Ryan Answers 1000 Questions From Jason LaPlant

The formatting is a little off, but it’s 1000 questions dammit. You can read it well enough.

 

1. How much interest would you have in seeing a david bowie concert?

Little to none. I don’t know David Bowie’s music but any sort of

large rock concert would be worth seeing.

 

2. What was the last book you read cover to cover?

I borrowed that book from you about a year ago called “I Hope They

Serve Beer in Hell.” That guy’s stories made ours look lame.

 

3. Would you rather go to space camp or cowboy camp?

I’ve got some mild cowboy experience from my days on the farm, so

let’s give space a try.

 

4. What was the last letter you pooped?

Probably I or J. I don’t usually look down to check unless the

situation warrants checking.

 

5. Have you ever been hit with a paintball?

No, and I have no desire to play paintball. I bet it would hurt like

the dickens though.

 

6. Who has the coolest name in sports?

I always liked that old Cleveland Indian from the 1900s named

Napoleon Lajoie, pronounced lah-zho-WAY. Currently, maybe it would be

Carlos Boozer.

 

7. Have you ever used a pencil to clean out your ears?

I believe I tried this in grade school a time or two. The eraser end

anyway.

 

8. What is your favorite pinball machine?

I was always partial to this baseball-themed pinball machine in the

Sioux Falls arcade that gave out baseball cards.

 

9. What movie are you most looking forward to seeing?

I still haven’t seen Juno, but by the time this is posted that might

not be the case. And that Will Ferrell basketball movie coming out in

March strikes me as appealing.

 

10. Did you ever think you might be color blind?

No, I always passed those dotted color tests with flying colors.

 

11.Do you think you could lead a normal life if you were required to

drink one beer every hour from 8 AM to 11 PM everday?

Well, that would be cutting it down a little for me, you know what

I’m sayin? But seriously I could not, although I would probably be a

much more pleasant co-worker to have around.

 

12. What is your favorite Tom Wilkinson movie?

I know he was in Eternal Sunshine and that’s one of my top 50

movies.

 

13. When was the last time you saw the back of your head?

Not as long as you might think. I saw myself from the back in a

picture from Patrick’s party and thought to myself that my hair in back

was looking nice.

 

14. Have you ever tasted windex?

No but the janitor’s closet is always open.

 

15. Would you rather sit through a horror marathon or a western

marathon?

I have about the same degree of interest in both, and that’s

minimal. But horror movies inevitably would keep me up at night, so

western.

 

16. Will Jason Bateman win an Oscar?

Doubtful, but if he gets a serious role he can run with, who knows.

 

17. Who is your favorite supporting character on the american office?

I’d have to say Toby’s scenes are the funniest.

 

18. When was the last time you drove your car over 80 mph?

I think I approached 80 when I was driving down I-29 over Christmas

break. I was passing a semi and needed to speed up a little more.

 

19. What is your favorite card game?

Presidents and Assholes. That game rules, especially playing it with

the parents at Carpenter Bash.

 

20. Why do you think it has become standard for popular movies to

appear in trilogies?

If you can find something that makes a ton of money and people want

more, you make more. If you find something that gets huge fan reaction,

keep going with it.

 

21. Have you tried Nick’s waterbed?

No. I have only been in Nick’s room two or three times, and those

were usually to play some sort of joke on him or fix the router.

 

22. Have you had a nose bleed recently?

Yes. I got one driving back from Carpenter when I returned for that

single day.

 

23. Would you rather see a Michael Jordan or a Dan Marino comeback?

I think Dan Marino would be way more interesting given how long he’s

been retired.

 

24. Have your legs ever fallen asleep while you were on the toilet?

No, have yours? Maybe a foot, at most.

 

25. What is your favorite ice cream topping?

Always partial to the hot fudge, but mixing in some sort of candy

bar would make it all the more enticing.

 

26. What do you think of when I say double deep?

At first something sexual came to mind, but I couldn’t pinpoint

what. Also a football receiver’s route came to mind.

 

27. Internet porn yay or nay?

Yay, but you really should limit it. Someday you might get lucky and

get the real thing and it won’t be the same as what you saw online.

 

28. Would you watch PJ’S the movie?

Alcohol must be involved.

 

29. What should be the title to a new back to the future movie?

Back to the Future IV: The Chronicles of Crispin Glover

 

30. When was the last time you used a phone booth?

I haven’t used one in a coon’s age. But there is a fake one at the

Chanhassen Houlihan’s that I stepped inside once.

 

31. Do you think you would be happy eating only KFC for a year?

Absolutely not. I get miserable after eating there once. I always

overdo it.

 

32. Would you enjoy being a limo driver?

Yeah, but I would probably have several accidents with the length of

the car being what it is.

 

33. What movie will win best picture at the oscars this year?

I am cheating and coming back to re-answer this question Feb. 16,

now that I’ve seen four of the five nominees.  I would rank them in

this order: No Country, Michael Clayton, Juno, There Will Be Blood.

But I would not be unhappy to see any of those movies win.  I will

try to get to Atonement before the Oscars as well.

 

34. Have you seen the movie Driving Miss Daisy?

No, but strangely it is third-to-next on my Blockbuster queue.

 

35. Do you think drinking lead paint is always dangerous?

The key word there is always, which means 100% of the time. I bet

there have been occasions where people have done it with no harm.

 

36. When will you next be wearing a dress?

The next Rocky Horror party. I won’t be left out this time.

 

37. Do you think Patrick is afraid of rabbits?

He talks a big game about his love of bunnies, but I would love to

see him actually sit down and play with one.

 

38. Do androids dream of electric sheep?

Yes, but they also dream of regular sheep.

 

39. Would you shoot a horse in the hoof for $45 dollars?

It can’t feel its hoof, right? It is like cartilage or something.

But I would misfire and shoot myself, so no.

 

40. Is there a chance you will become involved with the mafia in the

future?

That all depends how my current stint with the mafia plays out.

 

41. Have you ever ate hay?

I believe I’ve tried it once or twice, just to see what all the fuss

was about.

 

42. Have you ever seriously wished upon a star?

Yes, on many occasions. Usually I was bored sitting in the backseat

of a car at the time.

 

43. Have you watched Fantasia in its entirety?

I think I have at school. It was an end-of-the-month movie years

ago.

 

44. How many units of pi do you have memorized?

3.14159. I will always remember that much.

 

45. Who will you be voting for President in 2008?

Nick has really got me on the Ron Paul bandwagon, but I’ll assume

he’s not going to be in the runnings much longer. Second on my ballot is

Obama.

 

46. Do you think IHOP has to many gimmicks?

No, I’m not aware of their gimmicks at all.

 

47. Why are the Garfield movies so terrible?

Cause we remember those hilarious animated Garfields from the day

and these movies aren’t the same.

 

48. Would you rather bring Freaks and Geeks or Arrested Deveolpment

back on the air?

Very difficult question. Given the current age of the Freaks

characters, it wouldn’t be the same. Arrested could go on regardless of

the character’s ages.

 

49. What food would you like to learn how to cook?

Honestly, a very spicy red Thai curry. I want to impress Lauren

Poulter!

 

50. What subject in high school do you wish you learned more about?

A foreign language would have been nice.

 

51. How many stars out of 4 would you give No Country for Old Men?

Maybe 4. I really liked it but I think the way you guys gushed

about it after the show made me like it a little less.  Actually,

after having some time to reflect on it, it really was the best movie

I’ve seen recently.  It should probably get the Oscar.

 

52. Who do you think is the nicest celebrity?

David Ortiz. He’s the nicest one I’ve met. Overall though, I think

Randy Jackson is a giving person. Drew Barrymore seems extremely nice

too.

 

53. Who do you think is the meanest celebrity?

Dakota Fanning.

 

54. What is your favorite Pink Floyd song?

I’ll have to go with the obvious choice, “Comfortably Numb.”

 

55. How often do you clean your keyboard at work?

Monthly. I eat a lot of snacks over it and crumbs get wedged in.

 

56. What is your favorite item at a chinese buffet?

By the way, that question just made me really effing hungry. I

always love the General Tso’s.

 

57. Who was the last person you hit with a snow ball?

Aaron Pratt. I threw one at him as he was getting out of his car a

few weeks ago.

 

58. Who was the last person you hit with a spit wad?

Dikembe Mutombo. He had it coming.

 

59. Do you think people would kiss more often if everybody chewed?

Yes is the obvious answer. But even you won’t chew, so who’s to say.

 

60. What language would you most like to learn?

Japanese, given Microboards has an office there and if I could speak

it fluently, maybe I’d get to go there on a trip.

 

61. How do you want to see Scrubs end?

I want to know Janitor’s name. I want Dr. Cox to go into cardiac

arrest and JD saves him and the two become best friends. And JD and

Elliott should just get together.

 

62. What is your favorite John Travolta film?

Pulp Fiction, hands-down. But cheers to Hairspray as well.

 

63. What year was the best in cinema ever?

1994. I think we both know that’s true.

 

64. Do you think you will ever buy a game for Nick’s wii?

Not a chance. The Wii makes me very angry.

 

65. Would you like to take a bath with Whoopi Goldberg?

Yes, because that would make one hell of a story over dinner.

 

66. Do you find tinker bell attractive?

I think they drew her to be attractive. I find her dateable.

 

67. I am having this fear that i have already asked you a question

like do you find tinkerbell attractive and that someone will see that

and realize how attracted i am to tink, do you have the same fear?

No, I’m very open about my question asking. Are you attracted to

Tink? Cause I’m going to judge you and I think you’re really weird.

 

68. How neurotic do you think you are?

Very. Especially about certain things. I play lots of unnecessary

head games with myself and should probably seek help.

 

69. Do you think Chris Farley would have been nominated for an oscar

by now if he were still alive?

Well that’s a big if. I think he’d have attended the Oscars.

 

70. Would you rather eat three feet of a sandwich or three pounds of

steak both of which are really well made?

Steak. I don’t know of a really delicious sandwich.

 

71. What do you think of Steve Job?

I liked his character from Pirates of Silicon Valley. I like him

more than Bill Gates.

 

72. Do you enjoy licking stamps and or envelopes?

No. Luckily today’s stamps and envelopes are mostly sticky already.

 

73. How much would you pay for a ticket to a NASCAR race?

$10. It might be fun to see in person, but watching on TV does

nothing for me.

 

74. What was the last original nintendo game you beat?

Hmm… I finished Super Mario 3 a number of times, as well as Contra.

Probably one of them.

 

75. Have you ever said chicken pot pie in a joke?

Not recently, but my joke archival skills are going to shit.

 

76. What is the most aged thing you have eaten?

I think lots of things in our apartment fridge are about two years

old.

 

77. What is the most aged thing you have drank?

This mini bottle of Pepsi I bought in Canada in 1995 and was saving

as a souvenir. It must have been ten years old at the time, but went

down like new.

 

78. Do you think Al Gore means well?

I do. He’s a do-good kinda guy.

 

79. What is your favorite joke?

I can only tell one. That one where the guy walks into the grocery

store and the cashier calls him ugly. That one always gets a laugh.

 

80. What do you think would happen if Michael Richards tried to make

a Borat style movie?

I’d watch it, but the black community wouldn’t stand for it.

 

81. Who will your first novel be dedicated to?

My dear friend Sammy Liwonjo.

 

82. How advanced was you vocabulary as a toddler?

I was talking at a Stanford scholar level by 3, no joke.

 

83. Have you ever used french playin cards?

No but hopefully soon.

 

84. Do you hate the french?

They seem snobby in movies and sports. Just look at Tony Parker.

 

85. How often do you use mustard?

Almost never. But I did use some sort of mustard vinaigrette

dressing on a salad the other day.

 

86. What do you think of when I say easter seaboard?

The Easter bunny diving into a pool.

 

87. When was the last time you were a silly billy?

How about this morning, when I took my car to the shop before work,

then trudged through knee-high snow to get to Microboards, all the while

singing the Family Matters theme song.

 

88. Do you remember what the show Chico and the man was about?

No but it is referenced in Everclear’s hit “AM Radio.”

 

89. Which celebrity will next attempt suicide?

Melissa Rivers will take too many diet pills.

 

90. Who’s autobiography would you most want to read?

Larry David’s would ultimately entertain me to no end.

 

91. Who’s biography would you like to write?

Honestly one of the friends from the gang. Yours would be a great

time writing.

 

92. What professional athlete who is past their prime do you think

you could beat at their sport?

Are we talking current? I’d say Nick Punto at power hitting.

Otherwise, Muhammad Ali.

 

93. When was the last time you counted wind mills?

January 2005 on a drive from Madison to Minneapolis.

 

94. What is your favorite Talking Heads song?

“Burning Down the House” is the only one I can think of. It’s

catchy, I guess.

 

95. When was the last time you sand papered something?

Probably in Sculpture class when I made my wooden Twins logo.

 

96. When was the last time you played chess?

It’s been over a year I bet. It seems like I played Patrick, but I

could be way off.

 

97. When was the last time something you had was to hot to drink

right away?

Very frequently the hot chocolate at work needs time to cool.

 

98. What do you think the first name will be of this season’s

American Idol?

George

 

99. When was the last time you stepped in dog shit?

Last summer I went on a walk and stepped in some and it was annoying

me. I had to keep stopping and trying to pick it out with a twig. And

then some ended up on my finger.

 

100. What is your favorite curse word?

I like all the forms of “damn” that we do. “Deeeaaaamn!”

 

>>

QUESTIONS 101-200

 

 

Questions 101-200 •

Previous 100 •

Next 100

 

101. What do you think of Glen Close?

Her name is synonymous with snoozefest.

 

102. If you trained for a whole year do you think you cold do a

routine on uneven parallel bars?

A whole year? Yes. Hopefully I could do it after 8 months.

 

103. Do you think you would have made a good caveman?

Yes, if they are anything like the Geico cavemen.

 

104. Do you think every snow flake is really unique?

No way. There have been infinite snow flakes over history. I bet

there were some that were identical.

 

105. Have you ever been pissed at a scientist?

Some of the old Bill Nye episodes pissed me off. One of my friends

loved that show and made me sit through it with him all the time.

 

106. When was the last time you put a dime in a machine?

Within the last month. I often get candy bars and pop at work from

the vending machines.

 

107. If we had to get rid of one would it be spoons or forks?

I can usually make do with a fork. I have eaten soup with a fork in

desperate occasions.

 

108. Do you like cream cheese on apples?

Have not tried, and am not likely to try. Why, is it good?

 

109. When was the last time you chopped wood?

I wonder if I ever have chopped wood before?

 

110. Have you ever licked perspiration of a window?

I used to do that on the school bus. But I was really bored.

 

111. What cool nickname would you like to give Jesus?

El Tigre, J-Shnizzle, or Cocklebur.

 

112. Do you think frost bite victims are slighty lazy?

No. I got frostbite on my ears once from trying mightily to get my

car out of a snow bank and I was working hard.

 

113. How would you describe baseball to a new born?

You see, son, a man hits a ball with a stick and runs from base to

base. Understand? Good.

 

114. Have you ever seen hemlock?

Sherlock? Yes, on Sesame Streeet.

 

115. Do you think Hillary Rodham Clinton is sexy?

If power turns you on, then yes. But she doesn’t do it for me.

 

116. What tv series will you buy on dvd next?

Now that all Seinfelds are out, I don’t know. Maybe the next season

of Curb which I didn’t get to see.

 

117. How much would I have to pay you to play Russian Roulette with

Charles Manson?

I wouldn’t do it at all. Just my luck I’d get the wrong chamber.

 

118. What was your favorite cereal box toy?

 

It’s hard to remember the crap that came out of cereal boxes now. I

am drawing a complete blank on any and all cereal toys. Sad.

 

119. How often do you watch The View?

I’ve seen probably a grand total of 3 minutes of the show ever.

 

120. Does strawberry peach pie sound good to you?

Yes, can I have some please?

 

121. How long is your chest hair?

It varies. Some are much longer than others. The longest one may be

1.5 inches.

 

122. Does the pounding of a hammer make you nervous?

No, it makes me intrigued. ‘What needs building?’ I think to myself.

 

123. How much money can I borrow?

Even for my closest friends, lending money is something I am very

uneasy about. For you, maybe $100. That’s as far as I go.

 

124. Do you think you will ever destroy a wedding cake?

I did at the age of 3. I will do it again soon.

 

125. Have you seen High School Musical 2?

I have actually seen the music video for the baseball song, which

includes many MLB players including Torii, Johan, and Lew Ford.

 

126. Is it ok to cry?

Yes, but only if your team wins a championship, or you are really

sickeningly frustrated looking for something that you can’t find.

