarassed to go into a store and buy tampons, anti-diarrheal medication, and Easter candy?
yah but only if the easter candy was on discount like two weeks after easter
155. From the last question… What if Ken was the cashier?
oh jesus yes ken would know damn well mom gave me plenty of easter candy and that i have no business buying more
156. Why don’t you consider growing a goatee just for kicks?
hmmm maybe i will but it would look funny
157. If time travel is possible, how come the future you has never come back to visit yourself?
if i was time traveling i would find better things to do than visit me when chances are i am either drunk or touching myself which would just be to embarassing
158. Did the Back to the Future movies predict anything accurately?
i heard the rumor about the world series thing was not true so i don’t think so
159. Do you think kids will ever use hover boards?
i will only have kids when i find out there is a chance so lets hope so
160. What is the hardest you’ve ever hit your knee cap?
like two years ago at vf set up i fell off some railing and landed directly on my knee cap
161. What body part would you least like to dislocate?
brain
162. Would you rather dislocate your left shoulder intentionally right now, or have it happen accidentally but still know that it’s going to happen within a week span?
i guess i would like to be suprised man i bet that hurts
163. Do you think any of your responses to this interview could ever be used against you in a court of law?
yah if i kill a lot of people maybe for like a psych evaluation
164. Is the Nintendo 64 considered a great gaming system?
it is still in my book the best ever and i think it is remembered fondly by most
165. Have you ever dominated Jeff at a video game?
nfl blitz and nfl 2k1 jeff was my bitch
166. Would you ever consider letting Cooney beat you in Trivial Pursuit if it meant keeping the peace in your household?
no unless alcohol is involved i am way to weird about that game
167. If I came up with 1,000 questions for you all dealing with drinking, do you think it would make you want to drink more or less?
for sure more i watch these movies about alcohol ruining people’s lives and it makes me want to drink
168. Have you ever wished upon a star and really expected it to come true?
no beacuse i am not stupid
169. What is the worst part about driving on Hwy 169?
people stopping to gawk at the bridge site realizing they are way off and slowing traffic
170. Will you ever work for Valleyfair again, if even for a few days?
maybe but i would like to think i am done
171. Who among your friends has the best chance of roping a wild steer in the next two years?
maybe kyle henning if his future plays out like i hope it will
172. Why do they call it Walgreens when the color of the lettering on the store is red? Shouldn’t they have made it green?
yah you have a point fuck walgreens
173. Try responding to this query by typing out all punctuation marks as words. Name someone famous who you believe hates stardom.
ok i have no idea hot to do that but Prince obviously hates stardom
174. Are zombie movies a thing of the past?
no every five years or so there seems to be renewed interest
175. Are black and white TVs still in production in the US?
there is probably some novelty company doing it
176. Do you think the poor make a decent effort to make more money?
probably like 97% of the poor do the other 3% enjoy being poor
177. Are you attracted to Julia Louis-Dreyfus?
yah she is a bit of alright
178. If you could be a radio DJ, what would be your hacky catch phrase?
here comes another tune from you know who, and then i would play a chimpminks song
179. Did you know that the first thing to come up on Google when you search for 179 deals with taxes?
is it porn hopefully it is porn otherwise the internet is slipping
180. Would you rather live to be 29 or 129?
29 i don’t need that many more years
181. If I told you a crazed bear was loose in your apartment and it was either going to torture you by freezing your hands off, burning your feet off, or biting your genitals off, which would you choose?
freezing because that would be one damn smart beard
182. Would you eat a raw carp that came straight from a lake if you were camping and really hungry and that’s all you could catch and didn’t know how to prepare it?
yah i would try but i am sure i would get sick
183. If there’s one person who could persuade you to chew, who is it?
napoleon’s corpse
184. Which Minnesota pro sports team will be the next to win a championship in something and when?
the wild this year
185. If I told you that in six months your life would revolve around church, what would your reaction be?
boy i must of done something weird with my life
186. Can you type well?
i have got a little better since playing the movie quiz
187. Do you think there are any colors that we as humans haven’t thought of yet or are unable to see?
i think lime green has not been truely digested yet
188. Which letter could most easily be abandoned?
y
189. What is your favorite season to go to the movies?
winter
190. Can you think of a movie where the main character is a gay felon running from the law?
dog day afternoon they were gay lovers in a bank hold up
191. Do you feel like Valleyfair games are easily winnable?
no they are hard
192. What is your most common typo?
properly using your and to
193. Can you smell when you’re sick?
when i am sick the smell coming from me is wonderful
194. Who coughs the most from people you know?
that would have to be you Glanzer
195. What are your thoughts on Ron Paul?
some good ideas but does not have a leg to stand on in this race
196. What do you think the gender and race of the next American Idol will be?
asian female
197. Do you think it’s fair that the Twin Cities are host to Minnesota’s state fair?
i think it would be fun to have it in the way north so i don’t have to deal with the traffic some years
198. What food would you like to see on a stick at the fair?
crab cakes
199. Would you say that crabs are uncommon in this area?
wow that was weird i put crad cakes before seeing the next question, but no i think alot of people have crabs
200. Can you spot a toupe easily?
i don’t think so because i can’t remember the last one i saw
201. Have you ever read something and weeped?
yah books get to me quite often
202. What is the worst poker hand you’ve ever bluffed on?
never been bluffed most of my playing was with steve and he is almost retarted
203. What do you get when you go to Chipotle?
chicken burrito usually
204. What would you do if you found a dead bird in a box of cereal?
i would be suprised i bought cereal and then sue the makers of king vitamin
205. What would you say if I called you at 3am and told you I was bored and just wanted some company?
i would laugh and probably come over unless i had to ope caribou
206. When you drink, how often do you know when you’ve had enough?
i am getting better but i almost never stop in time to prevent a verbal or physical incident
207. What should Nick’s role be in your future wedding?
if he agrees to dance during every song he can be a groomsmen other wise he can serve the punch to the kids
208. What celebrity do you think has the best grasp on their marriage?
paul newman
209. If you could be credited for coining a phrase, what would it be?
fuck that i don’t eat raw fish, which would be used for any difficult situation in life
210. Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Do you think the writer should have come up with better lyrics than the fa-la-las?
apparently not cause i defy you to find someone who has not heard of that song
211. Should C-SPAN release its shows on DVD?
that would be funny to see groups formed around watching them
212. What do you think is the worst idea for a TV show?
cop rock
213. Do you think there’s anything the US can do to cut down on pointless mass shooting sprees?
not really people are just kind of cooky no matter what
214. Will you ever own a gun?
no unless i join a militia
215. Will you ever own a bicycle again?
only if i get not fat or the seats get really comfortable
216. Can whales be tamed?
i don’t want to find out the reason we would ever tame those wonderful creatures of god
217. Are pediatritcians generally well-groomed?
boy i bet they have to be mom’s are nuts about sick kids
218. What percentage of all single women that you know would you say are dateable?
42% the rest have seen me eat oysters
219. Do you think the spelling of “dateable” from question 218 is correct, or should one drop the E and make it “datable?”
i thought you had it right but who knows
220. Grover Cleveland Alexander or the Cleveland Cavs?
i would like to see grover back and the cavs erased from everone’s memory
221. Did you ever think they were called the Cleveland Calves, as in a baby cow?
yah i bet farmers and 1000 question interviewers demanded they be named like that
222. What is your favorite memory involving peas?
i remeber hearing about the parody song giv peas a chance and that made me smile
223. Is it true that Jeff once pooped in the bath tub?
yes it is what a mess he was as an infant
224. Which of your fingers gets injured the most?
right index finger easily
225. Do you know what a WaterShield disc is?
it is a product you sell at microboards exclusively to asians
226. If you swallow a marshmallow whole, will it come out whole?
i think stomach acids would have something to say about that
227. Would you like to roam the streets of New York in search of good Chinese restaurants?
i would want to do that not even a little
228. Would you rather eat a crappy buffet and get filled up for cheap, or eat a great meal but spend a little more and leave a little hungry?
if it is really great and not that much more i can be a little hungry
229. What is your absolute top limit on driving speed?
80
230. What is the last thing you did where afterwards you said to yourself, “that was a close call.”
passing trucks driving home from kansas city
231. Do you subscribe to any magazines?
patrick got me a subsrciption to entertainment weekly that i am enjoying
232. Would you ever consider joining a dating service?
i will join a dating service when i am 37 and going through my third divorce
233. Do you think there is any shame in spending hard-earned money on prostitution?
no shame at all
234. Are there any paper towels in your house?
i think there are and if things go bad they will be used as toilet paper
235. When you need to write on something, do you have actual paper or do you use the back of an envelope or something else that’s lying around?
if it is just a numer or something i will use anything if it is a note to jeff to go to blockbuster blood on the front door is required
236. What good is it to be a bird if you can’t fly (i.e. penguins, ostriches)?
your brain is so small that you probably don’t know what good is
237. Do you think a real-life Jurassic Park could one day be feasible?
no that would make patrick too happy
238. Do you think you could write a real full-length movie script?
no well the movie would have to be a collection of my random thoughts that i manage to get down
239. Which baseball stadium would you most like to have a sleepover at?
tropicana
240. If Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire came out and said they were gay together, what would you say?
hahaha good for them
241. Which is more insulting—having your name mispronounced or being forgotten altogether?
being forgotten altogether by a pretty wide margin
242. What is your worst memory of being forgotten somewhere?
i got lost in disney world and when i found my parents they had got ice cream and i was worried i didn’t get any
243. Would you ever consider using a vacuum as a weapon?
only if zombies roamed the earth and a vacuum was capable of sucking their brains out
244. Who from DSU would you most like to see as a puppet master?
deb tech coffee
245. Which cough drop works best for you?
i hate cough drops
246. What is it about chocolate that makes it so tasty?
the blood of the exploited children who make it
247. If I toasted you and said ‘honey, we may be through,’ would you hear me complain?
yah i think after you realized your mistake you would complain
248. Find the person nearest you and tell them to be quiet. What was their reaction?
i could go do that to cooney but it would be stupid
249. Do you think teal has lost its edge as a cool color for sports uniforms?
yes but i can’t remeber what teal looks like
250. Do you think the Minnesota Wild have the most appropriate uniforms for the Christmas season?
yah but i never thought about them like that
251. Does the beer chase your blues away?
the first couple do but the last dozen help me to focus on them with extreme detail
252. Do you have a girlfriend we don’t know about?
yah her name is cara and we are in love
253. Would you freeze your nipples for the purpose of sexually assaulting Jeff?
wow that is easily my favorite question so far and yes i would
254. What do you think Taiyo Yuden is?
some kind of Japanes toy company
255. Have you ever fitted a Japanese man for a tux?
no i have never fitted any man for a tux and i have only been fitted for one
256. If I told you I had a closet full of chestnuts, would you slap Nick?
i would have to see the chestnuts first and then i would have to explain the situation to nick before i slapped him
257. If rainbows were able to be ridden, would you dare slide down one?
i think i would as long as it was free no one should make a profit from a rainbow well maybe the homosexuals can
258. Does Jeff rage just like a river then beg you to forgive him?
i am usually the one who rages and then has to ask for forgiveness
259. Are you more New York or LA?
i guess LA
260. Do you like to stroll through Christmas lights?
no i don’t
261. Would you rather eat a pear or throw it off a balcony?
if it was the first pear i had in awhile i would eat it and throw the rind over the balcony
262. If you were playing a game of HORSE with Jeff, Steve Buscemi, Alfonso Riviera, and Kyla Madsen, who would win?
Kyla
263. Bonus if you can name the song that questions 258-260 were based from.
no bonus points for me
264. Which of your friends is most symbolic of your group of friends as a whole?
i will go with Nick dumb as hell but very lovable
265. What is the absolute least exciting thing you did today?
started my car twice
266. Would you like to tour WGN Radio studios?
yah that would be ok
267. Does Eric Saugstad have a bright political career ahead?
no fuck him he tried to kill me with a nerf ball
268. What’s faster than a box full of racecars?
a space ship
269. Have you noticed a difference in traffic since 312 opened for good?
i have not noticed one damn thing about traffic
270. Name a historic pandemic.
black plague?