 

127. Without looking what would you guess is the last word in the

bible?

time

 

128. Would you give up a year of your life for 3 million dollars?

Only if I knew how long I’d live. If I live into my 60s, then yes.

 

129. Have you ever killed a man?

No, I really haven’t. If I ever do, it will be by accident, I can

assure you that.

 

130. What was the last bug you killed?

There was a spider in the shower at Lauren’s house that met its

ultimate fate courtesy of my hand.

 

131. Do you like Porky Pig?

Yes but not to the point where I would fantasize about him or wish he

were a real pig. Isn’t it odd that the world’s most famous pig isn’t

even real? Think about it. Of all the pigs, the most famous one is one

that someone made up. That’s tough to do.

 

132. If they sold Red Apple cigarettes would you buy a pack?

No, I just can’t choke down any sort of cigarette.

 

133. When was the last time you were in a jeep?

I don’t know. Probably the last time I rode in one.

 

134. How long do you plan on encouraging your children’s stupid

dreams?

The stupider they are, the more encouragement they will get. It would

be funny.

 

135. Do you find escalators awkward?

Getting on the Down escalators is a skill I am yet to master.

 

136. What position do you usually wake up in?

Typically on my side, hugging a pillow or person.

 

137. Can there really be too much of a good thing?

Too much of good things usually results in vomiting. You’ll know.

 

138. When was the last time you used condensed milk?

Probably that time I tried to fake a big sex scene had gone down on

your bed.

 

139. What are your thoughts on me punching you on September 11 2009

just so you remember the day?

Please do it for real. I need to be reminded of my patriotism.

 

140. When you have a house will you put a flag out on important days?

I don’t know. That seems like an awful lot of work.

 

141. If I gave you one hour do you think you could bring me a used

syringe?

Yes. Start the timer.

 

142. What does Deepak Chopra mean to you?

Some sort of Thai delicacy made of shrimp and yolk?

 

143. Were you scared of tomatoes at any point in your teens?

I was never a fan of eating them in my teens. I’ve since backed down

on that stance.

 

144. How many water balloons out of ten do you think you would pop

while trying to fill?

4. I am too fidgety.

 

145. What do you think of when I say false mutiny?

Someone lying about a tragic event.

 

146. Besides Heinz what is your favorite brand of ketchup?

I never use ketchup on anything. Maybe if Famous Dave’s had their own

ketchup.

 

147. What museum are you most likely to be in next?

Lauren lives so close to that Walker Art Museum, that would seem the

most likely.

 

148. What were your first impressions of Jeff LaPlant?

Quiet, burly, a man of his word, a ladies man, and not as cool as his

older brother. But that all changed very quickly.

 

149. How much time would you enjoy spending in a dictionary store?

Seven minutes, give or take six minutes.

 

150. Would you like to fly a jet?

Only if you were in the cabin with me drunk off your ass.

 

151. Do you think you will ever buy another liter of 151?

Yes. I think it’s funny to watch our friends try to do difficult

shots.

 

152. Do you remember Dan Brockberg?

I can’t say that I ever knew him. Where would I have known him?

 

153. When was the last time you played with a lite brite?

It’s been at least 16 years, but I did see a local pub using a Lite

Brite to announce daily specials.

 

154. What cell phone plan would you suggest I get?

Not Verizon. I like their service but it’s wildly expensive to get

what I need. Try Sprint.

 

155. Why would someone call you a poop head?

Maybe I have poop unknowingly smudged in my eyes.

 

156. Did you ever think you had worms?

Yes. I used to think there were worms entering and exiting through my

butt. But this was the 80s.

 

157. When was the last time you argued if something was hot?

Some girls at work are always cold and always have space heaters on,

and I argue it’s already hot in the building. They think otherwise,

obviously.

 

158. Have you ever welded?

I think so. Either Dad let me try once or we had to do it in Ag

class.

 

159. Would you be pissed if you had to spend christmas in your store

room?

Yes, I like to be around people on Christmas.

 

160. Just how stunning beautiful do you think Jeff is?

Jeff can walk into a room and every last person will stop dead in

their tracks, turn their heads, and drop anything they’re holding. Jeff

can make a kitty purr and a baby giggle just by teasing them with his

beard.

 

161. If given the chance would you hang out with Jeff two guys one

cup style?

That video is cool with girls. But it disgusts the hell out of me to

think of Jeff or any other male involved.

 

162. When was the last time you heated up a sandwich that was not

meant to be heated up?

I guess it’s debatable whether or not sandwiches are meant to be

heated. You can do whatever you want with food.

 

163. Raquetball?

We should play racquetball!

 

164. Do you wish you could hiss like a cat or lick like a dog?

Lick. I think it would come in handy when I buy ice cream.

 

165. How much to make love to a monkey?

$25,000 if it was willing and well-groomed. But you have to remember

most monkeys aren’t going to be interested.

 

166. Would you rather play Tiny Tim or the Scrooge in A Cristmas

Carol?

Tiny Tim. I think I could win an award for my portrayal of him.

 

167. Would you match me shot for shot in a sand drinking contest?

Yes. We’d both stare at each other and question really doing a single

shot. Then one of us would pour the sand in their mouths, and so would

the other. We’d spit it out and call it even.

 

168. I am considering bleaching my beard little help?

Don’t bleach it over an open flame.

 

169. Do you or Dennis Rodman have a bigger pinky?

Dennis Rodman has notoriously long fingers.

 

170. Do you wish you had an extra joint in your leg or arm?

Arm. I think walking would be too much of a challenge.

 

171. Do you think Will Smith just wears black make up?

I think he is really black. That would be tough to pull off.

 

172. Do you think I am racist?

No, you used to give your black co-worker Ronald rides home from

work.

 

173. Have you ever been called a chunky bitch?

Twice, but not since that Canadian farmer broke into our apartment

that night.

 

174. What do you think of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s weight gain?

She might be one of those people who is more attractive really

skinny. She has the face for it. But oftentimes you’ll hear me say women

look better with a slight weight raise.

 

175. How much to eat my dandruff?

If you mixed it in with other food, a little at a time, I’d do it for

a few hundred.

 

176. Who has an annoying laugh that I don’t know?

Every so often, I’ll be sitting in my room and hear this squelching

cackle from Nick’s room.

 

177. How long did it take you to get prime numbers?

I caught on quickly. I still get them. 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19,

23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59.

 

178. When was the last time it seemed like the fates were against

you?

When I went 2-for-20 shooting in our first basketball game of 2008.

Easy lay-ups were way off mark. I simply was not meant to score.

 

179. What was the thing you told me about the I phone last week?

Someone at work got one and was able to switch carriers.

 

180. Fill in the Blank: I wish I never tried ______ that _____ off my

forehead?

Sucking on, arsenic

 

181. Would you like to polish a stripper pole?

Would there be strippers watching?

 

182. Would you like to get serious about ice skating?

No, but I’d like to get serious about cleaning up planet earth while

ice skating.

 

183. Warren Moon approaches you and says you haven’t live how do you

respond?

I take a cheap shot at him as he walks away, but secretly know he’s

probably right.

 

184. What would you name your pet polar bear?

Stevie Boyhood

 

185. If you could detach a retina at will would you?

No, I find seeing comes in handy.

 

186. When do you think you will start to get into rap?

I think if you or someone I know became a famous rapper, I’d have to

get into it.

 

187. Would you like it if captain awesome was real?

Yes then he could bake me some brownies.

 

188. Do you think acid washed jeans will make a comeback?

I honestly do. Everything from the 80s or 90s will make a brief

comeback in trendy society.

 

189. HaHAHAHA HA ha what was so funny?

I just thought of a cat on an airplane peeing on a businessman’s

luggage and the wretched smell that is sure to follow when he lands.

 

190. Can we start saying dip shit more?

If you remember to do so, so will I, you dip shit.

 

191. Would you enjoy jumping into a bowl of sour cream?

No, that’s one food item I don’t usually look too fondly upon.

 

192. Is vaseline icky?

No. My only real Vaseline story involves Scott in the dorms. I guess

that was icky.

 

193. Is Harry Potter growing up to be a weird bastard?

He can never live a normal life.

 

194. Would you like to be in a marching band for one week a year?

Kinda. I do like to bust out the old trumpet every now and then.

 

195. If you saw a mannequin come to life what would you do?

Scream, run, and probably have nightmares about it forever.

 

196. Best movie title of a bad movie?

Dave Chappelle’s Block Party. I thought it would be like the show,

only bigger and better. Boy was I wrong. Worst movie I’ve ever paid to

see by a very long ways, and that includes Festival Express.

 

197. When is mowing a lawn fun?

When it’s hot, you’re getting a good tan, you’re mowing a wide open

space ,and someone is paying you lots.

 

198. If you could create your own fad diet what would it be?

Eating Chinese buffets over lunch with orange juice, and that’s your

only meal of the day until 8pm when you’re allowed to have a healthy

snack.

 

199. If I Could only fight with my elbow and you with your knee who

would win?

Probably me with the knee. One swift knee to the groin and the fight

would be over.

 

 

200. Would you rather have an itchy eye for 24 hours or an itchy ass

for two?

Itchy ass for two. Itchy eyes are way worse to tend to.

 

201. Reading is kind of awesome or kind of poopy oopy doopy?

 

I love reading things like newspapers and box scores and most

anything online. But these days, picking up a book and reading it just

doesn’t interest me much unless I’m traveling.

 

202. How come you never hear anything about east philadelphia?

 

I don’t know. I don’t think we’d have heard anything about west

Philadelphia either if not for Will Smith.

 

203. Would you like to snot vanilla pudding instead of mucus?

 

I’d sign up for that! Then I could eat it.

 

204. Jeff has been suggesting wildly vulgar questions would you like

to answer one?

 

I never thought you’d ask!

 

205. Ok here it is, “My dick or your ass”?

 

Yours or Jeff’s? Either way, my ass.

 

206. Wow me and Jeff laughed really hard at that did you?

 

I chuckled, but I’ve heard you guys say much more vulgar things

before.

 

207. Do you think it is strange that Parkway celebrates the pop tart

birth but can’t fix a laundry card machine?

 

This is the most relevant question you’ve asked so far. What the hell

is their deal? That really is vexing why they can’t get someone to come

out and fix it. And who celebrates the Pop Tart anyway! Get your

priorities straight, people.

 

208. What is your favorite kind of pop tart?

 

Frosted cherry. In fact, it’s the only kind I would consider

purchasing.

 

209. Jeff wants to know if you have drank any of his coors lights?

 

What? If there were any Coors Lights at our house, they’ve been gone

for weeks.

 

210. Iggy Pop or Scooby Doo?

 

I just watched Scooby Doo the other day. It was a modern episode with

half the gang on vacation and Shaggy and Scooby somehow on a plane to

the Himalayas.

 

211. Man I am definetly holding back on asking some gross questions

do you think we should go uncensored on this bitch?

 

We’ve got 800 more questions to go. Eventually they’ll have to get a

little grotesque.

 

212. Do you laugh when someone imitates a mentally handicapped

person?

 

There is a time and place to make fun of everyone. If it’s done

tastefully, or if it’s just really spot-on, then I’ll laugh.

 

213. Riddle me this riddle me that who is afraid of the big eskimo?

 

Cooney was saying the other day how scared he was of a large Alaskan.

Maybe that’s what he was referring to.

 

214. Do you think i will ever stop typing by looking at the keys?

 

I used to ask myself that very question, but once online chatting

came along it became increasingly easier to get past looking.

 

215. Laffy Taffy just called and would like a wrapper joke what will

it be?

 

What do you call a bear who wears pajamas? Tired!

 

216. When was the last time you ate a lima bean?

 

I don’t recall. They are weird beans, though, aren’t they? Kinda

tough but mushy all at once.

 

217. Have you ever tried biting a taco without turning your head?

 

Yes. I just go straight in every time.

 

218. Would you wear a bracelet of baby’s teeth for two months for

$327 dollars?

 

Yes, I would do it for $310, actually. Is the baby dead?

 

219. How many pairs of headphones have you gone through in your life?

 

At least six. I go through them like they’re $200 a dozen.

 

220. What qualifies a food to be deviled?

 

Does it have to go through some sort of crucifix oven?

 

221. Do you work better in poor weather?

 

No. I like poor weather, so I’m distracted from work. The rainier or

snowier, the more I’ll be watching out the windows. Give me a boring

sunny day if you want to see me earn my paycheck.

 

222. You just ran out of gas on a moped you stole what do you do?

 

Abandon it and steal another that has gas.

 

223. Who was the last person to give you a gold star?

 

The state of Minnesota for my safe driving.

 

224. What made up character deserves a movie?

 

The Michelin Man.

 

225. Would you like to dig your own grave?

 

I might like it. I would make it shallow so in case I came back to

life I could get out more easily.

 

226. Can you name a jazz pianist without looking it up?

 

Is Lori Line jazz?

 

227. What is your favorite band from the 50’s?

 

Buddy Holly

 

228. 60’s

 

Temptations

 

229.70’s

 

Meat Loaf

 

230. 80’s

 

Bon Jovi

 

231. 90’s

 

Weezer

 

232. What is your favorite current band?

 

Smashing Pumpkins

 

233. When was the last time campbell’s was whats for dinner?

 

A long time. I don’t often make soup, least not for dinner. Maybe two

years ago?

 

234. What animal would you most like to shoot?

 

A large screeching freakish bird like an ostrich.

 

235. Do you think you would have been one of the survivors on the

titanic?

 

No, when the ship started sinking I would have panicked and hid under

my bed, just like the time I ran upstairs when the house started on

fire.

 

236. Would you be interested in competing in a hot sauce chugging

competition?

 

I wouldn’t, but there’s a good chance I could place well in it if I

did.

 

237. What do you think your mid life crisis will be like?

 

I will really miss the days of us carelessly sitting around getting

drunk with nothing but a pointless Tuesday shift at Valleyfair to worry

about. I will probably quit my job and go back to VF as a game op.

 

238. How come I never see you eat cottage cheese?

 

Just the look and texture of it is enough to turn me off.

 

239. Have you ever been in a cottage?

 

No but I’ve been to Cottage Grove! Zing!

 

240. Would you enjoy spending a month in Iran?

 

That all depends. Am I being shot at?

 

241. If you went to prison would you get a prison tat?

 

If I went to prison for something badass, yes. If I went because of

tax fraud or something lame, no.

 

242. How many paper plates do you buy in a year?

 

I’ve been working on the same pack for over a year.

 

243. If given a crushed velvet suit would you wear it on a day that

wasn’t halloween?

 

I’d put it on for a low-key night of drinking at the apartment with

the gang.

 

244. Do you think if you were crazy rich you would want to hunt a

human?

 

Only if the human hunted wanted to be hunted. Maybe that’s where

suicidal people should go. Go out with some dignity anyway and let

someone hunt you for game.

 

245. What word do you use the most?

 

Probably “I.” I talk about myself a lot.

 

246. What would be your idea for a mentos commercial?

 

A caged death match between the cheerful Mentos actors and cheerful

Ovaltine actors.

 

247. What is the dumbest animal?

 

In my experience with sheep, I find them appallingly dumb.

 

248. What is the longest you have owned a pair of socks?

 

I think there are still maybe a pair or two of socks left in my

rotation from high school.

 

249. What paper would you most like to be a columnist for?

 

One in New York, because you can report complete BS and then retract

it the next day and make something else up.

 

250. If your job was actually to pack fudge, what would you tell

people you do?

 

I’d say I work at Microboards as a marketing assistant. Because

that’s what I would tell people if I really packed fudge.

 

251. If you had to talk to a priest for one hour what would be the

main topic of conversation?

 

Probably the Twins or Seinfeld. He’s gonna talk about what I wanna

talk about, or we don’t talk at all!

 

252. How fast can you wiggle your toes?

 

Not as fast as I imagined when you had initially asked that question.

 

253. What do you think of when I say butter crumbled eggs?

 

They sound tasty because from what I can tell cheese is not an

ingredient.

 

254. Did you ever have aspirations to be a baker?

 

No, not really. I would like to be good friends with one though, so

as to acquire cheap or free bread products.

 

255. Would you rather disect a cat or a frog?

 

I have dissected a frog and did well on that assignment. I made a

joke to the teacher about dissecting cats and he said when he was in

high school, they really did dissect cats. His teacher went out and got

all the stray cats of the town and killed them and brought them to

class. I guess in 1957 that was acceptable??

 

256. Would it be a must for a house you buy to have a fire place?

 

Absolutely not. It might look cool, but how often would I really use

it? It would be nice around Christmas or for romancing Lauren though.

 

257. Have you ever sauntered?

 

I’m not entirely sure I know the definition of saunter. Does that

make me stupid?

 

258. What is your favorite month based on just the name?

 

You know, when it comes right down to it, each month has kinda a cool

name. I think July is the most intriguing though.

 

259. What kind of exotic meat would you be interested in trying?

 

If you cooked me up a good juicy yak burger I would probably have a

bite.

 

260. If you were dropped in the middle of a rainforest what would be

your first move?

 

Recover from the injuries sustained from being dropped, then start

looking for a friendly wise animal like Babu to guide me.

 

261. Would you take a 5 dollar a day pay decrease if you got to break

panes of glass for one hour at work?

 

No, I need every last penny. And I’d get hot and sweaty shattering

glass.

 

262. How much would you pay OJ Simpson to appear at a party?

 

If it was for real, and OJ was standing outside, I could offer $200.

If we pooled in money together, $1000 might cut it.

 

263. Have you ever freshly squeezed a glass of orange juice?

 

Yeah and trust me it just doesn’t work like you’d expect.

 

264. Do you say tit or tat more often in a year?

 

I say tit more often because I talk about titmice so often.

 

265. Have you ever woken up to a rooster?

 

I don’t think so. We didn’t have poultry on the farm.

 

266. Will you be watching the new version of the american gladiators?

 

I imagine if I stumble upon it I will watch for a few minutes, but

that doesn’t really interest me very much.

 

267. Have you ever hugged a tree?

 

You know, I did once. But then I found out it was just Jeff in a tree

costume.

 

268. Would you like to try heroin?

 

No. I think my days of experimenting with illegal drugs are well

ahead of me.

 

269. Which toe would be the first to go if forced?

 

People always say the pinky toe in response to this very question,

but why not the fourth toe? What the hell does it do that’s so special?

 

270. Do you think Shakespeare was a real person?

 

Bill Shakespeare must have been because there are books by him.

 

271. Would you rather have a kegerator or a soda fountain?

 

Probably soda fountain. A kegerator is fine if you have a keg to keep

cold.

 

272. Would you know how to design a gumball machine?

 

You know very well that we went through the blue prints on more than

one occasion.

 

273. Do you like clouds?

 

I think clouds are a good way of blocking the sun.

 

274. Have you ever got gum stuck in your hair?

 

Yes but not lately. Getting gum in my facial hair is much more

common.

 

275. Hey if I dress in drag to my high school ten year reunion, will

you?

 

Will I wear that to my ten-year reunion or yours?

 

276. What would you rename ping pong?

 

Sippy nipple poople doopus.

 

277. Have you ever written a love letter on paper?

 

Yes, and it was later discovered by Jordan years later and I was made

fun of to no end.

 

278. What was the last thing you microwaved?

 

I heated up some mashed potatoes and a tandoori chicken breast last

night.

 

279. How much weight would you be willing to gain for an acting role?

 

I could go as high as 325, but I would want a trainer with me to make

sure I didn’t die.

 

280. How much weight would you be willing to lose for an acting role?

 

I could slim down to 235, but I would again want to be under the

direct supervision of someone who knew what the hell he was doing.

 

281. Which day of the week tends to be most hectic for you?

 

Probably Wednesday, with our weekly lunch and then basketball at

night.

 

282. Would you rather be a cartoon character voice or a male

prostitute?

 

Part of me says male prostitute, but I don’t know how well that would

go over with my family. Probably just do the voice.

 

283. If you heard voices would you do what they told you to?

 

Probably. Ignoring those voices will make you crazy.

 

284. What dead athlete would you most like to spend the day with?

 

Mordecai “Three Fingers” Brown or Kirby Puckett

 

285. What would you like it to say on your tombstone?

 

Visit RyanGlanzer.com for more information on Ryan Glanzer’s life.

 

286. When was the last time you bought salt?

 

I don’t know that I have. I rarely use salt. I get my week’s supply

of sodium with one dish of Ramen.

 

287. What do you think Jonathan Taylor Thomas is doing right now?

 

Probably regretting he left Home Improvement and not getting to know

Chevy Chase better when they did Man of the House together.

 

288. If you had to have a new first name what would it be?

 

How about something bizarre like George or Zapper.

 

289. If you had to have a new last name what would it be?

 

McFly.

 

290. Which holiday’s candies do you enjoy most?

 

Those crispy peanut butter balls dipped in chocolate. Mmm.

 

291. How much would you pay to see Michael Richard’s stand up?

 

$25. I would go support him. So he made one little mistake. I don’t

think he’s a racist.

 

292. What would your catch phrase be?

 

Good afternoon! I tried to start that before and I will keep it

alive.

 

293. Do you think paper mache is gross?

 

No. I think people who are illiterate think so, though.

 

294. Which nut is bigger peanut or walnut?

 

Probably Jeff in a peanut costume.

 

295. Does it look good to wear clothes that are too small?

 

Only if you have the muffin top to show them off.

 

296. What was your last regret?

 

Eating at the Chinese buffet over lunch. It was just too effing much.

But you know how it is. How it looks so good at the time and then how

shitty you feel afterwards.

 

297. Would you travel back in time if it meant you might lose the use

of one of your arms?

 

As long as I would get the use of my arm back in the present day,

sure. If not, it would still be worth it.

 

298. Dude have you ever bought 20 fudge bars?

 

Yes but it turned out they were really poop bars.

 

299. How much to spray air freshner directly in your mouth?

 

$50. I imagine I’d throw up or at least be sick. A 50-spot would

cover the damages.

 

300. Would you give up your bathroom for a fireplace?

 

No, I like toilets better than fireplaces. And showers are much

nicer. If it were a steam room instead of fireplace, then yes.

 

301. How much to watch Jeff give Nick a sponge bath?

 

I’ll watch for free as long as no new cancerous moles are exposed. It

would be too funny. I picture Nick in a wooden bucket with his legs

sticking out over the edges. Do you?

 

302. Five dogs or five cats sleeping on you?

 

I’d sleep better with the cats on me. Wait, am I sleeping too?

 

303. Have you ever shat in a bag?

 

Yes. I doubt you want me to go into details though.

 

304. What track on a cd is usually best?

 

3 or 4. If you think about it, it’s a lot like a batting lineup. Put

the speedy song on first, but it will rarely deliver the power you

expect of a #1 hit. #2 should just be a good transition into #3, which

will knock your socks off. And if it doesn’t, #4 will hit a home run and

make up for the rest.

 

305. What would your Indian name be?

 

CC Sabathia

 

306. How much would you say your disposable income is?

 

Zero, but that won’t stop me from disposing of it.

 

307. A third eye or a second nose?

 

A third eye, but put it on the back of my head.

 

308. What was the last rumor you spread?

 

That Nick flipped out and cried when I suggested moving.

 

309. Jeff wants to know if I want a fudge bar, do I?

 

Yes you do, god dammit! You don’t turn down freebies. Just don’t let

it drip on the interview. You know how hard that would be to clean off?

 

310. What magazine subscription would you like?

 

Taboo

 

311. How much do you know about Australian football?

 

Not a lot, but former Chargers/Vikings punter Darren Bennett played

Aussie football and made a nice transition to American.

 

312. Have you ever bled from your eyes?

 

No, but my sister from Guatemala can make her own eyes bleed and then

everyone around her dies. That’s what I would be saying if I were that

girl’s brother on Heroes.

 

313. If there was one thing you wish you did not have to do every day

what would it be?

 

I would like it if I didn’t have to drive everywhere all the time. It

would be nice if everything was in convenient walking distance. I would

save a lot of money on gas.

 

314. What are your thoughts on adam and eve?

 

My gut feeling says they were real, but the stories can’t be anywhere

close to factual after all these years.

 

315. When was the last time you put your underwear on backwards?

 

Not that terribly long ago. I thought the frontal entry panel would

work the same in the back. It doesn’t.

 

316. What is your favorite river?

 

I used to be pretty fond of the Missouri River since we went out

there on fishing trips every so often between 1996 and 1999.

 

317. What would you most like to do in the country of China?

 

Eat at an American buffet with stereotypical American employees.

 

318. If you ran a television channel how much air time could I have?

 

I’d give you the whole graveyard shift—11pm to 4:30am. And you could

have a primetime slot on Saturday nights from 7:30-8.

 

319. Who is your favorite sailor?

 

By sailor, I assume you mean tailor, in which case I would say Motel

Kamzoil from Fiddler on the Roof.

 

320. What is one thing you are absolutely certain of?

 

That the lead singer of Bon Jovi is Jon Bon Jovi. That, and I am good

at typing.

 

321. What is the first thing that pops in your head when I say the

word foresaken?

 

A lyric to a Meat Loaf song, for some reason.

 

322. What would you rename the salvation army?

 

Ryan Glanzer Presents: Money for the Poor Program

 

323. Would you like to experience a seaweed wrap?

 

Yes, I would. Please arrange this.

 

324. Have you ever thought you moved something with your mind?

 

Yes. I once woke up in the middle of the night, sometime around 1995,

and there was this baseball setting on a shelf. It had been there for

months without moving, yet the very moment I woke up and opened my eyes,

it rolled off the shelf. Clearly either my room was haunted, which seems

likely, or I moved that baseball by looking at it.

 

325. If you dropped a coffin would you try to blame it on someone

else?

 

No, if I dropped a coffin, I would purposely fall down and pretend

like I was badly injured, if I wasn’t already injured.

 

326. When was the last time you spun around to make yourself dizzy?

 

It’s been a while. I can achieve that same sensation with a big dip

of Grizzly I’d bet.

 

327. What would you say is the most common word you say in your

sleep?

 

Don’t, or no.

 

328. How are you going to save the planet?

 

I make a conscious effort to not waste water.

 

329. What other theme park ride should have a movie franchise?

 

SuperCat from Valleyfair. “Do you want to go fast?” “Yeeeaaahhh!” “Or

do you want to go SUPER fast?” “Yeaaahhh!!” Then they just crank the

siren up but the ride doesn’t actually go any faster. There’s a trilogy

right there.

 

330. What poundage of bowling ball do you usually use?

 

15 suits me well. But now that I’ve switched to a curve, 14 is more

appropriate.

 

331. Who do you think coined the term making love?

 

I’ve heard rumors that it was Kent Tekulve, the closer for the 1979

Pirates. But it was probably an R&B singer like Barry White.

 

332. How often do you smile when you are angry?

 

More often that you’d think. You always see NBA players who are irate

they’ve been called for a foul and have a huge smile on their faces, as

they’re in disbelief.

 

333. If there was a civil war between the east and the west which

side would you join?

 

The west needs us. Minnesota may be on the east side of the nation’s

center line, but the east’s population is far superior.

 

334. How often is something as simple as black or white?

 

I had written a really racist joke as my original answer to that

question, but quickly realized it was in very poor taste, even for us.

I’ll tell it to you later if you want, but it can’t go on the site. That

made for a good example though, that it was as simple as black and

white. There was no gray area. I simply would get in trouble for posting

that.

 

335. What would be the one question you would like to ask Michael

Jackson?

 

Does it matter if you’re black or white?

 

336. Would you enjoy living in a sandcastle for one year?

 

No. I guarantee it would cave in within the first four hours.

 

337. Do you think there will be a cure for cancer in your lifetime?

 

Yes, but not without major side effects. Like maybe there’s a pill

you take and cancer goes away, but you lose your vision or something.

 

338. What will be the next clothing trend?

 

Hats being worn on places other than your head. Or pants as hats.

 

339. When was the last time you packed a lunch for work?

 

I don’t really pack lunches. I just bring some basic food items here

and leave them here for when I don’t feel like going out over break. I

have a loaf of bread, peanut butter, some soup, and Ramen on my shelf

for just such occasions.

 

340. Do you think you or I would handle passing a kidney stone

better?

 

Probably you. I tend to have a low tolerance for pain and make sure

everyone else is feeling my misery right along with me.

 

341. Have you ever listened to the song bombs over baghdad?

 

No but they were right huh?

 

342. Who killed the electric car?

 

The oil companies, obviously.

 

343. What color would you like to repaint your dining room?

 

I’m interested in painting rooms vibrant, yet bold, colors. Maybe a

very deep blue.

 

344. If you had to wear a crown what would you like it made out of?

 

I would like you to make it by hand using recycled wine bottles.

 

345. Do you plan on cutting your babies ambilicle cord?

 

I plan on letting someone who knows what the hell they’re doing cut

it.

 

346. What movie is next on your blockbuster que?

 

Well I just received Donnie Darko: Director’s Cut which I have yet to

watch. I have Games 6 and 7 of the 1986 World Series where the Mets beat

the Red Sox next in my cue, followed by The Jerk and Fools Rush In.

 

347. Have you ever two stepped?

 

Yes, at various dances over the years.

 

348. What was the most important thing you learned from third grade?

 

Josh Symens and I once got in big trouble for writing bad stories

about Brandon Hanson. Mrs. Waldow took us aside and chewed us out and on

my report card I even got a check mark for being inconsiderate of

others. This was a wake-up call and I made sure my evil stories remained

under wraps.

 

349. What is the thing you are most likely to get arrested for?

 

I guarantee it will be some minor traffic infraction that gets blown

way out of proportion because cops have nothing better to do than sit

along the side of the road and wait for someone to slip up. I really

hate police, by the way. They are supposed to be there to protect and

serve, but I’ve never had a cop do anything that helped me.

 

350. What will be the next big company to go bankrupt?

 

Sprint

 

351. Who intimidates the shit out of you?

 

Albert Haynesworth of the Tennessee Titans. If he got up in my face I

would back off and be down on my hands and knees begging for mercy.

 

352. Would you like Travis Bolton to give you a foot massage?

 

I would love it if Travis would get down and give me a foot rub, but

I think he can be more useful playing me a pleasant melody on his

guitar.

 

353. Does long division matter?

 

I’ve found it to matter a time or two. Nothing earth-shattering, and

no life-or-death kinda effects, but it’s not completely useless.

 

354. What is the longest distance you have walked backwards?

 

I think I walked backwards around the Willow Lake basketball court a

few times in like second grade for PE.

 

355. What is your favorite quote from anchorman?

 

I like the parts where they acknowledge how ridiculous the movie is,

like after the big brawl where Brick kills a man with a trident, Ron

says “Wow, that really got out of hand very quickly! Brick killed a guy!

You should probably lay low for a while. Stay with a relative, find a

safe house.”

 

356. How many sodas have you drank in one day?

 

I have no idea, but I bet the record is around twelve cans. I love

soda and can drink lots, but as I again found out at my recent trip to

the dentist, it is not great for my teeth.

 

357. Do you like soy milk?

 

I have to support the soy farmers, like Dick Glanzer. But I have

never tried soy milk.

 

358. Do you like egg nog?

 

I actually just tried it for the first ever time this Christmas at

home and was pleasantly surprised. I don’t know how but I had never had

the opportunity to try it before.

 

359. Would you like a panic button?

 

Yes, because when I am panicky everyone else should be aware of it.

 

360. Can you define rumpusing?

 

I thought about looking it up online, but that’s another twenty

seconds.

 

361. Wouldn’t it be funny if someone started living in your old house

without your parents knowing it?

 

I think it would be funny, but I’m sure they’d get the old heave-ho

pretty quickly. I think it would be tough for the person to get in

unnoticed with our loud barking dogs around.

 

362. What would be your anger level if I moved a homeless man in the

dark of night into your parent’s old house?

 

I wouldn’t care. In fact, I think it would be funny if you drove five

hours with a homeless man to Carpenter. But if my parents got stuck

taking care of him then things would get awkward.

 

363. What is your idea of a good time?

 

Any combination of beer, baseball, good friends, Seinfeld, Chinese

food, and karaoke is a good time. Throw in a cameo appearance by Rondell

White and you’ve got a great time.

 

364. What is your favorite spaceship?

 

The one on the cover of the self-titled Boston album.

 

365. Don’t you hate it when you drink something and you think it is

going to be one thing but then it is something else?

 

I do that on occasion when I fill up a used bottle with water and

then I take a drink and think how flavorless it is. It sucks worse than

anything else in the world.

 

366. What is your favorite Harvey Keitel movie?

 

Again gotta say Pulp Fiction. Unless he was in the background of

Dazed and Confused, which I know he wasn’t.

 

367. Do you think you have good rhythm?

 

I do, actually. I don’t think I’m good enough to be a drummer, but

after playing in band from 1992 to 2005, I developed a pretty good sense

of rhythm. I love triplets. Those are the best.