271. Do you know what “pantomime” means?
is it to act some situation out
272. Do you associate colors with numbers, like yellow for 1, green for 2?
nope i have system like that going on in my head
273. Which base would you be most afraid to play defensively in the majors?
oh man it took me a long time to figure this one out but probably third
274. Do you think there’s a bar somewhere in the world called LaPlant’s?
i think the chances are pretty good
275. How long have you gone without falling?
i fell after patrick’s birthday on the outside stairs at Eric’s house
276. Have you ever cancelled a hotel reservation?
no i have not i have only made probably two
277. Would you dare sleep with a loaded gun inside your pillow case?
fuck no i turn to much at night
278. What animal do you think would have the toughest time living without teeth?
earth worms
279. What can you tell me about the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers?
two rivers in africa?
280. When do you normally grocery shop?
i don’t i get fast food or food from work
281. On a scale of 1-10, how healthy is your diet?
2
282. Did you ever try to copy your butt on a photocopier?
never have
283. What object would you least like to be probed with?
vibrating spinning fork
284. If there was a musical instrument called a rectal guitar, would you learn to play it?
if i was asked to be part of the test group i would give it a shot
285. If those with AIDS found they could live longer on the moon, do you think they would opt to do so?
if the conditions were ok i would try to get a job up there and catch up on my reading
286. Do you ever give your clothes lifelike qualities? Like for instance, I always think certain shirts feel left out when they don’t get packed for a trip.
that is funny no i don’t do that
287. How annoyed are you by slow computers?
they only seem slow to me when i am looking at porn so i am very annoyed very often
288. Do you ever think of your liver as an independent organism from the rest of your body? i.e. “I’m going to ruin my liver tonight and get effed up!”
yah i talk about my liver way more than any other organ
289. What is your all-time favorite chip?
i don’t have one and i really did give it some thought
290. What were your thoughts on Bert Blyleven’s on-air profanity?
awesome he can do no wrong in my book
291. Have you ever had a woman comfortably strut around naked in front of you?
yah insert mom joke here ___________________
292. Have you ever showered with another man in single-occupancy shower?
i think so but our clothes were on
293. Does everything come down to poo?
sure why not
294. Do you prefer Dr. Turk to Dr. Kelso?
kelso but i bet turk has made me laugh more
295. What is your favorite musical?
hedwig and the angry inch
296. Would you dribble a basketball for a full day for a week’s worth of free KFC?
no unless i was allowed to make dribbling errors
297. How come you can go on so little sleep while others around you pass out hours earlier?
i don’t know but i really don’t require much sleep
298. Does the term “noel” mean anything to you?
it makes me think of the band oasis
299. If you got a bunch of Easter candy and a pumpkin for Christmas from a mystery gifter, who would you first suspect?
Patrick is into holiday activities
300. Have you ever learned to braid hair?
no i can rember girls doing that on the bus while i waited for one of them to ask me what i was playing on my cd player
301. What is your favorite constellation?
ORION because of the old film company
302. Is Orion’s belt recognizable to you?
again i answered before reading the next question but no it is not
303. If you had erectile dysfunction, would you seek a cure or just avoid intimacy?
i already avoid intimacy so i would seek out a cure
304. Who is someone whose personality you would describe as “magnetic?”
people seem to enjoy Elizabeth Burke
305. Do you try to envision what your friends look like naked?
that only comes up when someone makes a sex joke and i imagine the position
306. Finish the sentence: “Patrick had so many _________ in his apartment that ___________ had to come over and ____________ .
dildos, Steve, boil every last one of them
307. How do you tell the difference between doing someone a favor and having someone mooch off you?
that is hard to tell sometimes but as long as they say thank you i am ok with it
308. Are you annoyed by static shocks?
no they are a pleasent suprise
309. Do you wish your apartment was packed to the brim with balloons, and every day when Cooney came home from work he brought more and you spent much of your free time blowing them up?
that would be cool for two days
310. Do you have a favorite pair of underwear?
yah the clean pair
311. What is your biggest fear when swimming in a lake?
that my feet will touch something icky
312. When do you want to go get 912 North Egan tattoos?
when ever your bitch ass is ready
313. Will rabbits ever be domesticated to the extent of cats?
i don’t think so
314. Do you ever think how life would be if you hadn’t gone to work at Valleyfair?
oh man not really but boy i bet it would be really different
315. What is one thing I could say to you right now that would put an instant smile on your face?
this is terrible but the first thing i thought of was ” nick has a colon tumor
316. Would you one day like to host a sophisticated catered affair?
not really
317. If Erin Roberts were here right now, what would you say to her?
hi how have you been and how did you get into jeff’s room
318. If someone kept tampering with your thermostat, would you prefer they crank the heat or the AC?
we don’t have a thermostat
319. Would you put money on the Timberwolves for any single game this season?
only if they had lost their previous five games
320. Do you prefer carmel or butterscotch?
i think i have asked you this before, carmel
321. If you lived next door to a Buddhist temple, what would you do?
leave them alone and see if they approached me for anything
322. Do you prefer living in Eden Prairie, Burnsville, or St. Louis Park?
Eden Prairie but every place had it’s moments
323. Would you ever consider a job that dealt with septic tanks?
yah i think i could handle a job like that
324. Do you like snuggling?
yah it is my favorite thing ever
325. Who would win in a fight—the Snuggle bear or Teddy Ruxpin?
Teddy Ruxpin would end that shit in less than a minute, i hope Snugggle bear likes getting skull fucked
326. Would it be funny if Nick dressed like Teddy Ruxpin every single day?
i am pretty sure that would never stop being funny and i would have to see nick everyday
327. Would you rather eat a human toe of someone you know or a human neck of someone you don’t?
toe of someone i know and by someone i know i mean a newborn baby
328. Aaron P. just said “people pay twenty bucks for a stick that you pee on.” What do you think he was talking about?
some kind of a drug test you are going to have to take
329. Do you think tugging a $20 bill attached to fishing line down the sidewalk would be hilarious?
no that doesn’t really do it for me
330. If you found out that Nick was HIV positive, what is the first thing that would go through your head?
who stole my sweet little man’s anal virginity
331. Do you think your relationship with Liz Burke has changed since your Omaha days?
yah i think my relationship with everyone has changed since 2004
332. What is a funny story involving you and a commercial?
i have a very real obsession with tv commercials from the late eighties and early nineties
333. Who will Greg Lougainis talk to first in 2008?
isn’t greg lougainis dead oh wait he just talked to his pet dog
334. Would a man-on-kangaroo porn video intrigue you at all?
yah if someone put it on i would take a peek
335. Who is the most annoying man on Baseball Tonight?
John Kruk i am not a fan
336. Are you a fan of cribbage?
oh yah, but i can’t seem to win lately thanks to your girlfriend
337. As of this moment, how many complete hula hoop circles could you do?
3
338. How many could you do without your pants coming down?
2
339. Have you ever been hit on by a gay man?
i don’t think so and i fucking hate any story about a straight guy thinking he was hit on by a gay guy
340. Do you feel remorse and contempt for famous people younger than you?
if they have talent no but i can’t understand people like the jonas brothers
341. Will it be weird when we see pro athletes who were born in the 1990s? It should be possible next year in the NBA.
god that is weird
342. How long can you call something “all new”?
i would say you could call a car all new until it got liscense plates on it
343. Why don’t we have a song?
i think are taste are a little too different plus i don’t want to be tied dwon to one song with you
344. What is the most likely way you’ll defeat Nick in a game of racquetball?
at this point i would have to train secretly for awhile because i wouldn’t enjoy a victory caused by some fluke
345. What does the phrase “single USB cable” bring to mind?
one internet enabling cord
346. Do you like blow-up sex dolls?
no my experiences with them were less than satisfying
347. To whom would you most likely say “I appreciate the offer, but no” and to what would you be referring?
Tony Dungy asking me if i wanted to join his church choir
348. Would you mix whiskey, apple cider, and orange pop?
yah i mixed whiskey and oranse soda at your place last night i could add cider to that
349. What is the most disgusting mixed drink you’ve made?
gin and water
350. If a girl told you you had a flabbergasting ass, would you take it as a compliment or insult?
a compliment but i would laugh pretty hard
351. Whose mother would you most like to share a cigar with?
joe pesci
352. Do you consider yourself swanky?
no i am not sure what swanky means
353. If you didn’t know me, what region of the country would you think I was from?
uncomfortably tallville USA
354. Are you more interested in domestic or international travel?
domestic travel
355. Was there anything that should have convinced the doctor that George wasn’t faking his involuntary arm spasms?
no all the evidence was indicating that George is full of it
356. If I worked in a condom factory, do you think you would be more or less interested in my job?
more interested for sure
357. If kids today wore assless chaps to school but studied twice as hard and stayed out of trouble, would the schools be a better or worse place?
it would be a better place
358. Would you ever ride on a cruise boat with Rosie O’Donnell and a werewolf with no destination in mind?
i would with rosie but werewolves are scary
359. What are the odds one of us has had pubic lice in the last five years and just never knew about it?
i would say that is possible i itch down there sometimes
360. If I introduced you to an old friend who wanted to sleep with you, would you hope that I meant “old friend” as in someone I knew from years ago, or literally an old friend who is like 83 years old?
i would hope it was not an 83 yer old
361. If the theme song to Judge Judy played every time you pooped, would you spend more or less time in the bathroom?
i think eventually i would be speeding things up in their
362. What would be the most difficult day of the year for you to not use electricity at all?
what ever day the new season of it’s always sunny premiers
363. Do you lose any respect for Rondell White now that his name has been included on the George Mitchell steroid report?