 

368. Do you like Minneapolis or St Paul more?

 

I’m much more familiar with Minneapolis, but I think it would be

really cool to live in St. Paul. If a situation comes up where I can do

the St. Paul scene a little more often, I wouldn’t be opposed.

 

369. Are you planning on repenting on your death bed?

 

I don’t think I’ll have that option. It will be too sudden.

 

370. What is your favorite kind of wine?

 

I used to go for the blushes, but Lauren has played a large role in

getting me more into the red wines. A good shiraz or cabarnet sauvignon

are probably at the top of my list right now. Specifically, the Fat

Bastard wine I bought for games night was really good.

 

371. Want to wrestle me in the moonlight?

 

Are you serious? Yes, we should!

 

372. Did you think I was serious?

 

Dammit, yes I did.

 

373. What side does your nose fall on when you kiss Jeff?

 

Jeff tells me he likes our noses to smush together dead-on, but it

almost always ends up on the left.

 

374. Would you want to be a part of the biggest snow storm ever?

 

Yes, but only if I was already safe and secure inside a house filled

with enough food and booze to last a while.

 

375. What is your favorite starburst color?

 

Without question the red ones. And oddly enough, most people dislike

the reds most and give them to me.

 

376. Would you rather be employed with fed ex or ups?

 

FedEx because they are an official sponsor of the NFL. And I deal

with them every day. Plus UPS employees have to wear brown uniforms.

 

377. How much money would you have invested in the movie Zodiac if it

involved actually finding the killer?

 

I don’t know that I would have invested money in it at all. I would

have needed (and still do need) a lot of background on the whole story.

I don’t know much about it.

 

378. Which is more important safety or comfort?

 

If we’re talking about a car or other mode of transportation,

probably safety. Anything else, comfort.

 

379. What would you consider a happy aroma?

 

The smell of chlorine blended with some barbecuing on the grill. That

means pools and summer and people are generally happy.

 

380. How many days in a row could you consume marmalade before

getting sick of it?

 

I could probably do it for several weeks on my own. However, if

someone handed me some marmalade every day as I walked into the office,

that would be a different story.

 

381. If all parrots were pink what would change in the world?

 

Flamingos suddenly wouldn’t be the talk of the town.

 

382. How many credit cards do you have?

 

I have Discover, MasterCard, and the Wells Fargo Visa card. Probably

too many.

 

383. What is a June bridge?

 

A card game played with pegs and sticks.

 

384. How much would you pay for a service annually that gave you a

baked potato anytime?

 

$15. But would they deliver it on the spot wherever I was? If that

was the case I’d be willing to spend more.

 

385. What are your plans for birth control in Russia in 14 words?

 

Russian birth control should be administered by American Nick

Sandbulte to control the population.

 

386. What website needs to be deleted from the internet?

 

Willow Lake School’s pitiful website that hasn’t been updated in two

years.

 

387. Should everyone be required to carry around a lighter?

 

Yes, that way smokers will stop asking strangers for a light.

 

388. Who was the last person you could barely look at?

 

Chris Ahrendt and I never seem to look at each other when having a

conversation. I am not big on eye contact and neither is Chris. I

visited with him over Christmas break, but I didn’t see much of him.

 

389. If someone accidentally shot you but you recovered almost

immediately what would you do to that person?

 

Have them wait on me hand and foot for several weeks.

 

390. If you had to figure out the last thing Nick ate without talking

to him what would you do?

 

Look on the counter. Nick isn’t very good at throwing away the boxes

or packages that his food comes in. I bet 86% of the time I could tell

you what he last ate.

 

391. Mark Summers wants to form a two man dog sled team, how much

time are you willing to commit to the project?

 

I’m more than willing as long as he agrees to pay for my rent and

bills while I’m away with him.

 

392. How much would you pay for a paper mache?

 

Nothing. It would get destroyed in my car before I got home.

 

393. Tell me why King of the Hill is socially significant in 10

words?

 

Proof that FOX judges its shows solely by their first seasons.

 

394. If you were forced to live with a films cast for 1 year which

film would it be?

 

Off the top of my head, I will say Royal Tenenbaums. Bill Murray and

I would have some good times.

 

395. What was the last thing you primped?

Primped… I am searching for the meaning of that word and drawing a

blank, so I will just say your mom.

 

396. What is the ideal price for a hotdog and soda?

 

It should be like the good old days where they were a nickel apiece.

But I could go as high as $1.50 for the two.

 

397. What was the worst thing you invested more than one hundred

dollars in?

 

Renter’s insurance for the apartment. In the unlikely event that Nick

or I burn the apartment down, we won’t owe millions.

 

398. If you had to read a medical text boook, how much would you

retain?

 

Maybe the names of the doctors. I would not do well at retaining that

kinda stuff. I need real-life holding-the-knife experiences in order for

retention.

 

399. What animal has the prettiest semen?

 

Wow, we’re gonna go there? I’d have to say humans, with broncos in a

close second.

 

400. If it was up to you what song would every band have to cover?

 

I think a good staple which has already been covered a dozen times is

“Cruel to Be Kind.” Or let’s see who could come up with the funkiest

version of “Is She Really Going Out with Him.”

 

401. How much money would have to be involved for you to be in a

horse staring contest?

 

It would have to be more than I would earn in a day of work, because

I wouldn’t use up my weekend to stare at a horse.

 

402. How many kids would you have to have before you were comfortable

letting a stranger giving them a sex talk?

 

That’s very difficult to answer as I have no kids, but I’d say four.

 

403. Does your back hurt right now?

 

Very little. There is a minor pain that I only noticed when you

mentioned it.

 

404. Alright come up with an April fools joke for me right now,

write it here and I promise to go through with it.

 

Pretend to faint at Caribou and go home early from dizziness. Report

to me when you get home.

 

405. Do you think I will remember above april fool plan?

 

No, but if you do I really hope you go through with it.

 

406. If you realized hell was watching The Sandlot, Little Big

League, and Angels in the Outfield over and over would you change your

life?

 

I currently thought hell involved fire and brimstone and I wasn’t

going to change anything, so no.

 

407. If god told you before entering heaven that you could relive any

part of your life with all the knowledge you had when you died, how long

do you think that would take?

 

How long would it take for me to decide, or how long would I be on

earth reliving that moment? I would milk it for a few days I think.

 

408. When a cedar tree is cut down in Wyoming how many people do you

think give a shit?

 

Just the lumberjacks and the person the tree fell on, if applicable.

 

409. Have you trained in Vain?

 

Yes, but it never got me anything but pain.

 

410. If you were directing Harball 2 would you have the kids win the

big game?

 

I am not familiar with this movie, but no. Let’s hold out for a third

one.

 

411. If everyone were requred to insult 5 people in a day do you

think people would become immune to insults?

 

I can be insulted fifty times a day and I’ll never be comfortable

with it.

 

412. When can we start making jokes about Chinese abortions?

 

How about now? What do you call a Chinese abortionist? A wealthy son

of a bitch.

 

413. How is your ebay feedback looking these days?

 

I’ve had like 60 transactions ever and I only twice received

something other than positive.

 

414. How long would it take you to drinking tap water if it was

naturally red?

 

I might pretend like it was blood and to make my life more

horrifying.

 

415. How suprised would you be to learn the movie Annie was a product

of your imagination?

 

I would instantly go write the script from what I could remember and

cash in on it.

 

416. Would you give Will Smith some clean urine no questions asked?

 

No, I would do it but ask plenty of questions, like why is he asking

me of all people for urine?

 

417. How much can you usually gather about the world in general from

the weather report?

 

Very little. I don’t think weather tells us a lot about what’s going

on in the world unless it’s a hurricane, blizzard, or typhoon.

 

418. Why is it ok for peanut oil to go unregulated by you and Scottie

Pippen?

 

Wow, we both mentioned Scottie Pippen at least once in our questions.

He just has one of those names that sticks out. Scottie and I have said

for years we just don’t see the need to go regulating peanut oil or

other legume oils, for that mattter. The industry is too strong right

now.

 

419. What famous persons wardrobe would most suit you?

 

Well it would have to be someone tall and broad. Maybe someone like

NBA forward Austin Croshere, or perhaps even CC Sabathia.

 

420. How many breathmints would I have to consume before becoming

concerned for my well being?

 

I don’t know that there’s anything powerful enough in a breath mint

for you to get worried about. Anything over 500 might be

health-concerning though.

 

421. I am sorry I did not make the 420 question about weed what would

you like me to do to make up for it?

 

I want you to get really, really profusely drunk and go to Perkins

with Nick and make a big scene and get you both kicked out.

 

422. Without looking it up how much of the song my block do you know?

 

I know absolutely none, sir!

 

423. What is your favorite line from the Jerk?

 

I haven’t seen most of that movie, but I intend to do so soon. The

part that sticks out in my mind is the crazed man shooting at him and he

thinks the paint cans are exploding.

 

424. If something had to be permanetly stuffed in you right ear what

would it be?

 

A hearing aid or ear plug… probably hearing aid.

 

425. What would be a marketable new kind of chocolate covered

something?

 

Chocolate-covered bread is going to be the new wave of the future for

the next generation’s even-fatter kids.

 

426. How much to spend a month in sex world by yourself?

 

Wow. Umm, a month’s salary at Microboards would about cover it.

 

427. What was the last thought you had while ironing?

 

I wish Patrick was here to show me the error of my ways.

 

428. What is the most over rated term of endearment?

 

That’s funny, cause literally ten minutes ago I looked up “terms of

endearment” on Wikipedia. Probably “baby” or “sugar” get tossed around a

lot, but if girls respond well, stick with it.

 

429. How much would it cramp your style to buy a box of cereal a day?

 

It would cramp it a lot. I don’t even like cereal, and I don’t have

the patience to go to the grocery store every day.

 

430. Would you be a drug mule for one trip if it saved a strangers

life?

 

A stranger? No. I would be okay with seeing the stranger getting

what’s coming to him.

 

431. Do you find the image of pooh bear as disturbing as i do?

 

I never thought of it that way, but if Pooh was covered in his own

poo and it had to be clipped out of his hair like a dog, then that would

be a little disturbing.

 

432. Tomorrow morning say cack a doodle doo to the first person you

see at microboards and please put the results here?

 

I said it to Andy Broderick just now as he walked by but I’m not sure

if he knew I was talking to him.

 

433. What would be your idea for a new movie starring rainbow

randolph?

 

I would team him up with Zach Braff and Dennis Quaid in a shoot-em-up

western

 

434. Do you like morning or night rains more?

 

Few things put me in better moods to start a day than a wicked

thunder storm. I love rain of all sorts at all times, though, and would

be happy if it rained five days a week.

 

435. Will you please type a sentence that will offend most of the

readers of your web site?

 

Sure, why not. The events of Darfur are more comedic than tragic.

 

436. What are the chance you will be all the thing you want to be?

 

I want to be a Twins player and that ain’t happening. So zero.

 

437. What was the last first name you laughed at?

 

There was a foreign guy who called Microboards the other day named

Milky.

 

438. What was the last last name you laughed at?

 

Maybe it wasn’t the last one, but there was an episode of Judge Judy

once where the defendant’s last name was Tittisworth. “Mrs. Tittisworth,

keep your voice down in my court room!!!!”

 

439. How long before you got bored with the profession middle name

giver?

 

I don’t know that it would ever get boring. I am really great at

coming up with fake names. By the way, your middle name, had I been in

charge, would have been Pinnochio.

 

440. I am convinced people come into Caribou and read just to look

cool and hope to meet a mate does that make me a bad person?

 

Yes, it does, but do people ever find a mate at Caribou?

 

441. How refreshing do you find Simon Cowells’s honesty?

 

His honesty is so over-the-top that he’s almost dishonest. He speaks

the truth, but then goes overboard with how good or bad someone is.

 

442. How many jelly beans do you think you could give out to homeless

people while maintaing a straight face?

 

Zero. I can’t keep a straight face talking about doing it.

 

443. If we planned an evening where we revealed the results of these

interviews live before they went on the site how many people would come?

 

Oh yeah. I bet we could easily get six or seven people together.

That’s not the worst idea I’ve ever heard.

 

444. How socially important do you think John Lennon would be if

still alive?

 

He would be important, but no more so than his other fellow living

Beatles.

 

445. If an intervention took place for you would you be at all

flattered?

 

It would be annoying considering I don’t have a problem, but it would

be nice to know so many people cared.

 

446. How suprised would you be to discover your childhood was the

inspiration for a series of children’s books written by a stranger?

 

I’d be very surprised but would love to read the books. At one time I

think Mom was writing a series of children’s books based on me and my

grandma, but they never materialized.

 

447. Would college have been more enjoyable if you would have been in

a secret society?

 

Now that you mention it, yes. Madison was a boring town for the most

part. But then again, the drama club and it’s handful of members

practically qualified as a secret society.

 

448. How should Drew barrymore be remembered when she passes away?

 

For her infectious smile and Fever Pitch.

 

449. Have you ever tried coffee yogurt?

 

No but Lauren is sitting right here and claims she has.

 

450. In your opinion you just wrote the great american novel, would

you be pissed if it were not offered in hardback first?

 

I’d question it but then I’d just enjoy the soft covers.

 

451. If you were planning a road trip for 7 hours by yourself what 4

new cd’s would you buy?

 

That’s easy. I’d get the Juno sountrack, “In Rainbows” by Radiohead

so I could see what all the fuss about Radiohead is about, “50 Number

Ones” by George Strait, and “Zeitgeist” by Smashing Pumpkins because I

don’t own that one yet.

 

452. What would be your reaction to everybody in the world knowing

your social security number by heart?

 

Amazement, especially with the elderly who can’t even remember where

they are, and infants who don’t even know numbers.

 

453. What song would you defend to the death?

 

Nobody better ever dis “For Crying Out Loud” by Meat Loaf.

 

454. Would your strategy to get the right amount of sugar from a

neighbor for a cake involve a casual joke?

 

It would involve a very casual, obvious remark where we would both

laugh wildly about nothing in particular. “Sure is cold out there! Boy I

think I’ll just stay inside the rest of the day, ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!”

 

455. Is a trouble free wedding good for a lifelong relationship?

 

Doesn’t matter. It’s how you’d handle the troubles that could arise

at a wedding.

 

456. If Nick were making meth in his room would you ask him to stop?

 

No, I’d rat him out.

 

457. When and if the twins make the world series how much would you

be willing to pay to watch game 7 on tv?

 

On TV? Hopefully I’d be able to do that for free, but if something

was prohibiting me from seeing it, I’m sure I’d offer up every last

penny I have to my name.

 

458. When and if the twins make the world series how much would you

be willing to pay to watch the game in the stadium?

 

I would be there for sure. I’m guessing the highest ticket price

would be several hundred dollars, which I would go into hock for.

 

459. Who would you most like to see the Twins beat in the world

series?

 

I think the Mets or Giants would be my favorite opponents to see the

Twins beat. The Mets because I dislike them, the Giants because I do

like them.

 

460. Did Keri Strug get too much attention?

 

She had a courageous moment in front of a global audience. I think

she got the appropriate amount of attention given the situation.

 

461. If security for Metrodome sporting events was handled by the

Hell’s Angels, would you go to fewer twins games?

 

I know my amount of games attended would never decrease because of

security. I think fans at the Metrodome are good enough people that they

would never need to go to such measures.

 

462. Do you have any angry letters planned for the immediate future?

 

No, but I did intend to write a negative review on the Parkway Apts.

after I moved out.

 

463. Would you care if all tigers were timid?

 

No, but then maybe the Detroit Tigers would think about changing

their name to something more ferocious.

 

464. Have you ever met a person named Milhouse?

 

Yes, but his name wasn’t Milhouse.

 

465. Would the world be an ok place if everybody did the bare minimum

to get by?

 

Yes, because for some people the bare minimum is a lot more than for

others. I think the world might be a better place because people

wouldn’t be so caught up in their careers.

 

466. What was the last part of your face to itch?

 

Probably my lips. I don’t think I can ever say my lips itch.

 

467. How much hesitation would you have before eating something

Patrick offered you blind folded?

 

I would be very hesitant. You know very well that I am very

particular about what foods go into my mouth.

 

468. What is a fair price for a fake ID?

 

Let’s face it. If you’re making a fake ID for someone, you stand to

get in a ton of trouble. A fake should cost no less than $150.

 

469. What percentage of the world’s babies are ugly?

 

10%. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a really ugly baby. They mostly

look alike right away, and most people consider babies cute and snuggly.

 

470. What was the last thing you were to busy to notice that a

stranger pointed out to you?

 

Probably when that prostitute you bought for me pointed out the blood

on my sheets.

 

471. If I just gave you the hand written second half of these

questions how annoyed would you be?

 

I like to type things, so I wouldn’t be that offended if I had to

type them out myself.

 

472. Would you be more or less comfortable banking at a facility

exclusively staffed with women in their fifties?

 

I’d be less comfortable. My ways are different than theirs. They may

not understand pop culture.

 

473. Who would you guess came up with the ctrl alt delete thing?

 

One of Bill Gates’ high-salary cronies probably did.

 

474. Would you think Aaron Pratt would be annoyed having to come up

with a marketing concept for my high tech garage sale business?

 

No, I bet he would do it immediately and spit out 210 words a minute

verbally and never bring it up again, if I’m honest. You’d get a pretty

good concept.

 

475. If all of Cuba suddenly became aware of your existence would you

find it necessary to visit?

 

Necessary, no. What if they were aware of my existence for a bad

reason?

 

476. If it required you to almost drown would you still want to

expeience the world’s best fish sandwich?

 

No, deep water and I don’t see eye to eye.

 

477. Has a girl ever unexpectedly taken your hand?

 

Yes, probably on several occasions. One that comes to mind is Rachel

Medrano’s friend Merle in the backseat of Colin’s car one hot summer

night.

 

478. Worldwide do you believe there are more treasures buried under

flowers or garbage?

 

Garbage. I bet lots of treasures are inside garbage bags.

 

479. Who is your favorite famous Ray?

 

Ray Fosse, that old catcher whose career came to an abrupt end in the

All-Star Game when Pete Rose trampled over him at home plate for the

winning run.

 

480. How many Lobsters would you be comfortable boiling in a day?

 

Boiling that first one would be the toughest. Once I got past that, I

could do several dozen.

 

481. Would it upset you if Puerto Rico were traded to Australia for

New Zealand?

 

No. New Zealand would be a great acquisition for our country. It’s

like when the Twins sent two unproven minor leaguers to the Marlins for

Luis Castillo that time.

 

482. What would be the first thing you would screw up as president?

 

My inauguration speech.

 

483. What is a fair price for a memberhip in a quilting club?

 

Does the club provide you with supplies and a place for quilting? If

so, $325 a year. If not, it should be free.

 

484. If you couldn’t get out of bed without a genuine smile on your

face, what would be the averafe bed departure time?

 

It sure as hell wouldn’t be my normal wake-up time of 6:50 or 7:10,

depending where I’m at. I could maybe swing a 8:25 smile.

 

485. I would like to start convincing the world’s youth that there is

a bed wetting monster, will you do your part?

 

I can certainly try. I think the creation of a new folklore might be

good for society.

 

486. What is one lie you are fairly convinced you could get away with

for one year?

 

If I told everyone I brushed my teeth four times a day, I think

people would buy it.

 

487. What would be the ideal thing to receive after donating blood?

 

I think a glass of red wine would be good for you. That coupled with

an ice cream Twix.

 

488. Would you let Michaek Richards share your bed for four nights

just for the story?

 

Absolutely. It ultimately would be a little weird sharing my bed with

another man, but the hilarious story would be well worth it.

 

489. Would you rather have to deal with one crock of shit or 37

crocks of butter being in your bathroom?

 

I would prefer the space, so one crock of shit. I wonder how that

phrase became so popular?

 

490. Would your hand shake while robbing someone at gunpoint?

 

My hand is pretty shaky regardless. Add some nervousness on top of

that and I wouldn’t be able to shoot them where I was aiming.

 

491. If you had to send out personalized golf balls to 100 people as

a christmas gift, what would they say?

 

I’m sure I’d just go with RyanGlanzer.com. But some profane golf

balls might be more appropriate.

 

492. If you received a case of Holland’s finest cheeses in the mail,

who would you first suspect sent them?

 

Someone who knows about my dislike for cheese. I might first suspect

you and Jeff, since you aren’t opposed to throwing a few bucks around as

part of a prank.

 

493. If Dane cook just went away would you be upset?

 

Yes! Who else would do TBS’s baseball playoff commercials?!

 

494. What is your ideal number in a layered salad?

 

I don’t like salads in general, unless it is made of fruits or

desserts. Probably two or three at most.

 

495. Is a calorie chart more appealing to you if presented in color?

 

I think it would have to be colorized for my viewing pleasures.

 

496. What are the chances you will ever hand make popurri?

 

Given my laziness, none.

 

497. When you wear a hoodie, what percentage of the time is the hood

on?

 

Only about 2% of the time, and even then it isn’t on because I’m

cold, but rather to make a silly fashion statement.

 

498. If the next Governor of Ohio were simply named Crimson king,

what problem would you deal with first as his agricultural right hand

man?

 

What crop comes to mind when you think Ohio? Iowa has corn. Nebraska

has wheat. Idaho has potatoes. North Carolina has tobacco. Ohio needs to

pick a crop that it can really call its own and run with it. I want to

hear a boy saying “This is a ripe Ohio muskmelon!”

 

499. Are you going to make sure your kids don’t have to suffer used

training wheels?

 

I won’t go to great lengths, but let’s be honest. Used training

wheels are already broken in and therefore may even be better than new

ones.

 

500. Has there been someone in your life you were really truly upset

didn’t like you?

 

Tough question. I think that has come up a time or two. Not so much

that they didn’t like me, but they liked someone else more or weren’t

impressed by me. But such an event is rare, given my warm personality.

 

501. Would you be mad if a therapist told you to stop believing in

god?

No, I would tell them they have a right to tell me that since I’m paying

them to tell me what to think.

502. What is your favorite cookie?

My favorite cookies of all-time are the Big Cookies

from Hardees. Those were so soft and chewy and delicious, and I bet you

agree with me on that.

 

503. What ring tone do you wish you had?

Some sort of Twins classic moment being announced by

Dan Gladden. “And here’s a little pop up. Guerrero is gonna get under

this one and watch it sail over the fence for a game-winning two-run

homer.”

 

504. What song do you like most out of a wind up music box?

“Honky Tonk America” by Sammy Kershaw.

 

505. When will you surf next?

January 9, 2010 off the coast of Tampa Bay.

 

506. What is the maddest you have got during sports play?

Wow, anyone who knows me well knows that I take

sports very seriously and I can boil over at any minute. I think the

worst ever was actually in Valleyfair volleyball in 2003 when I got

called for a lift on four straight plays. I literally stormed off the

sand, put my shoes on, and drove away, leaving my team one player short.

 

507. When was the last time you scooped dog poop?

I never do that. I was taking the Poulters’ dog Max

for a walk not too long ago while Lauren picked up the poop.

 

508. What was the last flavor of snow cone you ate?

I don’t remember what Jeff called it but it was a

dark yellow in color. Butterscotch maybe?

 

509. What was the last thing you choked on?

I don’t remember what Jeff called it but it came

from his pants. I think it was a bite size 3 Musketeers.

 

510. What is your favorite tea?

I don’t like tea, but on occasion I’ve sucked down a

green tea of some sort.

 

511. When was the last time you fell on your butt?

I don’t recall, but the plan for tonight is ice

skating with Lauren’s friends, so there’s a very good chance of it

happening tonight.

 

512. What language would you like to know a hundred words of?

Japanese, because I could really dazzle the CEO of

Microboards.

 

513. Have you ever cried at a wedding?

No, but after Ronnie Froke’s wedding, a large

country man in the lobby was just weeping. As he pulled his glasses off

to wipe his eyes he YELLED, “God dammit that was a beautiful

wedding. Just beautiful.”

 

514. What would be your ideal weight?

Oddly, the more weight I’ve gained since 2002, the

more the ladies like me. I would probably like to get back down to 250

ideally, though.

 

515. Have you ever said put another log on the fire?

I told Walsh to do so this summer while camping at

the lake. He did as told, then Feeney tackled him to the ground and

punched him in the face.

 

516. Have you ever said let’s bury the hatchet?

I told that to Craig once at college and proceeded

to purchase him a disgusting shot to forget our worries.

 

517. Do you plan on visiting Italy?

No, I have no immediate plans to visit any foreign

countries. Holland would be first on my list of potential destinations

though.

 

518. Do you like white or dark chocolate more?

Over the last year or so, dark chocolate has become

more and more fulfilling to me.

 

519. Have you tried something refried besides beans?

I don’t think so. I prefer frying something only

once and having it over with.

 

520. How many basketball shots have you made in a row?

Not many. In an actual game I think I went 5-for-5

to start a game once.

 

521. What do you think of when I say powder burn?

Me swallowing a bunch of baby powder and getting

heartburn.

 

522. Did Alex like his cheesecake?

Yes, but I wanted him to try some right away when he

opened it, and he refused! He waited like 13 hours before taking a bite.

 

523. What do you think Alyssa Milano is doing right now?

Probably putting on some laced panties in front of

an open window.

 

524. How many petty crimes do you think you could get away with in

one day?

Well, speeding is a given. I could roll through a

stop sign and steal a pack of gum from a gas station. I could open

Nick’s mail and shoot a neighbor. That’s probably it, though.

 

525. Do you think you will turn over in your grave?

Yes, if someone alive says something super stunning.

If someone said Seinfeld sucks, I would turn over.

 

526. Have you ever made a tee time?

Yes. In fact, I’m yet to be late for a tee time.

 

527. What accent are you best at?

Southern. Some say I have a natural country music

accent. Others say I’m just really weird.

 

528. What is the last thing you had to restack?

CDs in the CX-1 Disc Publisher from Microboards. I

stack 100 discs in there every day, print and burn them, then stack in

100 more the next day.

 

529. What is the last thing you had to reorder?

Toner for the office printer.

 

530. What movie would you last like to see in your life?

On my deathbed, I would ask to watch something

light-hearted and funny, like Home Alone or Something About Mary.

 

531. Marble or granite?

Granite. Travis told me so.

 

532. If you were to rob a store would you wear a ski mask?

Not unless I was robbing a ski shop, in which case I

would look like a customer.

 

533. When was the last time someone told you to eat shit?

The dominatrix told me to the other day. I did as

told. It tasted funny.

 

534. Are you going to see the new Rambo?

Doubtful, unless Peter Falk, my great uncle’s old

college roommate, is in it.

 

535. What was your second memory?

Dad coming in the trailer house for dinner, circa

March 1984, while I played with a See-N-Say.

 

536. Ideally how many people would you like to expose yourself to in

your lifetime?

Ideally, 40. I think that’s about where I am over

the course of 25 years.

 

537. Explain the Boston tea party in 4 words?

Boston wins at everything.

 

538. When was the last time you balanced someone else’s checkbook?

Accounting class in high school we balanced fake

check books. It was really funny because we got to write fake checks to

each other and mine were always made out for ridiculous purposes.

 

539. Have you played with gum lately?

I tend to chew gum and not play with it much. If I

do play with it, it’s because I’m bored.

 

540. When was the last time you were freaked out?

Actually that is kinda confidential… but the time

before that was when I came upon an accident on 169 and didn’t think I’d

be able to stop in time.

 

541. What was the last thing you stained your shoe with?

Dirty snow, kicking it out from under my car.

 

542. What is your favorite potato topper?

Butter, dude. I like plain old frickin butter, or

margarine. Whatever.

 

543. What year was the word brownie in your vocabulary?

1985 I bet I said brownie.

 

544. Would you hit someone with a rake for 8 dollars?

Lightly. Or I could do it hard if I could hit them

in the ass.

 

545. Tell me something about the Egyptians.

They used live snakes as a form of contraception.

 

546. Why is chocolate toxic to animals?

Their bodies don’t know how to process it. Just like

our bodies can’t process arsenic.

 

547. What is the last thing you did that was very easy?

I filled up a styrofoam cup of water without issue

moments ago.

 

548. What animal would you first like to shoot?

One that is attacking me and putting my life in

jeopardy, regardless of what it is.

 

549. What animal would you last like to shoot?

A mouse. The bullet would probably bounce off the

ground and hit me too.

 

550. Have you sat through a Bond movie?

Yeah I actually got talked into going to one in the

theater a few years back. As you can clearly tell, those interest me

very little at all.

 

551. In the movie Kill Bill why was the gang called the crazy 88’s?

There were 88 of them, and somehow they were all

badly injured by Uma.

 

552. Do you plan on buying a motorcycle?

I don’t. It wouldn’t be practical for our wintry

months.

 

553. How do you think you and Lauren would do on a dating show?

I like our chances. We’ve only known each other for

like 60 days but I think we know each other’s favorite things.

 

554. If you were on the gong show what would your talent be?

I’d do Paradise by the Dashboard Light karaoke.

 

555. If invited would you attend Bob Barker’s funeral?

Yes, he is one of South Dakota’s most famous native

sons.

 

556. What was the amount you paid for your last taxi ride?

I think the last one was when me, Nick, and Lauren

took a cab from the St Paul bar to our car to go to Sportsmans for $4.

 

557. Have you ever whistled Dixie?

I’ve whistled “Dixieland Delight” by Alabama.

 

558. Do chimneys annoy you?

They sometimes seem irrelevant this day in age.

 

559. Why don’t you like coffee?

The taste is really bad. I guess it’s probably one

of those things like beer where you just have to drink it a lot before

it starts to taste good.

 

560. Why do we live in Minnesota?

Because we were sucked in by Valleyfair and can’t

leave.

 

561. Do you love John Mayer?

No. I don’t really like him that much either. He’s

okay.

 

562. Have you ever been grabbed for money?

Not to the worst of my knowledge.

 

563. Make up a new way to spell brewery?

bruaree

 

564. What is your idea of independently wealthy?

Me having enough money to pay you to be my jester

and get drunk for my amusement.

 

565. Write a parody song line to Amazing Grace?

Amazing Race, how sweet the sound, of another

Primetime Emmy

 

566. When was the last time you put your whole mouth in a cup?

September 11 every year I do it out of respect. You

should too.

 

567. What would be your first move as manager of the Seahawks?

Sign you to the practice squad as a quaterback.

 

568. What would be your first move as manager of the Bruins?

Make a lopsided trade with Minnesota in the Wild’s

favor.

 

569. How would you describe your dance style?

Not bad for a lanky farm boy.

 

570. How good are you at swallowing puke?

A lot worse than the 2 Girls 1 Cup gals.

 

571. Would you enjoy competing on American Gladiators?

Yeah maybe, just not against their really good

gladiators.

 

572. Would you cremate Jeff for $10,000 dollars?

If he was already dead I could likely do it. But I

won’t cremate him live.

 

573. What racial stereotype do you have a hard time not laughing at?

How Afro-Americans at Valleyfair referred to every

single prize as a teddy bear. Even a basketball. “Win me that teddy

bear!”

 

574. Would you rather be a black panther or an apache?

A Black Panther. Aren’t Apaches extinct?

575. Do you believe in power animals?

I believe an animal can gain secret powers by

falling in ooze in sewers.

 

576. How much to try homemade speed from a stranger?

If you do it and survive, I’ll do it.

 

577. If given every episode of the Rockford files would you watch

them?

Sure. Someone went to a lot of work producing that

show. It must provide some entertainment value.

 

578. How many eggs would ruin an omelet for you?

If I had just one or two eggs that would be too

small and I’d be sad.

 

579. What surgery do you think you will have next?

Probably oral surgery for my wisdom teeth.

 

580. When you say thanks do you usually mean it?

No, it’s just to be polite.

 

581. When you smile do you usually mean it?

Yes, I rarely smile for no reason.

 

582. Do you hate buses?

I absolutely despised riding the bus to school back

in the day. I spent over two hours a day on a bus every school day for

over ten years. Although I don’t hate all buses. The SW Metro buses are

amazingly clean.

 

583. Do you think you will ever help the Boy scouts?

I already have by helping Aaron Pratt print out a

gigantic map of northern Minnesota streams.

 

584. What is your favorite hair gel?

I prefer hair spray, usually Suave.

 

585. How much time are you averaging thinking of questions for these

interviews?

Thinking up the questions actually seems to take

less time than answering them, if I’m 50% honest.

 

586. If I were to become a delivery man what should I deliver?

Those big things you put in a baby’s nose and

squeeze to get the snot out. And tweezers and Twizzlers.

 

587. Have you ever tried on a bra?

Wow, that was a while back. I guess it’s been seven

or eight days now, but yes.

 

588. Could you love a stripper?

At some point the stripping would probably stand in

my way of happiness.

 

589. Why doesn’t Aaron Pratt return my calls?

He doesn’t quite know for sure if you really exist

or if you’re a figment of his imagination.

 

590. Have you ever thought of any part of your computer sexually?

The monitor perhaps, when it displays sexual things.