non what so ever they crucified jesus and rondell is way more significant than JC
364. Which NFL star should be next to appear on Dancing with the Stars?
Joe Montana
365. Which year of your life has been the most shocking so far?
22
366. What movie of 2007 made you laugh the hardest, regardless of its status as a good or bad movie?
two movies that were much funnier than i thought they would be were hotrod and the brothers solomon
367. Do you think others are influenced by your taste in movies?
no not really
368. What was the best song from the Dumb & Dumber soundtrack?
new age girl- deadeye dick
369. When is the last time you correctly used a semicolon in writing?
i can’t recall
370. Are you an advocate of prohibition in Nebraska?
no i am not
371. Can you name an achievement of President Taft?
he was president
372. Do you like Delmonte canned goods?
they are good but not great
373. Can you draw Grampa Simpson?
i cannot i am a really bad drawer
374. Do you easily catch typing errors as you go?
i usually catch the obvious ones
375. Have you encountered a spelling error in any of my questions so far?
i was wondering about the spelling of vacuum but you were right
376. Who will lead the NBA in All-Star voting this year?
kevin garnett
377. Do you feel pressured to spend your free time playing the Facebook movie trivia game?
i feel a little pressure but now that i am in the top 100 i don’t think it is going to get much better
378. Who do you think knows most about cooking—Nick, Jeff, or Cooney?
cooney
379. Who do you think is the best bowler—Steve, Dick Glanzer, or AJ Sabako?
AJ Sabako i believe use to go on thursdays
380. If Brad Berham went to Italy for a year to study cartography with Manute Bol, would you consider going too?
yes i would Mnute Bol seems like a good guy
381. How many Mike’s Hard Limeades do you think you could drink before gut-rot set in?
3
382. Is there a beer that comes to mind when you’re watching baseball?
no there is not but Glueks is what should come to mind
383. Is it appropriate to watch a pro sports game without a beer in hand?
it is ok but is not any fun
384. Can dolphins feel emotions?
yah i think they can
385. Can the Miami Dolphins feel pain?
no only joy after winning one game
386. Who do you feel worse for—Cam Cameron in his first season as Dolphins’ head coach, or the starving children in Africa?
children in Africa but it is close
387. Africa is a large country with lots of animals. Why are there so many starving people there?
some of the animals are not edible and are hard to kill
388. Name your top 3 songs by CCR.
3. candle in the window 2. fortunate sone 1. the one from the big lebowski
389. What is your favorite apartment or house you’ve lived in since you left home?
my uncle and aunt’s house in New Prague
390. If you could have stepped in and taken the hit for Travis, would you have?
i would like to think i could have helped that situation in some other way
391. Would you say your athletic achievement of the year was leading the team in RBIs in that softball game you played in?
yah just think if i would have kept improving one of those games might have been close
392. How often are you disappointed by friends who don’t drink with you?
briefly dissapointed often but in the long term it is never a good idea to drink under pressure
393. Do you use daily planners?
never have someday i might
394. Which of these people do you believe does not call me at work for business purposes—Joe Altieri, Iris Fox, Andy Gaume, or Pearl Welch?
Iris Fox
395. If you had three goats that shat gold, would you make that your career?
yes one for me one for charity and one to start a new religion around
396. Do you prefer eating plants or animals?
animals taste better
397. Did you ever eat an animal you knew personally?
no i have never known the christian name of something i ate
398. Were you ever afraid of bed bugs?
no the song was too silly
399. How many people do you think have been offended by an answer or question so far?
anybody that went past fifty won’t get offended so about 20
400. What was your crowning achievement from your saxophone playing days?
when i beat Kaci Jones in a two person competition for first chair bari sax
401. Has anyone ever told you that all they wanted for Christmas was you?
i don’t think i have been in a room with someone when that song is playing
402. Have you ever literally seen a smile light up a room?
that seems like something that would happen in a hospital so no
403. What is the most offensive poop you can recall from you or someone else?
Patrick pooping in any way is offensive to old women and young men
404. Which word do you feel most uncomfortable saying—peepee or weewee?
weewee
405. Do you ever say the word “belly?”
yah but pretty rarely
406. If I asked you to recite the Nebraska pledge of allegiance, could you do it?
i don’t even know if there is one
407. Did OJ do it?
yes he did but at this point he is going to go to prison for something else
408. Can grandparents spank grandkids?
my grandparents spanked me i think so no
409. Have you ever seen an animal skateboard?
yah on that show rob and big they had a dog and a turtle do it
410. Have you ever chipped a tooth?
yah my top front tooth is slightly chipped
411. What would you get more annoyed with—having to wear long johns to work every day, or having to shave Nick’s head every day?
nick’s head it would be so weird actuall removing some hair everyday
412. What is the longest bike ride you’ve taken?
probably around cleary lake in Prior Lake which i think takes like 45 minutes
413. When you visited your friend in Alabama, would you say there was interesting scenery?
yah they had confederate flags for anything you could think of except for celebrating black people
414. How many palindrome-numbered questions, like 414, are there in this survey?
102
415. If you stopped to count that out, slap your brother.
i did not and he is not here
416. Tell whoever you see next that “Glanzer’s car broke down and I have to take him to church.” Record the response.
Andy at work tells me to go sarcastically and when he sees i am not even going to pretend to leave he tells me he is an atheist
417. Would you rather go to church every Sunday for the rest of your life, or do one summer of Basic Training for the National Guard.
i wouldn’t be against going to church if the dress code was relaxed and the music was good but christian music is rarely good and i could use the workout so bootcamp
418. Can cobwebs be eaten?
yah i am sure i have swallowed quite a few
419. Would you like to make out with Pink?
i would make out with her if we were both sober at 11 pm on a friday night
420. What was the biggest family in your school?
the Guilizias i think
421. What if A-Rod signed with a Japanese team?
that would actually be kind of interesting to see how the media handled it
422. Have you ever tried to use paper towels as real towels?
in middle school gym i had to
423. What is something that may cause involuntary information?
too much booze on a monday
424. Would you rather name your future chilren or Patrick’s future children?
Patrick’s i think anybody i have kids with i will respect their taste and i would love to name a kid toilet cake
425. What is the over/under you will get a woman pregnant before 2010?
2012 is the year i conceive my first bastard
426. Are eights and aces the hand of a dead man?
wild bill was going to die at some point probably playing cards so no
427. Do you enjoy John Lennon’s work outside of The Beatles?
i do i remeber my brother joe got me his complete box set in middle school and i couldn’t get enough of the naked pictures of john and yoko
428. Tell us a short made-up story about you and a pig with wings.
some farmer told a tax attorney he would sell his farm when pigs fly and sure enough i had just finished the final welding of a wing onto my pig and launched it from my air cannon, the farmer did not see it but the lawyer was so convincing that the farmer sold his land
429. Do you think 2 Girls 1 Cup was a positive experiment for our culture?
yah it is not any where close to the grossest thing on the internet and the reactions are funny
430. What was the best reaction you heard or saw to 2 Girls 1 Cup?
i liked the simplicity of John Mayer’s parody video
431. Do you have any jelly in your apartment?
i think cooney has some jam in the freezer
432. Name two songs by Deep Blue Something.
breakfast at tiffany’s and Josey
433. What state capitol most deserves to be changed to another city?
alaska to kentucky
434. How tired are you right now?
pretty tired it is 1:24 AM on a wednesday or thursday
435. Would you rather eat or sleep right this minute?
eat some cottage cheese and pear slices
436. If there was a gaydar gun, do you think it would detect gayness in your proximity right now?
funny i made a gydar question to but no gayness right now
437. Ballpark guess: how many fortune cookies have you eaten in your life?
67
438. What is the best Chinese buffet you’ve been to?
China Moon after smoking weed
439. If you were told you could either eat anything you wanted for the rest of your life and not have your health affected, or could drink anything, what would you choose?
eat anything
440. What would you name your own beer?
to obain this 40 pack of beer you have to pay with change brew
441. If clouds were red tomorrow for one day only would you spend your day looking at them?
i would spend a good chunk of it doing that
442. If you woke up from a deep slumber on a ship crashing into the waves, being driven by a team of hobgoblins who were singing an evil sea chanty, what would your reaction be?
i would freak out once i realized i wasn’t going to wake up
443. When is the last time you got a really bad migraine?
i don’t think i have had an official migrine since 2004
444. What is your favorite kind of gum?
zebra stripes
445. What percentage of your Facebook friends do you think do not have their own computers?
12%
446. Do you use too much salt?
no i actually use very little
447. If I took the high road and you took the low road, would I get to Scotland before you?
yah i think Scotland is at a higher elevation than we are
448. Do you like hubcaps?
not particularly
449. If a mechanic told you you needed a whole new engine, would you believe him?
no i would run the car till it stopped working
450. Would you trust a vehicle you bought at Dick’s Garage more than one bought at a local used dealer?
yah your dad seems to know what he is doing
451. Do you have to be “you” till Sunday?
i know that is a song but i don’t get it
452. My old science teacher used to spend the whole class period rubbing his face really, really hard with both hands until his face was beat red. Is that weird?
no i can recall a couple of teachers having odd facial habits
453. The same teacher used to spray foam monitor cleaner into his hands and used it like hand sanitizer even though the can said specifically not to do that. Is that weird?
yes that is weird
454. If you got a call from someone with a 464 area code, would you answer?
maybe it would depend upon my mood at the time
455. What is your first reaction when someone calls you?
i hope this isn’t bad news
456. You’re at the bar when suddenly you realize you’ve had too much to drink. What do you do?
stumble outside and puke or try breathing real hard while nodding my head to someone continously
457. You’re at the bar when a girl pukes on your foot. What do you do?
i would probably laugh quickly and move out of her way
458. You’re at the bar when the bartender jumps over the counter and demands you leave better tips. What do you do?
leave one dollar and exit bar
459. You’re at the bar when a priest and rabbi come and sit next to you. What do you do?
if i was in the middle i would move if i was on either side i would ignore them
460. You’re at the bar and you find a fly in your delicious whiskey diet. What do you do?
pick out the fly continue to drink i have heard many times that digesting bugs is pretty much a given for Americans
461. You’re at the bar when a hot older woman approaches you and asks you to buy her a drink, take her home, and make sweet love to her. What do you do?
i would offer to buy her breakfast but hope she will want to make chocolate pancakes instead
462. You’re at the bar when an orthopedic surgeon comes inside and tells you he hit your car and since he’s in such a hurry, he’s willing to pick up your tab for the night and leave. Only you didn’t drive your car to the bar. What do you do?
have him pay my tab, ask for cab money, and if he realizes his mistake claim ignorance
463. You’re at the bar with a 2000 Academy Award winner, a high school crush, someone really good at math, a doctor from your past, a former Atlanta Brave, a TGIF actress, two cartoon animals, and a 2002 Valleyfair supervisor. Who are they and what round of shots do you buy for everyone and who do you sleep with that night?