 

591. If you went to prison would you get tats?

Yes. I would get one of Zach Braff on my back.

 

592. Do you think Bruce Willis will go back to television?

I don’t see it happening. Not with his silver screen

success.

 

593. How many non keys are on your keychain?

Non-keys? Two. A PBR bottle opener and PBR rubber

decal.

 

594. Would a story called Glanzer in wonderland end well?

Yes. Unless there were other characters with me who

perished along the way.

 

595. What would you rename the Eiffel tower?

The Hubert H. Humphrey Metro Tower.

 

596. Ideally how long should the show Undeclared have gone on?

It had three, maybe four seasons in it. How long are

you gonna keep these kids in college?

 

597. Who is the most self destructive person you know?

A drunken Mike Carlson seems to break a lot of

things. I’d also lock up my valuables if Hunter Hubner or Taylon LaMont

were coming over.

 

598. In what area do you have too many options?

In the area of where to relocate after our lease is

up. I have looked at hundreds of craigslist ads. You just have to pick

something and go with it.

 

599. In what area do you have too few options?

Same deal with moving, kinda. I only have one viable

option for a roommate and that is Nick, unless I wanted to be really

bold and ask Lauren to move in after just two months. But that’s taking

things a little fast!

 

600. At what age was your peak interest in Casper the friendly ghost?

Probably 6. I became deathly afraid of ghosts around

1991.

 

601. Will the Fray have another big album?

 

I was a big fan of their first album. They have way

too many fans to not sell a shit load of albums in the future.

 

602. How often do you use the word yo?

 

25 times a day. I say ‘yo’ to people I know instead

of hi, largely at work.

 

603. When was the last time you told someone they were the man?

 

I told it to Sammy when he almost made a shot in

basketball. It was really close to going in!

 

604. What would you most like to be wrapped up in?

 

The warm skin of a freshly mauled elk.

 

605. Would you like to see a high school production of noises off?

 

Only if Neal Colford were involved.

 

606. How often are you anal retentive?

 

I have been known to get anal about diseased

rectums.

 

607. I just punched you in the abdomen what do you do?

 

Kick you in the groin, then wallow in pain.

 

608. What is it like having a Canadian girlfriend?

 

Well, she is only Canadian by virtue of college, but

I feel much more tuned into Canadian culture. I have a newfound respect

for that shitty TV show Corner Gas on WGN, and I now know a lot more

about the streets of Toronto thanks to the song “Jane” by BNL.

 

609. Describe your job in 7 words?

 

It pays the bills but that’s all.

 

610. What Alfred Hitchcock movie could you best remake?

 

The Birds. Only I would use paper airplanes instead

of birds.

 

611. Who is your favorite professional wrestler?

 

I once insulted X-Pac to his face at Float Pitch…

but Triple H and Mankind are Twins fans. Doink the Clown was always good

too.

 

612. Who is your favorite country band?

 

Alabama and Sawyer Brown are all-time greats.

 

613. Who is your favorite male country singer?

 

At the moment Toby Keith and Brad Paisley are at the

far top of my charts.

 

614. Who is your favorite female country singer?

 

I don’t like a lot of female country songs, but Sara

Evans, Taylor Swift, and small doses of Carrie Underwood are alright.

 

615. Who is your favorite Mortal Kombat character?

 

Was Rasputin a character? If so, him.

 

616. Who is your favorite Street Fighter character?

 

Was Ryu a character? If so, him.

 

617. What was the last thing you were worried you would run out of?

 

Gas. I worry about that all the time. The gas gauge

on my car is effed up. It will be at the halfway point and then in like

4 miles it will drop all the way down to E and then I’m scrambling all

over looking for a gas station.

 

618. Have you ever found a worm in an apple?

 

Yes. It was wearing a graduation cap and reading a

scholarly paper.

 

619. Do you think Tom Cruise is gay?

 

No, I doubt it. He isn’t a manly mountain man, but

he is married to a woman.

 

620. Would you say you pass gas more or less often than an average

person?

 

I’d say more because I’m larger so more air can fit

in me. I will say mine get noticed more than others’ because of their

cinnamon roll-like aroma.

 

621. Would you say you pick nose more or less often than an average

person?

 

More. I have no shame. If there’s something that

needs to be picked, I pick it.

 

622. Would you say you burp more or less often than an average

person?

 

Probably less. I know a number of girls who burp

more openly than me.

 

623. Would you say you pick at ears more or less often than an

average person?

 

Less. My fingers won’t fit in my ear hole.

 

624. Would you say trim your nails more or less often than an average

person?

 

I never use a clipper on them. But I bite the longer

ones off daily.

 

625. Would you say you worry more or less often than an average

person?

 

A little bit more, because I worry 162 days a year

about the outcome of Twins games. And I often fear the worst in general.

 

626. What was the last occasion you bought a card for?

 

Maybe someone’s wedding? I usually find more unique

ways to express my feelings.

 

627. What was the last store you went into without buying anything?

 

I went into Tires Plus not that long ago and got the

free check-up but never bought or paid for anything.

 

628. Do you make a good first impression?

 

Most of the time, yes. When I don’t, it’s really

bad, and even then they’re still talking about my bad impression, which

at the very least is memorable.

 

629. What was the last thing you used as a fishing lure?

 

A DQ Blizzard on a fish hook. Fish love those

things.

 

630. Find a stain on yourself and tell me about it?

 

Easy. I have multiple stains on my jeans. One is

from dropping a little salsa. Another is from the salt on my car.

 

631. What are the chances Garth Brooks likes bestiality?

 

He’s from the South. That’s probably so normal to

him he wouldn’t even hesitate to bring it up at a dinner conversation.

 

632. How much to watch the new Veggie Tales movie?

 

Let’s get wasted and do it.

 

633. How much to make out with Jim Varney’s corpse?

 

If you dig it up and bring it to me, I’ll even give

tongue.

 

634. Do you experience writer’s block when making a grocery list?

 

I never like to make lists. I just pick out things

that look good when I get there.

 

635. What is the longest you have watched snow melt?

 

6 hours, 43 minutes, 9 seconds. This has happened

twice, most recently 1995.

 

636. Tell me your theory on where the Counting Crows got their name?

 

I think that is the name of a wise Native American

who inspired the band’s sound.

 

637. Would you let Val Kilmer kick you for an autograph?

 

Yes, a story like that would be well worth the kick

alone.

 

638. What would you say is the best thing you have painted?

In college I had Painting 101 one semester and did

five big paintings on canvas. I found that the ones I made up myself

sucked. The one where I copied a pre-existing painting turned out

extremely well. I can copy what I see but it’s tough to make color

decisions without a guide.

 

639. When was the last time you did something stalkerish?

 

Anytime I am about to meet someone, whether for a

date or some other reason, I head to Facebook to get some dirt on them

beforehand. In some cases, my Facebook stalking has actually uncovered

some dirt so filthy that I didn’t even end up seeing the person. I

believe that happened twice.

 

640. What would you guess would be the next movie we see together?

 

Undoubtedly it will be something in Uptown. You

always have the beat on the latest movies.

 

641. Do you remember the arcade game Rolling Thunder?

 

I don’t. Arcade games weren’t too common around

Carpenter and Willow Lake. I think the only arcade game I played more

than once was the original Simpsons arcade game. That really makes The

Simpsons look that much older. It was 1990!

 

642. Would you be any good at human Tetris?

 

I saw the video of the human Tetris being played in

Japan, which was hilarious. But I am too big.

 

643. Would you please set up a summer tournament of that leg

wrestling thing?

 

Such a request could easily be granted. Remind me at

the next Carpenter Bash.

 

644. Who was the last person you arm wrestled?

 

I want to say either Alex or Calvin. As strong as

Alex is, I have this mental will power to beat him every time. There’s

just something in my head that refuses to let me lose to my little

brother.

 

645. Who would you least like to do a 1000 question interview with?

 

Oh, I can think of some really boring people who

would give all one-word answers. I won’t name names, but I think we know

who would be bad at these. However, considering how I will have to go

through and edit everything before it goes on the website, someone with

poor typing and grammar skills would be worst of all. Again, no names

needed but I know we’re all on the same page here.

 

646. What was the last grammatical error you made?

 

In the previous sentence, there should have been an

“are” between “names” and “needed.” That wasn’t really an error so much

as it was me typing like I would talk.

 

647. Who in your family has the best fashion sense?

 

Well Dad dresses as a farmer would dress. Mom

dresses like a female mail carrier would dress. Alex kinda has the OCC

look going on. Jordan is your typical 23-year old mom whose up-to-date

on fashion. But I, on the other hand, live in a trend-setting city and

use much of my disposable income on the latest clothing fads. So to

answer your question, Granny.

 

648. What was the last thing you put in your nose?

 

My finger. Like I said, if it needs a bad picking

and I’m not in public, I’m going for it.

 

649. How good is your gaydar?

 

Unsatisfactory. We apparently had two gay employees

here for a while and I only knew about one. I still don’t pick up on any

homosexual tendencies from this one guy who is said to swing the other

way.

 

650. On a scale of one to ten how are your toe nails?

 

My TN’s are a big 10. In my opinion, I don’t have

any really disgusting ones like Jeff’s dagger.

 

651. What is the most compulsive thing you do on a regular basis?

 

Check mlbtraderumors.com. Until Santana is traded, I

will be checking it 25 times a day.

 

652. How much to eat 4 paint chips?

 

$50. Is it lead-based?

 

653. How many more times do you expect to use crutches?

 

The next time I hurt a leg I’m doing the wheelchair.

 

654. Do you think if Jesus came back you would meet him?

 

The line would be too long. Standing in lines is the

worst thing ever.

 

655. What will be the title of Alanis Morisette’s next album?

 

I Still Think About You, Uncle Joey

 

656. What is something you could not hate more?

 

I hate the college football bowl system. Screw the

advertising and give us a playoff!

 

657. When was the last time you did something aloof?

 

I often pretend to not know what people are talking

about to gauge their perception on a story.

 

658. How would you rate your gag reflex?

 

Better than yours after you almost chocked on that

penis lollipop, but worse than Jeff, who really went to town on his.

 

659. How excited are you to wipe your kid’s asses?

 

Not very. I get enough excitement wiping my own.

 

660. How intelligent do you think James Marsden is?

 

We both recognize his name, so he must be doing

something right.

 

661. What do you think of when I say impending doom?

 

A dark cloud rolling over our fair city and

lightning striking lots of things, causing some small fires.

 

662. Will dolphins ever speak like humans?

 

I wouldn’t discount that notion. They may be able to

one day talk like us, but can they carry on conversations with us? Who

the hell knows.

 

663. Does Clint Eastwood intimidate you?

 

There are many intimidating people. He might be one

of them.

 

664. Say something insulting about the Amish?

 

The Amish are so dumb, they couldn’t change a light

bulb if they did use electricity.

 

665. Who was the last athlete you cursed under your breath?

 

Tom Brady, time and time again. If you aren’t from

Michigan or New England you should be required to hate him.

 

666. How annoying is it when someone doesn’t return a borrowed pen?

 

It’s the kind of thing you forget about. If you do

remember that it’s missing, ask for it back.

 

667. What board game do you wish you were better at?

 

I love Scrabble. There’s always room for improvement

there.

 

668. What is the greatest thing you have ever seen involving a

hamster?

 

I once saw a hamster run on a wheel, then cower away

when it noticed I was watching. I wouldn’t want a hamster watching me

run on a treadmill either.

 

669. How long will the viral video trend continue?

 

I think it’s probably here to stay for another

decade in some form or another. It’s going to fix its own problems over

time. The good sites will prosper, the bad will go away. People will be

able to find exactly what they’re looking for much more easily.

 

670. Who would win in a fast food mascot rumble?

 

It’s hard to pick against the BK king, but Wendy has

some moves that would surprise you.

 

671. Insert the best color for the phrase Thin ___ line?

 

yellow

 

672. Would you be upset if someone called you socially irresponsible?

 

Such a statement would be laughable. The kind of

person to make a statement like that would have to be socially

irresponsible.

 

673. What would you most enjoy seeing a coffee table made out of?

 

100% cork.

 

674. Was Genghis Khan misunderstood?

 

I don’t think there was much misunderstanding going

on. We’re talking about that Ninja Turtles enemy, right?

 

675. Without looking what day of the week does Gandhi’s birthday fall

on this year?

 

Thursday?

 

676. Why do you think it is so hard for professional sports coaches

to give positive insightful interviews?

 

It’s all about image. If they come off as

approachable, just think how many stupid students on campus would be

hanging around them all the time.

 

677. How many text messages do you send in a day?

 

Typically anywhere from 1 to 10.

 

678. What is your favorite foreign currency?

 

Canadian because I understand it.

 

679. What is your least favorite foreign currency?

 

Ones with holes in them.

 

680. What was the last hand slapping game you played?

Probably some sort of playful game with Lauren.

 

681. Does the future freak you out?

 

Only in extreme time constraints, like finding a new

place to live in one month. Although this is nothing compared to the

summer of 2003 when I packed up for Valleyfair and arrived with no place

to live.

 

682. What sports stadium would you have the best chance of falling of

off and surviving?

 

Probably AT&T Park in San Francisco with the bay to

break my fall.

 

683. Who is your favorite male super model?

 

Jeff LaPlant or Patrick Lynch… toss up.

 

684. Who is your favorite female super model?

 

Sadly I don’t really know too many by name. The one

with the nice body.

 

685. Who is your favorite Futurama character?

 

Again, I’ve never been a huge Futurama fan, but

Bender I suppose is funniest.

 

686. If you found out you had leprosy on your ass who would you

blame?

 

The government!

 

687. When is disruptive funny?

 

When the person you disrupt gets unbelievably

annoyed. Then it’s fun to pile it on and drive them crazy.

 

688. If you could get away with anything what would it be?

 

Never showing up to work and still collecting a

paycheck.

 

689. If you were to be executed how many witnesses would you like

there?

 

The more people that had to witness it, the more

comfortable I would be with it. Then many others would feel my pain.

 

690. How would you stage a perfect murder?

 

I’d seek out OJ Simpson’s advice.

 

691. What director will make the next great teenage sex comedy?

 

Don’t rule out another Judd Apatow masterpiece.

 

692. What play would you most like to put on?

 

Rocky Horror, starring Patrick as Dr. Frank-n-furter.

 

693. What was the last place you were really excited to be?

 

Probably the bowling alley for Josh’s birthday the

other night. I was so stressed out driving there that I was very excited

to arrive and unwind with a few drinks.

 

694. Would you respect stop signs if they were four sided?

 

Yes, probably four times as likely to respect them.

 

695. What is something you have thought of that no one else has?

 

If I say it then someone else will read this and

think of it. But, prior to writing this, a pink bearded rabbit walking

down a beaten country path wearing an Uncle Sam outfit, carrying a tuba

but not playing it, while whistling “There Goes My Life” by Kenny

Chesney, and shooting at mosquitoes with a b-b-gun.

 

696. When was the last time you did the Tim Taylor grunt?

 

Sadly, a few months ago. Aaron did it at work and

when he left the office, I practiced my Tim grunt.

 

697. When did you first suspect there was no tooth fairy?

 

The same day I suspected Jesus was a figment of my

imagination.

 

698. Is Reba Mcentire overrated?

 

Yeah but given her lack of competition in the 80s,

she rightfully won over America’s hearts.

 

699. Would you give up your soul for control of the whole world for 7

years?

 

Yes. I think my future soullessness would be for the

greater good of mankind.

 

700. Quart wise what is the most gravy you have ate in one sitting?

A gallon.

>>

701. Quart wise what is the most ice cream you have ate in one

sitting?

7 or 8.

702. Quart wise what is the most pudding you have ate in one sitting?

2 maybe.  Chinese buffets are the only place I eat pudding

anymore.

703. Quart wise what is the most pickle juice you have ate in one

sitting?

Way less than one quart.  Only until recently would I even eat

a pickle.

704. Have you ever asked someone to pucker up?

You know very well that’s what I told you on your half-birthday.

705. Have you ever been grossed out by a bible?

Not in the traditional sense of the word.

706. If you had grown up in a orphanage do you think you would have

been teased?

I probably would have, but I’m sure I would have learned to fend for

myself in an orphanage and could probably kick the crap out of the

teasers.

707. When was the last time you thought to yourself Jesus what the

fuck am I doing?

That Monday morning I took 7 wrong turns on the way to work.

708. Do you like Last Kiss the song or the movie better?

Only familiar with the song, but since Zach Braff is involved, I’ll

say the movie.

709. Do you think a politicians speech could bring you to tears?

Absolutely.  If I were passionate enough about something I

could be easily persuaded to cry.