Russell Crowe, Shannon Blount, Chris Ahrendt, Dr. McMaster, John Rocker, Jo Marie Payton, Lisa Simpson and Jay Sherman, and Patrick Lych, i would go home with Jay Sherman
464. You’re at the bar when suddenly you realize you’re supposed to be working. What do you do?
keep drinking worry about it when i wake up
465. You’re at the bar when the Playgirl editors propose to you a free night of drinking in exchange for nude photos of you with a dead duck. What do you do?
without the dead duck i demand some actual money, with the dead duck i ask for money but would do it any ways
466. You’re at the bar with Nick’s church group. They agree to give you a free Jag Bomb for every bible verse you can recite. How many free shots do you get?
maybe not even one
467. You’re at the bar when Patrick and I start doing the little girl voice telling you you can’t drink like a man. What do you do?
prove you fuckers wrong
468. You’re at the bar when you hear Nick order a PBR for himself. What do you do?
if he actually sips it i tell him to stop and buy him a zima instead
469. You’re at the bar when the local MADD chapter enters and starts protesting all drinkers. What do you do?
i would become sheepish and hope they are leaving soon
470. You’re at the bar when Tony Batista comes in wearing his full Washington Nationals uniform and sits beside you and eyes you with a grin on his face. What do you do?
buy him a drink and show him the drawing of him and jeff you made that i keep in my wallet
471. You’re at the bar singing karaoke with Brad and Travis when the crowd starts booing. What do you do?
finish the song and submit another three songs
472. You’re at the bar with Nick when Thusrday night female TV stars Tina Fey, Jenna Fisher, Jamie Lee Pressley, Judy Reyes, and Caitlin Olson walk in and start hitting on you. Who comes home with you, who goes home with Nick, and whose purse do you steal?
Jamie Lee Pressley goes home with me, Tina Fey goes home with Nick and I steal Nick’s purse
473. You’re at the bar, 12 beers deep, when they announce whoever can drink the most beers without puking or falling asleep over a 12-hour span wins a trip to the Oscars. Do you have a chance?
yah if they count what i have drank so far i would be very motivated
474. Would you rather present at the Oscars or walk in on the red carpet and get interviewed?
present at the Oscar’s
475. Would you rather pee in a urinal sitting down or poop in a urinal standing up?
poop standing up
476. Have you heard any strange stories of the way someone wipes?
yah i think it is weird to stand up and then go between your legs which i have heard of before
477. Has anyone ever eaten something you found so offensive that you held a slight grudge against them?
no i am pretty cool with people eating offensive things
478. If you won a chartered blimp to take you anywhere you wanted to go for a year, would you always use it considering its slow speed?
i would probably take it every where but work or if i was running late
479. Do you think you’d like to be a gingerbread man?
no i would be to delicious and seasonal to bear
480. What is one city that you fear visiting?
Vatican city
481. You’re at a gay night club when a woman approaches you. What is your reaction?
same at any bar smile politely and move past her
482. What number would you wear if you played pro hockey?
64
483. Can Texans spell better than Okalhomans?
I would guess not i don’t think some parts of Texas have even been mapped out yet
484. Would you consider living out Vince Vaughn’s role in Swingers?
yah he seems pretty loose and joyful
485. If you and Nick had a contest to see who could go the longest without shaving, who would look more disgusting in three months?
without question we would both look awesome and we should do that
486. Would you rather be lactose intolerant or not be able to grow facial hair, including eyebrows?
i would rather be lactose i guess unless i can use fake eye brow hair
487. Like a bat out of hell, would you be gone when the morning comes?
no i am not that fast moving once the morning comes
488. Do you understand the lyrics “I’d do anything for love, but I won’t do that”? Few seem to get it.
i think i do but if you told me what they meant i am sure it would be different
489. If you could sing the Canadian anthem at a hockey game with another famous Canuck, who would it be?
if given the oppurtunity to do so i would not
490. Why do they call the Montreal Canadiens the Habs?
i have no worldly idea and i am getting sick of the Canada questions
491. If you had to hibernate, where would you do it?
pitch dark room with a brand new bed
492. Write something in French.
des dem du tau es tri blanc
493. What is your all-time favorite code?
the code from the movie Mercury Rising
494. In Contra, what are the names of the two dudes?
Skull and Steven
495. In Cuba, what are poor people called?
Cruders
496. Should Lew Ford be allowed to play baseball in Cuba?
yes that would be good for America
497. Do you think Elian Gonzalez has to tell people every day his story of his journey to America?
at this point i would guess two to three times a week
498. Do you think there are dozens of other Elian Gonzalez cases that just never got to be that famous?
yah i am sure there are plenty of cases that ended much worse that that one did
499. Have you ever broke up with anyone?
kind of but not really
500. What kind of lubes do you own?
tire lube, anal lube, and chinese checker lube
501. What kind of music makes you the most emotional?
German Techno
502. Your thoughts on Howie Day conflict with mine to the point where you ask me to take it outside. How ridiculous would that be?
i am thinking Howie Day is a musician and neither of us get that worked up over music, if it was Howie Mandel, let’s be honest i have wanted to beat you up before
503. You’re in a pet shop when the Pet Shop Boys enter and demand cash but their only weapon is a Nick Kid’s Choice award. What do you do?
i would give them the money if they promise not to cover any more Willis Nelson songs
504. Fill in the blanks with a funny sentence. Hey there ____________, what’s it like in ___________? I’m a _________ miles away but tonight you look so __________, yes you do.
poop dog, Trenton, number of, edible
505. Do you ever listen to that woman Delilah on the radio with people calling in lovesick requesting lame songs?
oh yah i have heard that before not a fan
506. Have you ever wept?
i have cried i don’t know if i have wept
507. Do you look back in amazement on how you were able to drink 90% of that bottle of Silver Wolf gin at the board game party?
not really i ate a lot and the gin was tasting good i have no self control there is nothing amazing about that
508. Would you ever go into a bar and order a Silver Wolf on the rocks?
for a good laugh i would but i would not pay full price for it
509. When people drink vodka, some like to get fancy kinds and say how good it is. Is there really such a thing as “good vodka?”
i have never enjoyed straight vodka so i don’t think there is one i would like
510. Can you do whatever you want to right now?
no I can’t
511. What is your honest opinion of the Barenaked Ladies?
they have some good songs, but i enjoy watching or reading them get interviewed they are funny and down to earth
512. What is your honest opinion of bare naked ladies in general?
i can’t say i don’t like them
513. Who are you currently sleeping with?
bed bugs and snack mix crumbs
514. Describe the cleanliness of your bed.
clean as a whistle that was used on a train in the 1970’s
515. Would you eat a sub sandwich off the gas station floor again?
probably not too obvious
516. Ask Nick to show you his Hershey Kiss shaped/sized mole under his armpit and report back to me on your reaction.
i think i have seen it, i bet there are people that would suck on that pretty hard
517. Would you take a job as a night watchman at a cranberry silo for $20.95/hr. plus benefits? Your job would consist of walking around a silo in the middle of the country with a flashlight from dawn till dusk, and you only get 3 days vacation all year.
no those conditions are a little extreme
518. Have you ever looked for jobs online?
kind of but there were too many adds
519. Has a movie ever been so overhyped that it totally ruined it for you?
yah that happens a lot 300 and Juno come to mind
520. How many vaginas have you seen in person?
14 give or take
521. How many times could you listen to the story of Nick and Chris in the shower before getting sick of it?
i have no idea cause that is probably my favorite story not involving me
522. What do you think really happened that morning in the shower?
they bumped and then grinded and then had religious guilt so they made up a new story
523. If a co-worker whose car was broken into called you every weekday for four straight months asking for rides to work, what would you do?
if they were on they way, we had the same schedule, said thank you, and bought a meal or something sure, in your situation i wouldn’t do it
524. Are you good at telling people ‘no’?
i would say i am average
525. How do you deal with disappointment?
i try to be silent and alone
526. What is one get-together or celebration where even you wouldn’t want alcohol present?
the release of Nick Sandbulte from prison for public intoxication
527. What do you think of when I say “utopian society”?
it is just a simple idea that would never work because things would get so complicated
528. Does the name Vince Tan mean anything to you?
no it sounds like a product i would not buy
529. For the next few questions, I will name a person and you tell me who they will marry and when. Nick Sandbulte?
girl he meets at bible study
530. Jeff LaPlant?
Mail order bride
531. Patrick Lynch?
girl he meets at baseball game
532. Travis Bolton?
girl he meets at gig
533. Ryan Glanzer?
the Canadian you are so fond of
534. Liz Burke?
guy she meets at concert
535. Brad Pinalda?
girl he meets in Alasks
536. Jason LaPlant?
girl he meets at exorcism
537. Do animals cry?
i think some do and some don’t
538. You’re drinking at a bar with a cuddly, innocent, whimpering puppy with a wounded leg. Do you think bar patrons are more likely to buy you a drink cause they feel sorry, or less likely because you’ve taken an injured animal to a bar?
casual drinkers get mad, drunks kick out casual drinkers and love the dog being there
539. You’re drinking in a bar with a cuddly, innocent, whimpering Nick Sandbulte with a large, exposed, cancerous mole. What do you do?
get a solid buzz then take Nick to free clinic
540. You’re drinking in a bar with a seemingly ordinary deaf man wearing a cape. How do you explain the cape to the bartender?
i bet that most bartenders would stop after i told them he was deaf not because they are bad people but because they don’t care
541. Would you rather import diapers or export potato chips?
exporting potato chips is much sexier
542. After the recent Facebook controversy at Eden Prairie High, how do you feel about schools punishing kids for photos of drinking?
the only thing i get out of that story is that being on Face Book sometimes feels creepy
543. Alert! Alert! What comes to mind when you hear that?
loud noise with no real meaning
544. What kinda “gone” are we talkin bout here?
country music lyric kind of gone
545. What is your favorite kind of gun?
really cool looking pellet gun
546. What is your favorite kind of gin?
silver wolf
547. What is your second favorite kind of gum?
trident
548. What is your favorite kind of gem?
ruby
549. What is your favorite kind of gym?
24 hour
550. Do you feel bad for gomers?
not really usually people say thet in a loving way
551. What is a word that starts and ends with f?
fuckf
552. Randomly swear.
shit wart located on the back of a fuck cock
553. Would you rather flip off your parents or moon them?
flip off neither is desirable
554. Would you rather eat skunk meat or get sprayed with a water hose by a gay priest at work?
i wouldn’t find experiencing either
555. Have you ever been given or given out a 555 number?
no i have not
556. What is your favorite Eagles song?
hotel california i don’t know many eagles songs
557. Does every form of refuge have its price?
yes it does
558. Can you hide your lying eyes?
i can close them but eventually i have to open them
559. How do you explain Goofy being a talking dog and Pluto being a pet dog?
goofy has a worse personality that he has to compensate for by talking like a fool
560. Kibbles ‘n Bits ‘n Bits ‘n Bits?
i can’t remember if i like cats or dogs more no wait it is dogs
561. What do you think of Elvis?
never liked him he stole music and his personal life was mean spirited and bizzare
562. Could Ryan Seacrest play Elvis in a movie?
with the righ make up anybody can play anything
563. What is your favorite Bloodhound Gang song?
i don’t have one they are funny sometimes but their music is trash
564. What is your favorite Train song?
the one where the wrong things happen to the right person
565. Would you go to a concert featuring Tracy Chapman, Trace Adkins, and Amy Winehouse?
yah that would be pretty interesting
566. Why do you look so funny?
big head
567. Tell me one fact you know about the steroid era in baseball.
at some point someone was using drugs to be better at baseball
568. Is Roger Clemens guilty?
he is guilty of the press knowing a lot about him
569. Should Barry Bonds be in the Hall of Fame?
yes he was quite the player of roids and he will have gone through enough when this is all said and done
570. If Elvis was alive and they found him living with Tupac in Uruguay in a tree fort, what would your reaction be?
where are they hiding the unlistenable music they have been making
571. Do you like warehouses?
yah i do i can’t think of one i don’t like thanks for asking
572. Do you like bin diving?
i love it what a great time
573. How did you get to be so silly?
too much time spent with silly people
574. How many typos have you encountered so far on my part?
none you pride yourself on no typos and i don’t look that hard
575. What do you think of the saying “Oh me, oh my!”
it makes me think of pizza
576. Create a new original home run call.
that one is farther gone than Joe Buck’s sense of self worth
577. Would you do nude scenes in a Martin Scorsese movie?
if he asked without expecting me to ask i would
578. How long could you stare at yourself naked in a mirror?
2 minutes
579. Do you think you would be much different if you were born in 1979?
no not that much but who knows
580. Have you ever realized that we don’t at all fit the stereotype of the kind of person who would live in Eden Prairie?
yah you would be better off in the city and i would be better of in a small town
581. Would you listen to a radio station that only played Rod Stewart, Bob Dylan, and Neil Young?
yah it would be programmed in my car even
582. If someone shouted “hey, get a job!” to you, what would you yell back?
i would laugh i love that line
583. If someone shouted “diamonds are forever, bitch” out of a car window as you sat on a park bench, what would your reaction be?
i would wonder if he got that from Kanye West
584. If someone shouted “nice shoes, Goldilocks!” what would your reaction be?
i like my shoes right now and i am not blonde so i would be a little hurt
585. What do you think is the cut-off age for married couples having relations?
they can fuck as long as it is physically possible for all i care
586. If you were a father and your 3-year old asked to try beer, would you let him?
no a three year old would like to try a crayon when the kid turns 7 we can talk
587. Would you refer to someone whose gender you didn’t know as “it”?
no that is insulting i would avoid the conversation
588. Where would you rather live—your current apartment, a castle in a non-English speaking country, or a children’s playhouse inside the Metrodome?
if the rent were free maybe the metrodome otherwise i am staying put
589. What are the odds you will be at the first Twins game in the new stadium?
10 to 1
590. What are the odds you will attend an Our Lady Peace concert?
500 to 1 wow i have not thought of them in awhile
591. Can you design postcards?
i could design a very crude postcard
592. Does the name Pam Ellis mean anything to you?
very familiar but i am not making a connection
593. Do you think hard-partying women from the 80s are just dying to bust out their Bon Jovi tees and go party with the girls?
most are not
594. Do Native Americans have right to land before immigrants?
in principle maybe but at this point everybody has to buy it
595. Are there any famous LaPlants?
i don’t think so
596. Do Dorrie and Ken snuggle at night or take their own sides of the bed?
i bet they get a little lovey dovey
597. Would you raise a chimp if it meant paid weekly TV appearances on Fox News?
if the pay was good yes
598. If you had to have three straight days of wild unprotected sex with Wolf Blitzer or Major Dad, who would it be?
i think me and wolf would have more to talk about between erections
599. Would you ever eat another lake condom?
i would do it on accident and then not tell anyone
600. Has anything ever scared you so bad that you were still shaking fifteen minutes later?
i don’t think i have experienced that much fear
601. Have you ever gone into shock?
i think i have experienced hysterical blindness
602. Which answer so far do you think got the most laughs?
i don’t know my sense of humor would lean towards the family matters response but my humor is kind of crude
603. Would North Dakota have received more tourism if it had switched its name to Dakota?
no i think west dakota would of worked better
604. What would you be referring to if you leaned back in your easy chair, smiled, exhaled a deep breath, and said “God dammit, that really hit the spot!”
built up gas releasing or meal finished
605. What would Nick be referring to in the same scenario?
finishing meal or videogame and now i am certain Nick comes up in both of our interviews more than anybody else by far
606. If you fell in love with an animal, would you kiss and tell?
no i would have to keep my turtle love a secret
607. If someone said “What, do I have to spell it out for you?” what do you think they would be talking about?
i am not understanding the fact that Patrick is our new President and someone has just called him Master and Commander
608. If someone said “the sky is the limit, Mr. Coffee Man,” what do you think they would be talking to you about?
some kind of get rich technique they would be proposing to me at work
609. If someone said “Your brother is weird,” why do you think they would say that?
they would have spent a decent amount of time with Jeff or they do not know Joe that well
610. What are three reasons you’re still alive today?
new movies, good dreams, singing in my car
611. Have you ever sexually harassed anyone?
i try not to but i am sure i have
612. Would you go to a Dan Schreck concert?
yah but probably not
613. What is one name you don’t hear very often but should?
Frances LaPlant my child
614. Do you have backne?
a little but not much
615. Do you think Lastings Milledge will live up to his potential with the Nationals?
yes he has plenty of potential to live up to
616. Which team will have the coolest new stadium—Twins, Rays, Yankees, Mets, Nationals, or Athletics?
my gut tells me to go with the mets
617. What did the Clash mean when they said “rock the casbah?”
something about war in the middle east
618. If it took you a day to answer one question on here, and the next day you answered 79 questions, and then 2, and then 78, and then 3, and you continued on that pace until you were done, how many days would it take you?
11
619. Do you have any illiterate friends?
no i don’t associate with the illiterate
620. What is one thing you say that you learned from me?
i like saying fuck you when it is out of place like you do
621. If Nick played racquetball against you in flippers and a tutu, who would win?
he would still win maybe the score is closer
622. Would you wear assless chaps to a wedding dance with a nice tucked-in shirt for a year’s supply of Milk Duds and milk?
no i don’t like either of those products to do such a thing
623. Would you milk an otter if you were really desperate for milk?
i would never be that desperate for milk
624. What is your favorite song about Mexico?
Blame Canada
625. You’re in a bar masturbating at your seat when the bartender asks you to stop or take it outside. What do you do?
i respect their wishes and try to finish inside a little more quietly
626. You’re in a bar drinking about to take three shots of tequila when Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt walk in and you’re the only one who knows who they are. What do you do?
share the shots and ask them what projects they are currently working on
627. Does the name Jeff LaPlant mean anything to you?
it means quite a bit further details will be the focus of a future 1000 question interview
628. If you didn’t know me, would you like to know me?
i think so if i saw the web site or if you wrote some sort of cook book
629. If you only knew Patrick by reputation, would you like him?
yah i would say he has a pretty stand upish guy rep going out here on the streets
630. How many of these answers do you think will one day be brought up in a court of law?
i hope every single one
631. Are we too offensive when playing Loaded Questions?
we probably are but the laughing is worth it
632. What do you think of tap water?
taste fine gets bad press
633. Is this a good lesson in patience?
yah writing out these answers is a lot of fun but i want to stop a lot
634. How familiar are you with the concept of drug-induced child labor?
i know there is a needle and a baby of some sort involved
635. Does the name Mike Laven mean anything to you?
familiar but not too familiar
636. What is the dirtiest word there is?
cunt i guess
637. If I was to back a truck into something of yours, what would you hope it would be?
my spare ice scraper
638. Do you live for little moments?
yah i like little moments more than over whelming big moments
639. Do you remember what you did on your 10th birthday?
no but i wil guess pizza party
640. Is there a difference between being drunk off wine, beer, and hard liquor?
yes but it would be hard to explain them
641. Fill in the _________.
shower stall
642. What TV show was most ahead of its time?
American Gladiators or The Richard Pryor Show
643. If you showed up for that floor cleaning job in Madison tonight, what do you think the boss would say?
i don’t think he would remeber me i bet he did that to a lot of people
644. Do you know the difference between a GX-1, CX-1, and MX-1?
different types of burners
645. What is the major difference between up and down?
up is sen as positive and down is not
646. What is the major difference between your liver and Nick’s liver?
oxidation occurs in nicks’s far less often
647. Did you learn anything from my run-in with the law?
yah to be a little more careful
648. Who would you least want to be right now?
Rudy Guilianni
649. The smile on your face let’s me know that you need _________.
some bad news
650. This / or this \?
/
651. Do you say it best when you say nothing at all?
nope doesn’t work got to say something
652. What’s something not worth missing?
your wedding day
653. Look at your pretty face. Is it soaking wet?
at this point it is not
654. What should you be doing at 4:00 tomorrow?
nothing i work in the morning so i will probably be finishing this interview
655. What will you be doing at 4:00 tomorrow?
sleeping in gutter
656. What were you likely doing six years ago from today?
playing pitch with college friends in missouri
657. A bar in Georgia is under investigation for offering 5-for-1 happy hour specials. Do you wanna go?
yes i do
658. Racquetball?
maybe later
659. Do you think you would like a soup made of squash?
yah i like squash and i never have it
660. Are you Satanic?
not at all i would totally go for god before satan
661. Who is the biggest germophobe you know?
Ranell from work
662. What is an inconvenient truth you know about?
how much garbage small business throw out each day
663. Why are there signs that show where people died in car accidents? Aren’t they distracting?
they are but maybe it helps with the grieving process
664. Do you wish turtles were smaller or bigger?
bigger the site of a run over turtle makes me upset
665. Call this number and see what happens. 800-838-5100.
no units on the phone dude sorry
666. Do you like people named Kirk?
i can’t think of anybody i know but i dislike kirk cameron
667. Was The Critic critically acclaimed?
i don’t think it was but i liked it
668. Are we still going to get 912 tattoos someday?
if we are honest no we are not
669. Is Patrick justified in hating the Smashing Pumpkins because he heard me listening to 1979 so many times?
it is a little strange that is what did it but i can’t remeber patrick ever liking that band
670. Which statement is more true: Nick hates Rondell White because we love him, or we love Rondell White because Nick hates him?