710. What word most offends you?

Unacceptable.  I think I’ve said that before.  People who

use that word instantly lose a lot of respect from me.  I’m being

very serious!

711. How many times a day do you tuck in your shirt?

I rarely wear shirts that require to be tucked in.

712. How many times a day do you use the bathroom?

A lot more lately since I got Scrabble on my cell phone!

713. How much afterbirth would you be comfortable secretly serving to

Nazi’s?

Six pounds, four ounces.

714. How many rugs will you buy in your life?

Eight, starting…. now.

715. Do you plan on going out in a blaze of glory?

Is there any other way?  It’s what Jon Bon Jovi would want.

716. What is your current favorite song you play at work?

“Somewhere Between Hell and Amazing Grace” by Big & Rich

717. How many e-mails are in your in box?

Just one, and it’s from Lauren Poulter, that sweetie!

718. Would you be the start of a sitcom even if they made you sign a

contract to play the same character for 50 years?

Absolutely. I can’t think of a better way to spend the next fifty

years.

719. How long does it take you to develop a sneeze?

Normally ten seconds.

720. Do you keep track of your receipts or throw them away?

If I know it’s going to be really important I’ll keep it, but even

then I won’t remember where the hell I put it.  It’s a lost cause.

721. What leg of your pants do you put on first?

Left. Always.

722. What shoe do you put on first?

Whichever one I get to first.

723. Do you button your shirt going up or down?

I start at the second button from the top, work my way down, and

come back up for that last one if necessary.

724. Why is the sky blue?

Reflection of the ocean.

725. Have many cans of tuna have you ate in your life?

Zero.  I have never tried tuna, seriously.

726. What TV theme show do you whistle most often?

Scrubs.  Especially that high whiny instrumental part.

727. What once popular band do you most miss?

I would love for Weezer to get this new album done with and tour

again.

728. What forgotten little Debbie do you most miss?

Gotta be the Swiss Cake Rolls.  I bought some today because I

missed them.

729. What was the last thing you fertilized?

The toilet, if you catch my drift.

730. Can you name all your elementary teachers?

Mrs Pommer, Mrs Warkenthien, Mrs Warne, Mrs Waldow,

Mr Beutler, Mr Sumption, and Mrs Folkestad. I think three or four of

them still teach.

 

731. How much do you miss John Candy?

I just saw him the other night in something and thought it would be

funny to see what he looks like today.

732. What do turtles eat?

Pizza, according to cartoons.

733. How many pounds of cotton candy have you consumed so far?

A couple.  I don’t eat that crap anymore.  Bad for your

teeth, but fun for kids!

734. Do you think you could ever believe someone if they told you

they knew the meaning of live?

I don’t think anyone really knows, so no.  If you told me and

were sincere, I’d buy it though.

735. What do you think Chris Ahrendt is doing right now?

I guarantee it involves studying and numbers.

 

736. What do you think Craig Karjaleanin is doing right now?

Probably praying no potential employers Google his

name.

 

737. What do you think Dave Becker is doing right now?

 

Probably screwing around online at work.

 

738. What do you think Jake Drotzman is doing right now?

 

Probably screwing around online at work.

 

739. What do you think Josh Schue is doing right now?

 

Frying an egg using his car engine.

 

740. What do you think Derrick Geiszler is doing right now?

 

Still regretting overlooking the fact that a hot

girl hit on him at the Josh Gracin concert in 2006.

 

741. What do you think Deb Tech Coffee is doing right now?

 

Sitting in her office looking at a framed photo of

you, doing naughty things.

 

742. If you woke up one night and saw I was massaging your prostate

would you let me finish or make me stop?

Oh wow, that one caught me off guard. I just

actually laughed out loud. For Christ sake stop! That would clearly

cross the line of our friendship.

 

743. What would be your talent in a Vegas Lounge act?

I’d do Meat Loaf covers and Jordan would play piano.

 

744. Would you do me a favor and start listening to Nirvana?

I will try, but no promises will be made. I think a

band like Nirvana needs to be listened to loudly. I can’t get too loud

at work, which is when I’d most likely have time to sample their music.

 

745. If dragons started attacking what would you do?

Make sure none were near me when I walked out to my

car.

 

746. Which two of our friends would be most interesting on a Kenny

vs. Spenny type show?

If I’m honest, me and you might make the funniest

show. Or Steve vs. Jeff would be worth paying to see. Nick and Patrick

would be too stubborn to try most of the ridiculous stunts.

 

747. Does a cluttered desk mean a clutters mind?

I tend to think so. The more cluttered one’s desk

is, it also looks like you’re that much busier. Or lazier. I don’t think

it’s working for me.

 

748. Will the WNBA ever be wildly popular?

It has reached its peak. Unless a man tries to cross

the boundaries and play.

 

749. How often do you incorrectly put in a password for something on

the internet?

Rarely. There are some passwords I flat-out don’t

know and keep guessing, but if I know it I almost always type it right.

 

750. If forced what letter would you have tattooed on your chest?

Y. If someone asked why I did that, I’d say “Y not?”

Ha ha ha.

 

751. Wilbon or Kornheiser?

It really depends on each individual argument.

Sometimes I feel like Wilbon changes his stances and argues for the sake

of arguing.

 

752. How many socks do you lose in a year?

I probably lose more socks in a year than anything

else. If I buy a new 6-pack today, I guarantee I will have one good pair

left by Dec. 31.

 

753. What is your favorite meal at Carpenter café?

Can’t beat the broasted chicken. If you don’t know

what that is, it’s half-broiled, half-roasted.

 

754. How much would you have to get paid to run Carpenter Café for

one year?

Twice what I make now. I tried running it for one

day and failed miserably.

 

755. What do you think of when I say Bombay Bicycle Club?

You and Jeff on matching bicycles riding down the

road holding up traffic.

 

756. How pissed would you be if you were forced to own ten cats?

I would be pretty upset. Cats are easy to take care

of, but even so, I don’t want the responsibility. Plus Nick is allergic

so it would be twice the pain.

 

757. Who was your favorite character on Garfield and friends?

God damn what a great cartoon that was. Is that on

DVD? I liked Binky the Clown. Garfield could never escape him.

 

758. Name the new Homeward Bound sequel?

Homeward Bound III: Assaulted, Battered, and on the

Purrr-owl!

 

759. Would you be interested in managing Pauly Shore’s career?

At this point I’d be interested in managing your

career. Yeah, bring him on. I can land hima gig or two.

 

760. Which is the most under appreciated utensil?

Butter knives don’t get their due if you ask me. I

use them all the time for other purposes.

 

761. Has Al Gore ever made you belly laugh?

Nah. But then again I never saw An Inconvenient

Truth, so…

 

762. What is your favorite Christmas present of last 5 years?

I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but… the

Comsopolitan Guide to Red Hot Sex (that was aimed towards the female

audience, I discovered) you got me last year.

 

763. What was the last 8 bit Nintendo game you played?

Tetris

 

764. What was the last Game boy game you played?

Also Tetris

 

765. What was the last Virtual game you played?

You know, I never once played Virtual Boy. Am I

lame?

 

766. What was the last Super Nintendo game you played?

Probably some form of Mario. Me and my friends

didn’t have a Super NES.

 

767. What was the last Nintendo 64 game you played?

One of the Mario Party games, I’d guess.

 

768. What was the last Wii game you played?

I tried a little of Nick’s Mario game once but I

don’t care for the Wii that much.

 

769. What show on TV do you wish you were into?

That’s a weird question because I am into all the

shows I want to be into. I know you guys are big on 24 and I can’t

contribute to any of those conversations. Nick is all about Big Bang

Theory and Cooney is all about How I Met Your Mother. Those are the two

shows that intrigue me a little.

 

770. What should the lifetime network change their format to?

All made-for-TV movies from the early 90s. The girl

in the well movie should run once a day.

 

771. Dom Deluise just puked spaghetti on you , now what?

I make sure everyone in the room knows about it.

 

772. Explain nuclear power in 6 words?

Good way to light a city.

 

773. What Simpson’s character should they kill off?

I think Nelson Muntz has become too integral. Get

rid of him.

 

774. What is your favorite Valley Fair memory?

Hmm. Obviously the Valleyfair years were some of the

best times of my life, so this is a tough one. Any time we had a Code

Red weather alert, the excitement level jumped way up on my radar. I

love the time all guests had to report to the theater because of the

flash floods and it was me and Travis of all people who went up on stage

to calm everyone down. That is one of many, many great moments.

 

775. How confident would you be getting a cheerleading team into the

state finals?

If it was my job to coach cheerleading, I would be

lost. I don’t know any of the cheers or basic moves. I would not be

confident.

 

776. When was the last time you packed a picnic basket?

Honestly, it was the summer of 2006 at Microboards

when Aaron and I packed a pic-a-nic basket and went out onto the lawn

for a funny photo shoot of Aaron having lunch with a tower copier.

Others found it much less funny than me and Aaron, that’s for sure.

 

777. Would you take custody of Britney Spear’s kids for one million

dollars?

Absolutely. That kid would be an absolute gold mine.

 

778. What would you call a movie about archaeology?

DIG: Dig in Ground

 

779. What profession do you feel is most misunderstood?

Dry-cleaning. People forget that the people who work

at these places made a conscious decision to get into the art of

dry-cleaning. It seems these people just fall from the sky, but they

were once like me and you, so full of hopes and dreams.

 

780. What is one topic of interest that you feel you have just

scratched the surface of?

Sabermetrics is a good example. If my girlfriend is

into advanced baseball stats, I need to start digging into it a little

deeper too. It’s a fascinating set of statistics that go to show how

truly good a player is.

 

781. Do you take most things at face value?

No, I tend to pry into things and try to find their

real value. If something seems good at face value, I need to know it’s

for real.

 

782. What do you think of when I say skull fuck?

That movie The Aristocrats, which I found wildly

disappointing. Hearing people tell disgusting jokes doesn’t faze me. Now

if they were at least showing an animation of the jokes, I would have

liked it. Give me some visuals!

 

783. Who should have their own Christmas special?

Larry David should. I think a Larry David Christmas

would be well worth tuning into, especially if special guests like

Michael Richards showed up.

 

784. Would you enjoy riding a unicorn?

About as much as I’d enjoy riding a zebra or a

horse, which isn’t that awful much.

 

785. What word do you most often mispronounce?

Every so often I try talking too fast and make a

mockery of the word “definitely.” Def’ly. De’ly.

 

786. Has your penis ever become an innie?

I’m not sure. How would that work?

 

787. If you had to join the armed forces, which branch would you

join?

I can’t swim well, so Navy and Marines are out. I

don’t trust myself carrying a gun through a jungle, so Army is out. I

guess that leaves the Air Force, but my eye sight is nowhere good enough

to fly a jet like that.

 

788. How much are you willing to pay for a peanut butter and jelly

sandwich?

Once in a coon’s age I’ll buy those pre-made

Smuckers PB&J sandwiches without the crusts, where you get ripped off

like none other. It’s like $4 for a box of six sandwiches or something,

but they’re very tasty and chewy.

 

789. Would you enjoy being a where’s Waldo illustrator?

“Enjoy” is such a strong word. I think I would be

satisfied with that career.

 

790. Have you ever been on your knees begging for forgiveness?

No, although such situations with Amanda came close.

She was always mad at me for something. To keep the peace I often went

to extreme lengths.

 

791. What is your favorite dirty joke?

I don’t know any. I hear them once and forget them.

Probably one that involves lude sexual innuendo.

 

792. What is your favorite knock knock joke?

That one you told me involving bleeding wee-wees. It

was hilarious.

 

793. What is your favorite riddle?

That one that Five for Fighting sings about.

 

794. Describe what a diplomat does in ten words?

A diplomat is someone who does something in

someone’s place.

 

795. Would you rather have a real life applause or laugh track?

Real life applause. If it had to be a laugh track,

give me that $4 clearance track they used on My Brother and Me.

 

796. What was the last thing you ordered online?

The last thing I paid for online besides a bill was

Dad’s Christmas present.

 

797. Would you like to have a bidet?

I’m sorry, you’ll have to fill me in.

 

798. What would you do if Carson Daly questioned your manhood?

I’d make a remark that would make him feel bad for

asking me that question.

 

799. What is your least favorite film genre?

Typical manly action movies like XXX suck. I’m not

much for documentaries or horror, either.

 

800. Have you had a religious moment recently?

I have had many moments recently where I was around

when religion was being mocked. It turns out Nick is my only

above-average religious friend.

 

801. Randomly guess all eight of my coworkers names?

Sandy, Jess, Ronald, Matt, Christie, Sphinx, Maisey,

and Tessa

 

802. Seriously why doesn’t micro boards give me a job?

I think if you applied for a shipping or integration

job you would be hired.

 

803. Who is the bigger ass Jeter or Don King?

Derek Jeter. How dare he excel for so many years by

the team that drafted him.

 

804. How would you describe your gambling luck?

I had beginner’s luck when I first gambled at Mystic

Lake in 2002. I always left with $25 more than I came with. Now I have

no luck.

 

805. What was your first impression of Teila Tequila?

What’s that? Is that the myspace model who has 1

million friends?

 

806. Explain an idea that would make you one dollar?

Selling bottles of Glanzer Farms bottled water along

the side of the road in rush hour traffic. I’m of course counting net

profits minus fines for illegal sale placement.

 

807. Explain an idea that would make you ten dollars?

Agreeing to sell you my VCR and text books for $10.

 

808. Explain an idea that would make you one hundred dollars?

DJing a dance on a Saturday night.

 

809. Explain an idea that would make you one thousand dollars?

Printing and burning 400 DVDs at $2.50 apiece for a

customer.

 

810. Explain an idea that would make you one million dollars?

Getting back into playing shape and becoming a

professional baseball player.

 

811. Would you support the idea of every human being having to get an

aids test once a year?

I don’t think it’s necessary for everyone to get an

AIDS test. Maybe every time someone tries to enroll in college they

should be tested.

 

812. Who is someone you could call a skank and make them offended?

I imagine that could go for a lot of people seeing

how I don’t go around calling people skanks. I think Sammy would be at

the top of the offended list if I called him that.

 

813. How many pinball machines have you tried?

No fewer than 19, no more than 50.

 

814. On a scale of 1 to 10 how is your depth perception?

Actually it’s bad, like a 4. I always misjudge fly

balls in softball.

 

815. If I took you to a fertility clinic would you want me to hug you

before or after the proceedings?

Probably afterwards. I don’t need the mental image

of us hugging while going in to donate sperm.

 

816. Would you rather have coffee grounds or sand thrown in your

face?

Coffee grounds. At least they’re edible even if I

don’t like coffee. Lauren is pretty.

 

817. Who is your favorite Saved by the Bell character?

It’s tough, because the way the show goes, you can’t

help but cheer for Zack. But Slater was kinda in the back of my head as

the guy I really wanted to see succeed. He is Turk to JD. Or Uncle Joey

to Uncle Jesse. Of course I have met Dustin Diamond, Dennis Haskins, and

Ed Alonzo, so…

 

818. What do you think of Regis Philbin?

He does a good job looking young.

 

819. Man how great was Patrick’s birthday?

It would rank as the best birthday party I’ve

attended that I can remember. We used to have legendary nights like that

all the time back in the Valleyfair years, but not so much anymore. It

was awesome to have a night that just got out of control like that for a

change, especially with the great group we had together.

 

820. We should do the same thing for Jeff’s birthday right?

No, you can never try duplicating the success of

something like that. Jeff’s birthday should be similar but have its own

uniqueness.

 

821. Who deserves to be the highest paid movie director?

Tim Burton, Judd Apatow, or Todd Solondz

 

822. Who deserves to be the highest paid movie actor?

Johnny Depp

 

823. Who deserves to be the highest paid movie actress?

Drew Barrymore

 

824. Who deserves to be the highest paid baseball player?

Johan Santana. He’s the one player in the league

where the chances of victory triple just by him being on the field.

 

825. Who deserves to be the highest paid football player?

Randy Moss. He makes average quarterbacks look

great.

 

826. Who deserves to be the highest paid basketball player?

Tim Duncan. All he does is win.

 

827. Who deserves to be the highest paid hockey player?

Marian Gaborik. 5 goals in a game must be worth

something.

 

828. Who deserves to be the highest paid male singer?

Meat Loaf. Look at the trials and tribulations he’s

overcome! The tribulations!

 

829. Who deserves to be the highest paid female singer?

Carrie Underwood.

 

830. Who deserves to be the highest paid band?

Bon Jovi.

 

831. Who would you say you have more talent in your little finger

than?