Nick hates White slighlty more than we love him
671. Who has the highest print quality in the industry, according to Microboards?
rice paper with olive ink
672. On whose voice mail did you leave this message: “I’m going to make this short and sweet, just like you.”
Justin something or others
673. Would you consider a boat cruise to the Carribbean with Bilal Mohommed as your captain?
sure he is a good guy
674. How would you react if you woke up hanging from the top of a totem pole by your britches with some unknown native tribe dancing around a fire, chanting evil phrases?
i did not think i was capable of that much drinking but apparently i am
675. Where is the nearest hobgoblin?
packed up in shakopee
676. Where can I score some drugs?
minneapolis or the ep high school parking lot
677. Do pornos give children the wrong message about sex?
yah they probably do
678. Do you think rabbits enjoy rabbit porn?
no because the only taped rabbit porn probably involves humans
679. Do you think other species have set up some form of government or law that we as humans just don’t realize?
god i hope so
680. Do you have a favorite story from the Daily Logs?
no favorite comes to mind it is always interesting to get your take on the events of the week
681. What is the most awkward moment in the past year involving you, a giant lollipop, underage children, and a locker room?
oh god that was too strange seriously what was i thinking
682. Would you go back to the Waterpark of America next year on Nick’s birthday if that’s what he really wanted?
if he really truly wanted that yes but there has to be something else to try
683. What would you do if Jeff came home and told you he had inpreginated a gypsy and, in addition, you would have to do his laundry for the next five months?
ok if jeff some how gets a male gypsy preggers i am not doing his laundry
684. What is the worst part about doing laundry?
killing the time between loads
685. What is the worst part about brushing your teeth?
sometimes after i brush my teeth i pick for awhile at spots i think i missed
686. If Jeff was a girl, would you be out of his league?
no i would be her brother and i would never make a pass at that ugly girl
687. Has anyone ever told you you look like someone you’ve never heard of?
yah i have been told to look like strangers at bars and parties before
688. Does your pediatrician love you?
i hope so my ear infections paid for his scooner
689. Do you think doctors hope people get sick?
no most do not me thinks
690. Which hospital show probably portrays hospitals most accurately—ER, Scrubs, or Grey’s Anatomy?
Scrub’s but i have nothing to back that up with
691. Would you like it if Caribou had you travel for work?
kind of but not really
692. If you needed to be in Lincoln tonight, would you drive or fly?
drive
693. If you needed to be in Lincoln’s tomb tonight, would you dig him up?
no i would teleport into there duh
694. Have you ever been to Montana?
i don’t believe so
695. Do you want to have Joe Montana cloned?
yah it would be cool to raise the clone as a basketball player
696. How old will your first grandchild be when Brett Favre and Roger Clemens retire for good?
3
697. Come back in time to the day I typed this question and tell me who will win the Super Bowl.
New York Giants
698. What do you think of corporate America?
people think of Corporate America as a person and direct there complaints at something that does not exist
699. Would you freeze your toes until they were medically inoperable for a pair of Springsteen tickets?
no sorry boss i would not
700. How many bottles of water have you bought since 2004?
less than 100 seperaly in packs about 100
701. What state will be the first to secede from the union, if any?
Alaska
702. The next president of the United States will be ____________.
Hillary Clinton
703. What are your thoughts on the United States of Leland?
Good movie i was not aware you watched it
704. Do you dislike pro athletes younger than you?
no they are alright with me
705. Is it depressing to see NBA players who were born in 1989?
it is more depressing to see people talk on cell phones while ordering their coffee
706. Is it depressing to see someone pour half-drank beers down the drain?
in the morning no at night yes
707. Do high school kids have the right to eat soup whenever?
no they need to get a god damn job before they get willy nilly soup privelges
708. For which of your friends do the words “rugged masculinity” most apply?
Travis Bolton
709. What are two words you can use to sum up the TV writers strike?
greedy talent
710. If you smelled carmel rolls fresh out of the oven right now, would you wander away from the interview and go eat one?
yes i am pretty hungry right now
711. How much would I have to pay you to erase all your answers and start this whole thing over?
fifty bucks and it would still suck for 100 the suckiness goes away
712. How much more difficult was it to write a 500-question interview for Jordan than me or Nick?
it was harder it couldn’t be as personal and i was not sure what would offend her
713. What, if anything, might cause you to have involuntary urination?
nothing i have supreme jedi like control over my bladder and thank god i got a nerdy star wars reference in
714. Have you ever had an involuntary spasm?
yah and they always suprise the hell out of me
715. Do you ever get tired of people giving me crap about not eating cheese?
yes i am sick of it but i am pretty sure if you stay with Lauren you are going to eat cheese more
716. What do you think of Calvin’s ideas for baby names for the upcoming Krogman boy: Thor, Octavius, and Augustus?
Octavius Krogman sounds the best to me my suggestion would be Clyde Dexter Krogman
717. Thirty days hath September, April, June, and __________ .
April?
718. What month would you most likely name a boy after?
March
719. If you had to name all your kids two-digit numbers, what would your top two choices be?
64 and 42
720. If you were born in 2006, do you think you’d still like watching The Soup?
no and i would be missing out
721. You’re in a bar making love to the bartender after hours, when all of a sudden she stops to down a shot of brandy. What is your reaction?
this guy is awesome
722. You’re in a bar with Nick playing swords in the men’s bathroom when one of you starts bleeding, but there’s so much blood you can’t tell who it is. What do you do?
zip up and wander back out we will say we killed a pig in their and rush to the free clinic
723. You’re in a bar when a giant catepillar slips into your drink. How do you get it out?
i don’t the catepillar can have the drink and i learned a valuable lesson
724. You’re in a bar when a cop comes in on-duty and shoots himself in the face and he lands in the seat next to you. Do you finish your drink?
no way i move aside with my drink and hope a sober doctor is there
725. You’re in a bar playing cribbage with Lauren and Patrick when a Hitler look-a-like challenges the three of you to a game of Yahtzee. Do you play?
yes but if the Hitler was too competitive i would quit
726. You’re in a bar, already three sheet to the wind, when Walsh comes in and says he can drink you under the table. What do you do?
well walsh might be drunk to so i compete
727. You’re in a bar getting shitfaced when you notice your mom and Ken are also in the bar and they’ve been judging you the whole time. What do you do?
stop drinking and attempt normalcy
728. You’re in a bar watching a Twins game when Matthew LeCroy walks in, puts his arm around you, and says “Oh, to be young again…” What do you do?
laugh and attempt to hang on to the moment by buying him six drinks at once
729. If I were to utter the phrase “Times, Jason, they are a’ changin'” as I held a very tiny pony, how would you react?
i would nod my head in agreement while thinking about sticking the tiny pony in my anus
730. If I were to utter the phrase “Well, that about seals the deal,” to what do you think I would be referring?
you just purchased a new car and are eye balling me nervously to stop eating the free hot dogs at the car dealership
731. If Nick were to utter “Hey, turn it to American Idol for a second,” what would you do?
give him props for the joke and then turn it there until i was sure his natural rage for idol had returned
732. If Patrick were to write you an e-mail that just said “I want you inside of me,” what would you think he meant?
i would chuckle and assume he was inviting me to watch his kidney surgery next week
733. If Lauren proposed a minage e trois, would you join in?
i would think about it briefly laugh nevously maybe attempt the first move and then ask to be excused
734. If Walsh and a roller girl proposed a minage e trois, would you join in?
i would ask if i had to wear skates laugh nervously ask how much beer could fit in her helmet and ask to be excused
735. If you and Feeney made up two-thirds of a minage e trois and you could pick the third person, who would it be?
Topanga Lawrence
736. If Burt Reynolds had been following you around taking pictures of you, would you be happy or sad?
happy maybe he mistook me for his friend dom deluise and would like to help me out
737. When is the last time you told someone you were a nice person?
i don’t know that i ever made it a point to tell someone i was nice
738. Do girls like to feel your hair?
kind of but it doesn’t come up often
739. Do you like it when ambulances drive in reverse?
yes did you know they are legally allowed to do it wherever they want
740. I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain coming down on a sunny day?
yah that is kind of alright
741. Who is the funniest character on Always Sunny?
charlie and it is not even close
742. Who is the funniest character on 912 North Egan?
Nick or Scott
743. Would Cheerios be better if they made different shapes?
no that would be a bad gimmick
744. What cereal has run its course on the kids market?
i love being able to put in king vitamin for an answer
745. If King Vitamin were here today, what would you say to him?
god that is weird that not reading questions in advance thing keeps spooking me, i would say why don’t you market your product
746. Why did Nebraska lose out on that far southwest corner to Colorado?
boy i don’t know normal shapes would be really boring for this country though
747. Are you nobody till somebody loves you?
you are somebody buy you get better when somebody cares
748. Freaks and Geeks or Salute Your Shorts?
freaks and geeks but i will always love salute your shorts
749. Do you hold Camp Anawana in your heart?
yes i do i guess donkey lips was in a super bowl ad
750. If Bobby Budnik were real, is there any way he would have been the most popular kid at any camp and/or school?
fuck no that kid was a punk with a soft spot that would never work in real life
751. Do you think Danny Tamberelli is an orphan owned by Nickelodeon studios?
that was one of the funniest things that they ever came up with seriously brilliant
752. Will you start a real-life Babysitter’s Club with me?
yah but we are going to have a hell of a time getting business
753. How many real-life Babysitter’s Clubs do you think were started as a result of the series of books?
700-1200
754. In Adventures in Babysitting, which household-name actor played the smallest role?
boy i don’t know off hand i am sure it is interesting though
755. 755 used to be the home run record. Now it’s not. Does it make you wonder?
i am curious what the new record number question is
756. What about Germans make them so likable?
i don’t know the war did not help but the culture is probably the biggest factor
757. Tell me a fact about Prego spaghetti sauce I may not already know.
the sauce contains at least 2% real tomatoes and 3% real pregnant woman blood
758. When is the last time you jumped just for fun?
while dancing at a wedding i think
759. Can you jump more than a couple inches?
i can jump more than 2 inches
760. Have you ever freestyle walked down a city street, hopping off newspaper stands and climbing walls?
no but i have freestlyle walked at a ski resort in colorado
761. If the Metrodome was being sold, piece by piece, would you buy anything?
i would buy a chair for 25 dollars shipped to me
762. Where will Barry Bonds play in 2008?
i don’t think he will honestly but i will guess dodgers
763. Would you participate in a Valleyfair ensemble recording of “We Are the World” with big names like Dick Kinzel, Ron Hubner, Hunter Hubner, Larry McKenzie, Craig Tschautscher, Dan Martin, and Mai Vang?
i don’t think those last three names or myself would be asked to participate
764. Would you rather get crabs the disease or get attacked by several crabs in your sleep every night for two weeks?
attacked after the first night i would anticipate the next attack
765. If you were in prison, would you be terrified to go to “the hole”?
i think it would calm me a little at first but i hear the isolation is brutal
766. Have you ever forgotten your wallet somewhere?
yes but rarely and i have never lost one altogether
767. When do you think you’ll start being trendy and carrying a money clip like Patrick?
i used one real briefly they it broke so never
768. Is there anything about you that qualifies as trendy?
i am trendy everybody is trendy and i am no excpetion
769. True or False: Movie theater seats are not comfortable enough.
true usually i would like a little more comfort
770. True or False: Popcorn kernels, when bitten, hurt your teeth.
false they could but they don’t
771. True or False: You have tried to write a combination of a T and an F on a true/false question to get credit regardless.
no most teachers made it a point we had to write it out
772. True or False: Everything you hear is in your head.
true but weird
773. Could you cook me dinner sometime?
i could but it would be too awesome for you to handle
774. Perkins? Do you want to go to Perkins?
i would like to go to perking right now but who knows later
775. How often are you naked outside of your bathroom?
completely naked i am not very often
776. Do you think you’ve drank more than most 60-year olds in your lifetime?
not most but if i keep going at this pace i will by the time i am 30
777. Did you ever have braces?
nope my teeth are and were perfect
778. Do you know anyone who skipped out on the army and left the country?
not personally but there were some kids in my high school who i thought might
779. If we were drafted, would you come to Canada with me?
no i would go through the process and be denied eligibility for service and you are clever enough to do the same but it feels like i asked you that once
780. Are you going to obtain a passport at some point in your life?
yah i will probably have to
781. When you were growing up, did you ever say “I wanna be a crack addict”?
hehehe no my parents wouldn’t of thought that was funny
782. How much time is too much time to spend around one person?
if you don’t annoy someone there is no such thing it has to go by a person to person basis
783. Are you happy for me in general?
i am you seem to be doing very well for yourself lately don’t fuck it up
784. What do you recall from the night I got arrested?
i and everyone else seemed to be drunk derrick had to pee you made an uncomfortable turn you got stoped and then i was riding home with a hole in my pants
785. Of our friends, who is most likely to get a DWI next?
i really hope no one does i think we have all been better about stopping before we drive
786. Can you say you’ve learned anything from Cooney?
yah i have learned many things like what candle works in our apartment
787. If a baker’s dozen is 13, then what is a baker’s single?
i guess 1.08
788. How much of Paradise by the Dashboard Light do you have memorized?
maybe 60%
789. Bon Jovi plays two concerts in St Paul in March. Would you consider going with me?
i would consider it we will see what my finances are like
790. Do you think anyone other than the two of us will read this question? By the way, if someone does read this question, please write an e-mail to ryang@microboards.com. I’d be very curious.
i think somebody will read it but this is still fun regardless
791. Does any part of what we’re doing constitute as “not wasting our time”?
i think we could consider this a personal growth exercise
792. According to the US Constitution, ______________ .
guns were really important a couple hundred years ago
793. Can you name the state capitols?
if i could have a list of all the states i think so
794. Would you believe the last two meals I’ve ordered in a restaurant both had cheese on them and I was aware of this beforehand?
i believe it change is good it was about time you stopped being a fucking four year old
795. Why is country fried steak so god damn delicious?
i don’t know but right on brother
796. Do they really fry steak like that in the country?
maybe they use to
797. Remember when we went to Madison’s Country Cafe?
yah that was pretty good or wait was that the place we got breakfast or the shrimp
798. Remember how Geiszler always thought it was called the Country Kitchen Buffet?
that is funny a little bit now but much more funny back then
799. Which is funnier—The Simpsons new episodes or C-SPAN’s coverage of Canadian Parliament?
new simpsons
800. Has Nick’s love of Ron Paul changed your outlook at the election at all?
in the beginning it did but at this point he does not have a chance
801. If you were evicted from Parkway and were required to yell profanities at management as you drove away, what would you say?
damn you pick up the fucking trash in the stairways more often most of it is not mine
802. If I were to say to you, “speak, boy, speak” would you speak?
yah but i would not be too pleased about it
803. Wanna go to Famous Dave’s sometime soon?
yes i would love that
804. If when you are reading this, I am for some reason no longer in the state of Minnesota, will you call me and tell me everything’s going to be alright?
sure i will but since i know your schedule so well you are currently at the wild game with Lauren
805. Were you hoping that one day Liz’s last name would be Assmann?
that would of been funny but i don’t think i ever talked to that guy
806. Aaron Pratt is over an hour late from break right now. Do you think I should
tattle on him?
nah let it go maybe he will buy you some ice cream
807. When is the last time you tattled on someone?
i make it a point not to but i think i told nick you peed on his tooth brush, seriously the title to these interviews should be N is for Nick
808. When is the last time you sprayed something?
air freshner in the apartment yesterday
809. Do you go to websites Jeff recommends to you?
yes but sometimes he is on the internet when he does and i forget
810. What is the best website we don’t know about?
i can’t think of one that is not porn
811. What is your thought on the 2 Girls 1 Cup video?
really gross but not the worst thing out their how did it get so popular
812. Was there any part of that video that turned you on?
i think the first couple seconds were standard girl makeout time
813. Do you think your mom should see that video?
no no no no no well as long as i have nothing to do with it
814. Are these wrinkles on my face something to be scared of?
no i get those when i don’t get enough sleep
815. What age do you really feel like?
i can honestly say i feel my age
816. Do you one day hope to get a land line phone?
it is not something i have to hope for i just don’t need it right now you insensitive prick
817. What is the biggest lie you’ve ever told?
i was telling a lot of people for awhile that i went to a pearl jam show that i did not go to
818. Is there something you’ve lied to someone about in the past and now you have to keep telling the story that way?
nothing is coming to mind
819. Someone just said “I’m waiting for my chafing dish!” Who was it?
that would be jeff who is cooking something between his legs and you bothered him
820. What is the most feeble attempt you’ve ever seen at someone playing Tetris?
Luke Katuin that was not even funny
821. Would you have liked to have gone to DSU my freshman year?
i loved my experience at NWMS and i have spent plenty of time with you
822. If you went back to Northwest Missouri State to visit, would you know anyone left?
i don’t think that i would
823. Are you still holding onto our dream of one day owning and operating a dive bar in the area?
yes i am and i am willing to move to a different are to make that dream happen
824. If an opportunity to buy a bar for cheap in Yale, SD came up, would you consider going in on it?
yes if i was out of my lease i would go with you
825. How many American babies do you think were born in 2007 that were named George?
1200
826. Have you ever met Emmy Krogman?
i don’t think their kids were over at the last bash
827. Would you rather have a smart, well-behaved kid; an athletic, quick-witted kid; or a boring kid who draws pictures of himself killing people?
smart well behaved kid, i don’t want the kid to think they are funnier than me
828. Would you ever sell a body part on eBay?
i would sell the toe next to my little toe for 25,000 dollars plus i would never have to trim it again
829. Would you buy a cheap liver on Craigslist?
no that would be foolish
830. If Nebraska changed its license plates to include a naked photo of Mr. Belvedere, would you move back to Nebraska?
yes i would and so would a lot of other strange people
831. What happened to your San Diego bumper sticker?
i tried to get rid of both cause they were both peeling but the troops one won’t budge
832. Would it be funny or cruel to name your twin boy and girl “Brother” and “Sister”?
it would be kind of funny and not that cruel
833. If you could send a one-sentence letter back in time ten years to yourself, what would it say?
Hey Jason some of the books you are reading are not very good.
834. Is it “buy me some peanuts and cracker jack,” or “cracker jacks”?
i will say and
835. If the home team doesn’t win, what percentage of the time is it a shame?
it is a damn shame 92% of the time
836. Have you ever said you had some sort of fever, like baseball fever?
i get oscar fever
837. Have you ever put peanut butter anywhere on your body other than your mouth?
my fingers my back my pussy and my crack
838. What is the most amazing thing to ever come out of your body?
poop shoped like an O
839. Who is one person you consider a stooge?
Walsh
840. Was John Ritter’s death a wake-up call to you?
yah it was like the first thing i heard when i woke up
841. Is it just me or do Zach Braff and John Ritter have a bit in common as actors?
yah i would listen to that idea
842. How will you react if the Scrubs series finale is never shot?
i think it is a real possibility, i think a movie is a good idea
843. Who is one person you consider demonic?
there was this guy in college who called himself evil he wanted to be demonic
844. Have you ever heard anything through an actual grapevine?
not one damn thing
845. Is our song really just the slamming of screen doors like Taylor Swift?
where did this Taylor Swift character come from
846. Have you ever eaten out and felt angry afterwards with how little portions you were served?
yes that sucks big time
847. Do you prefer to go out and eat somewhere where you can sit for a couple hours and have a drink and appetizer, or a place where you go in, eat, and get the fuck out?
i like the dining out experience i don’t like the cost of it
848. When is a time you would tell me “Glanzer, seriously, quiet down.”
if you did your strikeout call 4 or more times in a row
849. Would you find it more entertaining to play a football game in a downpour or a blizzard?
warm downpour
850. Have you ever been struck by lightning?
no but i welcome it
851. What do you think they mean by “one last dance with Mary Jane”?
i guess a dead girlfriend
852. When is the last time you used a cauldren?
made mac and cheese at uncle and aun’t house for the kids
853. Do you believe there are two scoops of raisins in every bowl?
no that can’t be true
854. Where does Jimi Hendrix rank on your all-time guitarists list?
how about number 2 but i don’t know who is number 1
855. Where does Josh Saviano rank on your all-time list of Fred Savage film and TV cohorts?
got to be number one Howey Mandel is a close second
856. Have you ever called anyone Master?
yes but always jokingly
857. Would you be a gimp for a renowned Minneapolis lawyer for $35/hr plus room and board?
yes if i got weekends off
858. What do they mean by room and board?
room and use of the kitchen and bathroom
859. Tell me what you think of dinosaurs.
the tv show was cool and weird, the disney cartoon was lame and the real ones are coming back….not
860. If Michael Jordan were dead, who would the greatest living Chicago Bull be?
dennis rodman
861. What if Scottie Pippen had also retired to play minor league baseball?
yah i put rodman to be funny as my first reaction but i heard pippen couldn’t swing a bat
862. What do you think really happened with Jean-Benet Ramsey?
i think some sicko killed her
863. What do you think really happened with the moon landing?
i have mixed feelings about that if i was pressed i would say we landed
864. Will aliens ever try to abduct you?
god i hope not
865. What are the top three musicals made into movies?
hedwig and the angry inch, hairspray, rent
866. What kind of first name is Sweeney?
it is unique Sweeney Glanzer has a ring to it
867. What movie should have rightfully won Best Picture in 2000?
crouching tiger hidden dragon
868. Who is the greatest Kansas City Royal of all-time?
george brett
869. What do you think of ZZ Top?
they are pretty bland besides the beards in my book
870. What do you think of ZZ Zip from Salute Your Shorts?
thank you for that i had forgot
871. What do you think of Zip from Rescue Rangers?
little fucking know it all pip squeak
872. Have you ever had a nagging zipper that got cloth stuck in it?
in elementary school i had that weekls now i have it monthly
873. Remember when the ZIP Feed building, the tallest building in Sioux Falls, was supposed to be imploded but it just stood there?
that was classis it was after i didn’t live in madison but that is where i watched it awesome
874. You’re in a bar doing the YMCA dance when all the men begin taking their shirts off and dancing together with no females joining in. How much more gay do you become?
that was awesome and we are all still hetero
875. Would you ever ask permission from your friends before growing a beard?
no the facial hear is my shit
876. What is one thing you will never order off the menu at Denny’s?
mushroom and cheese skillet hold the potatos add cole slaw
877. For $185 and a bottle of gin, would you take way too many laxatives, go into a Denny’s at mid-day and make a wild mess of the men’s bathroom, then not wipe or wash and go sit down and order a Moons Over My-Hammy and not eat it and bitch to your waiter about it being cold and then make a mess of your table and then walk out on the bill? Because that offer is officially on the table.
that sounds like fun but i would blow it
878. For $5, will you pour a full bottle of Tobasco down your pants?
yes but i get to use your laundry card
879. Are fish oil tablets healthy?
i doubt it i know they taste bad
880. What six-digit number is your least favorite and why?
123456 it never works for an internet password
881. Are you punctual?
yes i am pretty punctual about most things
882. Where do you hope Jeff is living in twenty years?
in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife
883. At what point in your life would you be so desperate that you would have sex with an animal?
98 years old and i am senile and it means instant death
884. If you had a son and he was arrested for defacing a statue, how would you react?
i would ask him why and hopefully be able to just let it go
885. You’re at a bar with two kids under 21 and the bartender isn’t carding them. Do you rat them out and take their drinks?
no that is mean unless i get some courage juice in me and they are not polite
886. Besides Justin Springer at the ’04 Olympics when you hauled Travis’s drunk ass off the premises, have people ever referred to you as a hero?
nope that was my heroic moment
887. Is Steph Laursen still mad at you over the ’04 VF Olympics scandal?
i hope not i also hope we never see each other to talk about it
888. Can I inject you with a shot of B-12?
if it won’t kill me you can for a hand job
889. You’re at the bar doing the YMCA dance when all the women in the room take their shirts off and dance along. How do you react?
i am suprised but i finish the song while avoiding contact and no group picture would be taken afterwards
890. Would you care for a wounded panda that was foaming at the mouth?
no i am not qualified to do that
891. If you were a dog, would you be playful or lazy?
i would be the perfect combination of both so my master would feed me human food
892. If you were a cow, would you try to escape or just go with the flow knowing full-well you’d one day be brutally killed and eaten?
yah being a cow would suck i would try to escape
893. Do you know any real-life Latinos?
i think so but i am not sure
894. Judy Reyes, Sarah Chalke, or Christa Miller?
chalke
895. Lisa Turtle, Laura Winslow, or Tia Lowry?
lowry
896. Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Cheryl Hines, or Ron Paul?
hines
897. DJ, Stephanie, or Michelle?
dj
898. Which of your teeth could be in most trouble?
farback top right
899. What do you know about fly-fishing?
there is a rod invollved some flies and boots
900. You’re in a bar with MC Hammer and last call comes around and you are both demanding to buy each other the final drink. How do you settle it?
who has the newest movie ticket in there pants
901. Do you believe flags have to be rectangular?
no there are world flags that are not, they are cool
902. Have you ever been to Serbia-Montenegro?
i have not had the pleasure
903. If you had to join the Army, what job would you hope for?
water purification like in the army now
904. What do you think of when I say “weekly planner”?
something i should consider using but will not
905. Have you ever invented anything?
i invented cottage cheese on top of fried eggs covered in gravy with some bacon bits on top ask jeff
906. What is the first search result for jason laplant on Google?
has to be something to do with your site
907. Do you think there are other Jason LaPlants out there who have had unfortunate misunderstandings as a result of your name coming up on my website?
maybe you would no better than i would
908. Are you ever worried about Peurto Ricans’ welfare?
rarely but when i am it is with a great passion
909. Did you know there is a bed & breakfast somewhere outside Carpenter?
wow that is weird i would like to see it
910. What do you think of when I say “travel bible?”
a salesman who does not settle for the hotel bible provided to him but instead bring along his own that is marked and well read
911. Is it okay to say “too soon” to 9/11 jokes even today?
yah too soon usually enhances the joke
912. Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?
college dorm room by myself drinking apple juice
913. Have you ever been fooled by a teacher?
yes teacher’s fooled me into believing i had a successful future ahead of me
914. Which president would your mom be most likely to date if they were the same age and were both in high school?
Truman
915. Which teacher do you doubt to ever see or hear from again?
Mrs Anderson my fourth grade teacher
916. If you were teaching a random adult education course in Eden Prairie, what would you be qualified to teach?
how to figure out scheduling to see 4 to 6 movies in one day
917. Do you worry about credit card debt?
i have debt that i worry about but i have no credit cards
918. Is Mitt Romney a proven leader?
no he is not considering i barely know who he is
919. Do you tend to side with terrorists or America?
America dammit
920. Which pro sports team is least likely to win a championship in your lifetime?
Devil Rays
921. Do you think the Patriots will ever lose a regular season game again with Tom Brady at QB?
yes that is almost a given
922. Do you hate whiners?
i don’t care for them but hate is a strong word
923. Are you a say-er or a do-er?
i say what i am goin to do and then if i remember it i do the piss out of it
924. Is there crying in baseball?
no crying in baseball sir
925. What is the first VHS tape you remember buying?
home alone
926. Was Patrick’s birthday the greatest birthday party ever?
personally i think it was
927. Does the Sportsman rank a little higher in your book after that night?
at this point it is my favorite bar ever
928. Was Patrick’s “I will fuck your pain away” improvised lyric the best ever?
no but it was damn close
929. Remember your quote from that night, “Sing till you die!”
yes maybe
930. Did you know that sushi refers to the rice, not the raw fish?
i did not know that thank Lauren for me
931. Did you know that water, when consumed after a night of drinking, can help the body?
that seems pretty logical
932. You’re at the bar with Steve and Vincent when all of a sudden you see a ghost. Who gets the most scared?
Steve because he is a giant tool
933. Do you consider Rod Roddy a celebrity?
yes plus he is dead i think
934. Who is least deserving of a star on the Walk of Fame—Mike Wallace, Chris Berman, or Justine Bateman?
Justine Bateman and it is not very close
935. What if your computer crashed right now. Would you be effing pissed?
i would be worried jeff would make me buy him a new one
936. What do you think of my Afternoon Delight video being removed from YouTube for copyright violations?
fucking bullshit
937. I have an ear ache. What do you recommend?
tilt your head or lie down on the ear that does not hurt
938. You’re at the bar when a little boy with a wad of quarters asks you if you can beat him at pinball, but he won’t let you drink while doing so. What do you do?
i put the youngster in his place asap
939. Who is the best foosball player you know?
Nick Sandbutle
940. Did you ever join in Jake and Craig for a game of faceketball?
i don’t think i ever got in on that fad
941. My e-mail went down for most of the day today. Does this annoy you?
nope sorry it does not
942. What do you think of the phrase “dream walkin'”?
it seems dated to me
943. You’re at the bar when you realize your pubic hair is annoyingly long. What do you do?
convince myself to get through the day take care of the problem in the morning
944. You’re at church when you start craving an ice cold Hamm’s. What do you do?
during prayer time rack brain for quickest way to get Hamm’s
945. Have you ever suffered a broken limb?
no i have not i had a close call though
946. Have you ever steered a ship?
i steered a boat/car thing in the dells
947. Name two people you want to see make out right now.
Nick and my favorite porn star
948. Name a third person to join in the group makeout.
me
949. What is the most senseless nursery rhyme of all-time?
mary had a little lamb is the only one my brain can think of right now
950. Do you still know the Muffin Man who used to live near Patrick down on Drury Lane?
i did not growing up, Shrek was the first time i heard of it
951. What is the worst t-shirt you’ve encountered?
Jesus was a Cunt and then it features a picture of a nun doing something really bad
952. Are there any articles of clothing in your rotation that should be retired?
the homer shirt i am wearing right now is a great example of that
953. Have you tried stuffing one meat inside another?
no but it sounds like a good idea
954. If I feel a little drowsy, what would you recommend?
warm milk and laxatives
955. What name do you recommend for a future airline?
TWA
956. Do you know what a gradient is?
it sounds like science so no
957. Is there any truth to your personal blog online?
yes there is but it is extremely hidden and very brief
958. Are you aware of my alter ego. Christopher Gravel?
no if that is real i am intrigued
959. Do you wish you had Coach Cutlip from Wonder Years as a coach?
yah maybe he wouldn’t have made me dry off with paper towels
960. Who could replace Paula as an Idol judge?
i would go with Madonna if they could get her
961. Would you like Nick to get into Idol or is his hatred kinda funny?
no his hatred is funny
962. You’re 96.2% finished with this interview. Are you getting tired of it?
i am a little but only because i made it a point to finish it like 400 questions ago
963. Do you want chocolate right now?
yes i am making it a point to finish this before i eat i started at 4pm i have not ate all day and it is 9:37 right now
964. Have you ever been allowed to name a pet?
i was part of a process but i don’t think any of mine ever won out
965. What is your favorite bug?
ladybug
966. Do mosquitoes irritate you a lot?
yes but i handle it better than most
967. What is one smell you like that most people hate?
oil
968. If I doused you in gasoline, would you be careful to not light a match?
very careful
969. Why do FM radio stations end in odd-number decimals, like 105.1?
good question maybe you will tell me sometime
970. What was the Bayside radio station?
tiger fm the home of Max
971. What do you remember most from when you met Dennis Haskins?
he was not interested in me and seemed ready to get his drink on
972. If Eddie Money agreed to do a concert at the apartment office at 4:00 tomorrow, would you make a point to attend?
yah that would be weird and i have the time off
973. Between me, you, Nick, Jeff, Cooney, Patrick, and Mike, we’ve probably given Parkway apartments over $30,000. We could have bought a lot of booze with that, yes?
yes and more importantly we could of lived in a six bedroom place on that which is kind of sad
974. Do any country artists continually impress you?
i am afraid they do not
975. Is Garth Brooks’ deal with Wal-Mart good or bad for the industry?
bad but the products are affordable and fun
976. Do you think I try too hard sometimes?
yes but you are better than most
977. Have you ever had a finger get stapled?
no but i have given it some thought
978. Can you split an atom?
with the proper training is still don’t think i can
979. Did you find the 1979 World Series DVD amusing?
yah it was funny i would have liked to see more commercials
980. Have you used a printer recently?
i use one evry day at work
981. Is there something wrong with your foot?
sometimes the arch of my right one pains me
982. Would you be afraid of dying if you knew you got a Beatles concert in your honor when you first arrived in heaven?
wow i would have to start trying to get into heaven but only after the last two die
983. What did you think of my karaoke performance of “It’s All Been Done” at Patrick’s birthday party?
it sounded good you no good trying to impress Lauren Scallywag
984. If you were an athlete’s personal trainer, whose would it be?
Lecroy’s we would be working on bar darts
985. Does Lysol clean better than ever?
better than it did 200 years ago
986. You’re at the bar with Jeff when I walk in angrily and wonder why I wasn’t invited. What do you do?
explain that this is our time and that you should understand how rare it is for me and jeff to be in a bar alone
987. If you had a million dollars, would you buy a house?
yes that would be the first thing after i eliminated personal debts
988. Is Canada really America’s hat?
no it is fine i don’t want to make fun of it again
989. Did you ever play Deion Sanders Primetime football for Sega?
i don’t think i did we were very much nintendo kids
990. What was the second most popular video game character after Mario?
pac man but sonic is close
991. Who makes the biggest messes of food of people you know?
no comment
992. I’m about to put in my free lunch order for Davanni’s. What should I get?
meatball sub
993. Are you ashamed that I beat you to the punch making up questions?
a little but i don’t have computer in my room or at my work
994. Did the baseball strike ruin baseball for you at all?
no honestly at that point i was not the fan i am today
995. Have you ever eaten a tongue?
i have bitten pieces off my own
996. Could you run a full lap against the water at the VF lazy river?
yah it would be hard but i could do it
997. Which of our friends eats out the least?
i will guess Brad
998. Tell a funny story about you in Iowa.
When i entered Iowa for the first time the smell improved dramatically
999. Would you do Barack Obama if you were his wife?
no that would ruin his chances of being our leader
1000. Thank you for joining us today, Jason. Any closing remarks?
wow i can’t believe how many of ours were kind of similar and we did similar pattern techniques good stuff sir don’t make me look like a fool when you edit this dick wad
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