Troy Williamson.

 

832. Would you like to have the bumps in your head analyzed?

Not unless someone can analyze them while I’m

sitting here doing this interview.

 

833. What do you think of when I say robot kazoo?

That old downloading agent called Kazaa that I never

got to work very well for me.

 

834. Do you believe there is someone for everyone?

That’s impossible. There are an odd number of people

in the world at this particular moment.

 

835. What is something you would enjoy doing for 73 straight hours?

Lounging in a hammock on the beach.

 

836. Do you respect Dr. Phil?

I respect him because he has a Dr. in front of his

name. How can you not respect doctors?

 

837. What was the first thing you and Lauren disagreed about?

It’s not very often we disagree about anything. If

we’re on different pages, we quickly are able to come to an agreement to

please everyone. We disagreed once on whether or not I should go over to

her house. I had been drinking with Jeff and was unable to make the

drive.

 

838. What is your favorite grocery store?

All-time, it’s the Huron Coborn’s. From the ones I

currently shop at, I’d say Cub in EP.

 

839. How much would you guess all the gold in the world weighs?

More than all the LaPlants and Glanzers in the world

combined times 34,943.

 

840. How much would you guess all the tea in China weighs?

37 billion metric tons.

 

841. Will Mandy Moore ever win an Oscar?

No but she did a nice job while on Scrubs briefly.

 

842. Is there a scenario where lice are sexy?

If you have to shave because of pubic lice, then

perhaps.

 

843. At what age would it bother you to have people surprise you on

your birthday?

It always bothers me to be surprised any time. I

don’t like surprises very much, even if they’re good ones. I like

everything to be out in the open, good or bad.

 

844. What do you most like about Jell-O?

Probably the texture. It really is a one-of-a-kind

texture amongst the foods I eat.

 

845. Will they give Heath Ledger a sympathy Oscar nod for the Dark

Knight?

I think he’ll be acknowledged in some way at the

Oscars in 2009 for his role. I doubt he will be amongst the top five.

Has anyone ever been nominated posthumously?

 

846. If Rivers Cuomo murdered a man would you still buy his music?

It would be weird to think that little geeky Rivers

with his glasses could perpetrate such a dastardly plan, but I would

still like his music… well, unless he murdered me or someone I like.

 

847. Do you think torture would be easier to take if you were super

rich?

No, it would be all the tougher knowing my money

should have been able to prevent torture from occurring.

 

848. Do you think the earth will be hit by an asteroid in your

lifetime?

Aren’t scientists able to tell if an asteroid was on

its way to the earth decades in advance? I will still say yes.

 

849. Would you travel back in time or forward in time first?

Forward. We already know what’s happened in the

past. I want to know the future dammit!

 

850. Have you ever pet a junkyard dog?

No but I hear they make really bad pets. They prefer

the company of garbage, just like Oscar.

 

851. Will I be allowed to discipline your bastards?

You sound rather sure of yourself there. And you

should. Yes, discipline away.

 

852. Is Richie Rich a prick?

Of course, anyone who goes around calling themselves

a name that involves how much money they have is a prick.

 

853. Have you ventured into a eBay store?

I believe I did when I was looking at Alex’s

business online.

 

854. What is the most interesting title to a book you have read?

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

 

855. What is the most interesting title to a book you have not read?

War, What Is It Good For? by Tolstoy

 

856. What is the most interesting title to a movie you have seen?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

 

857. What is the most interesting title to a movie you have not seen?

A Clockwork Orange

 

858. What historic event would you have like to witness from the

30’s?

The Great Depression. I think it would be uplifting.

 

859. What historic event would you have like to witness from the

40’s?

The Tigers 1945 World Series title.

 

860. What historic event would you have like to witness from the

50’s?

New Year’s Eve 1953 at the Glanzer farm

 

861. What historic event would you have like to witness from the

60’s?

Man landing on the moon.

 

862. What historic event would you have like to witness from the

70’s?

The signing of that treaty by Interpol in Stockholm,

Sweden that you read about at the beginning of DVDs that discusses

copyright infringement, even without monetary gain.

 

863. What historic event would you have like to witness from the

80’s?

Twins winning Game 7 of the 1987 Series.

 

864. What historic event would you have like to witness from the

90’s?

Twins winning Game 7 of the 1991 Series.

 

865. What historic event would you have like to witness from the last

eight years?

9/11. But only from a distance… Too soon?

 

866. Would you start a puppet show or a mime act first?

Puppet show. No one would have to know I was into

puppets.

 

867. What was the last message you left on a bathroom wall?

For a good time, go F yourself.

 

868. Have you smelled the inside of a shoe in the last month?

I smell my own shoes if I really work up a good

odor. That’s what a real man would do.

 

869. Would AA be your first solution to alcohol dependency?

No, that I think is everyone’s last resort. That’s

when you’ve hit rock bottom. Stu and Liz found that out.

 

870. How often do you talk to your computer?

I only talk to it when it screws up. But then it’s

yelling. Maybe I should just give it a big thank you someday when it’s

working well.

 

871. What movie should have a animated sequel?

I think Sideways could go animated.

 

872. What should be the standardized response to not wanting a hug?

A turn and cough.

 

873. How many nights in a year would you like to spend around a

campfire?

Ten is probably all the more I could handle. Any

more than that and it loses its charm.

 

874. On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you like the White Stripes?

Like a 3. I only know one song. So far their music

hasn’t really clicked with me.

 

875. If the rules for what words get capital letter reversed, how

long would it take you to get used to it?

After 25 years of knowing it one way, I don’t know

if I would ever be completely used to it.

 

876. Is it ever OK to trivialize murder?

This is the third or fourth premeditated murder

question… are you planning on killing me?

 

877. What is your favorite 800 number?

1-800-33-TWINS

 

878. What is your favorite 900 number?

1-900-976-ESPN. Remember in the early 90s if you

wanted up-to-the-minute scores, you could call that hotline and get

charged $4 a call.

 

879. How many of the ten commandments do you like?

I think three or four are relevant… you know…

the ones that are good.

 

880. Would it upset you more if Paul Rudd lost both his arms or if

Oprah Winfrey lost her voice?

Paul Rudd losing his arms would be a wildly bizarre

tragedy. I don’t think it would necessarily end his acting career

though.

 

881. Who would win in a fight between Mighty Mouse and Underdog?

A dog will always beat up a mouse given the chance.

 

882. Should speed tap dancing be an Olympic event?

Yes. I think each Olympiad, 100 new events should be

introduced. Give everyone a chance to win a medal.

 

883. When someone ask how you are do you usually ask them back?

I almost always say, “Oh, not too bad, yourself?”

 

884. What dipping sauce are you really sick of?

I’ve eaten BBQ sauce to death. Unless it’s a swanky

brand like Famous Dave’s, I’ve totally overdone the BBQ sauce lately.

 

885. If you had to pick one person to be the target of all your mean

spirited jokes, who would it be?

My mortal enemy, Sumpy, of course.

 

886. Would you allow your chest hair to be three times thicker if it

made your ass three times more attractive?

Yes. I wouldn’t mind a manly chest full of hair. And

if my ass is already this sexy, just imagine how immaculate it would be.

 

887. Tell me the story of where the phrase a skeleton in your closet

came from in 11 words?

Some guy saw a skeleton in his closet and randomly

started a new phrase.

 

888. Who is the hairiest person you know?

Mark Theisen, hands-down. Dathan Speiker and Travis

might put up a good fight.

 

889. What is the likelihood would you have of defusing a pipe bomb if

you had three hours and a bucket of water to defuse it with?

I had a dream about this question last night. In my

dream I didn’t defuse it and it went off, but only created a mild shake.

 

890. When was the last time you sat in a high chair?

Probably the mid-80s. When is the last time I could

physically fit in such a chair?

 

891. If a log cabin started on fire without you in it would you do

anything about it?

No. I would run even further away.

 

892. If you found out the best oranges in the world were grown in

China, how hard would you try to get some?

I wouldn’t try at all. I wouldn’t believe such a

story.

 

893. When you get old are you going to be a sample guy at Costco?

No but I might go through Costco and eat a lot of

samples from you who will be a sample guy.

 

894. If you had to shave one of your arms, which one would it be?

Right. I pitch with that arm and it might help my

aerodynamics.

 

895. What ever happened to baby Jane?

She got mauled by a leopard at a zoo.

 

896. Explain evolution in 16 words?

A dog can turn into a ferocious whale over the

course of time if it needs to adapt to its surroundings.

 

897. What are you planning on naming the bar you open?

Funky Fuck McLantern Ass’s Brews & Brothelhouse

 

898. What are you planning on naming the Chinese Buffet you open?

Super Wok

 

899. What are you planning on naming the Car Wash you open?

Compadre Glanzer’s Car Wash Emporium

 

900. What are you planning on naming the outlet mall you open?

Jason LaPlant Memorial Outlet Mall

 

901. What are you planning on naming the holiday store you open?

 

Granny Fanny Nestletoad’s

 

902. What are you planning on naming the carpet store you open?

That New Carpet Smell

 

903. Describe your perfect morning?

I wake up on a Tuesday next to Lauren (awwww)

and find out work is cancelled. There is a massive thunderstorm going

on, and I sit out on the balcony watching it pour down while cracking

open that first Coors Light. Three’s Company plays in the background.

 

904. What country would you like tattooed on the bottom of your

foot?

Uruguay. If there’s ever a question about a

country, I’ll always pick Uruguay.

 

905. What food item would you like burned onto the small of your

back?

A chicken wing.

 

906. On what date will the most important shave of your life

occur?

April 25, 2009

 

907. If you could have a unlimited gift card to any store where

would it be?

Ikea or JC Penney

 

908. Which late show host had the best writer’s strike comeback?

 

I didn’t see any of them, actually. I rarely

catch the late night shows.

 

909. When was the last time you were hit for no reason?

Aaron Kanitz punched me in the stomach and then

the neck on January 4 for no reason.

 

910. If you were told alligator pee cured swollen feet, would you

try it?

It depends how swollen my feet were. Whatever

was left of the pee I would save it for a cruel joke to play on someone.

 

911. If you lost your appetite for four straight days would you

see a doctor?

I would definitely see a doctor. The mild

hypochondriac I am, I would probably go the second day.

 

912. If they opened a real Good Burger would you work there?

If Kenan and Kel worked there, I’d do it.

 

913. Who would you have guessed would be the breakout star of my

brother and me?

I figured Goo would at least earn Kel Mitchell

stardom.

 

914. If they would of called the show My brother in me, would you

have thought of it as dirty the first time you saw it?

I would have thought it was something really

deep, like Alfie looked into his soul and saw the brother he was

supposed to be.

 

915. Is Sinbad in your list of top 100 favorite stand up comics?

After seeing Good Burger, absolutely.

 

916. Would you be able to make up a comic book character and a

brief story line?

Kerry Kegman, a keg of beer come to life who is

the life of every college party.

 

917. How often do you go into a store just to use the bathroom?

1 in 35 trips into a store, the primary reason

is for their bathroom.

 

918. What was the last incorrect nametag you wore?

I wore one that said Lauren on it at the Microboards

Christmas party.

 

919. What old job do you miss the least?

I will never, ever miss a second of my time at MDL

in Madison. Worst. Job. Ever.

 

920. What old job would you be happy still doing?

Valleyfair team lead stuff. Not supervisor, not game

op. Team lead is where it was at. That and the KOKK DJ gig were pretty

sweet.

 

921. Who do you think on average pees longer me or you?

I think I do. True story. Someone once bet me there

was no way I could pee for 60 straight seconds. Not only did I do that,

but I went for 110 seconds. They still wouldn’t accept it, thinking I

wasn’t going at full power.

 

922. How interested would you be in learning how to twirl guns?

Not at all. One would go off and kill me.

 

923. How would you most like to be disqualified from a beauty

pageant?

Massive erection that will not go away before

pageant begins.

 

924. If your basketball team were undefeated would you have more

stress in your life right now?

Ha ha. The very notion of our team being undefeated

is laughable. I would have much less stress. Losing is much more

stressful than winning.

 

925. How many movie westerns have you sat through?

If you count 3:10 to Yuma and Young Guns II, then 3.

 

926. What is the best food for a food fight?

You can’t go wrong with pineapples. Those spikes

will put someone’s eye out in a jiffy.

 

927. What are the chances you were adopted?

Given my height compared to the rest of the family,

chances seem reasonable.

 

928. What are the chances you are mentally ill?

I almost guarantee I’m mentally ill. But then again

I bet everyone could be declared mentally ill by some standard.

 

929. What do you think of when I say rhino plastic rhinestones?

A prize out of a cereal box that has you and Jeff at

odds with each other.

 

930. Wouldn’t it be funny if they way you introduced yourself to new

people would be to get really close to them and say ” It’s Glanzer

bitch”?

Yeah it would be funny. I think it would be funnier

if that’s how Steve introduced himself.

 

931. When was the last time you put both hands in the air?

I did it the other day in basketball while leaping

for a rebound. Also I wanted the opponent to get a good noseful of my

sweaty armpits.

 

932. If you were taught how to chop the heads of poultry with your

bare hands would you use the skill on thanksgiving?

Hopefully not. The head should be removed by that

point.

 

933. How many days could you go through Easter in a row before

getting sick of it?

If Easter consisted of going to church, then one

day. Although the Twins always play that day so that would be something

to look forward to.

 

934. Is it ever OK to puke in a pool?

Yeah, of course. Remember when you did it that

summer at Burnsville when we went swimming after drinking heavily that

one weekday afternoon?

 

935. How much do you like Joe McHale on a scale of 1 to 10?

I don’t know who that is, but if that’s Kevin

McHale’s nickname, then 3.

 

936. What is the funniest thing you have seen on the TV show the

Single Guy?

The ending credits are always a hoot. I love to see

who was the associate art director.

 

937. If Joe Mauer robbed a sperm bank and you were the only witness,

would you tell anyone?

Of course! Joe Mauer has no business running around

with people’s sperm! Unless it were during the pennant race, in which

case Mauer would be needed more on the field than in jail.

 

938. Are you going to teach your kids not to tattle?

I don’t know. I hope they will use their own

discretion and tattle on kids when the issues are serious enough to

warrant doing so.

 

939. Can you distinguish Latin writhing from Arabic?

 

您認為怎樣?

 

940. What do you think will be the first thing you do to emotionally

scar your kids?

Scream at the TV when the Twins are losing,

frightening them beyond words.

 

941. What is your favorite thing to cut with scissors?

Vinyl records.

 

942. If you had to pair up the three stooges and the band TLC to

procreate, in what pairings would you put them?

One big gang bang. Let’s see who gets whose kids.

 

943. At what price is a cell phone cheap?

Free. I haven’t ever paid a penny for a cell phone.

 

944. Who is your favorite daytime court judge?

I may be old-fashioned, but Judge Judy is the only

daytime judge that matters. Now if that Judge Reinholt show was real…

 

945. Do you think a chin strap will ever be fashionable?

If the right person wears it in the right situation,

anything can be considered fashionable.

 

946. Would you go to hell if you died as a result of breast feeding?

Me personally? No. I think some people have.

 

947. What was the last thing you gave a courteous laugh to?

Oh God. I gave ten out during break today.

 

948. What would you do if I told you I have been turned on by you 17

times?

I’d be flattered. I thought that number was closer

to 12.

 

949. Would your life be more interesting if you could tell people you

served in the Gulf war?

It would be another topic for conversation, but

that’s one thing I don’t typically have trouble with.

 

950. If there was a batman the musical what part would you play?

I would need to be Robin. I could have fun with that

role.

 

951. Has any one ever told you your heart was to big?

Several doctors and a very thankful German Shephard.

 

952. How much would I have to pay you to make love to a baby

chimpanzee?

I would first have to reach the right state of mind,

and I just don’t see that happening.

 

953. If you had to write a 100 page coherent single spaced story, how

long would it take you?

I could easily do it in a work day. In fact, that

sounds like fun.

 

954. What are the chances you become so addicted to chew that you put

it in both lips?

I don’t think I ever will become addicted to it. If

I did it, it would be for a cheap laugh or to make Steve feel better

about himself.

 

955. Who is your favorite Rescue Rangers character?

Monterrey Jack, despite my hatred of cheese.

 

956. What VH1 reality show would you most like to be a part of?

I could do the Surreal Life if the celebrities were

cool enough.

 

957. If you knew the day you would die would you tell me?

You know me and secrets. Everyone would know by now.

 

958. When are you planning on kicking some serious ass?

The next time I get pissed off in an intramural

basketball or softball game.

 

959. If all the imaginary characters roamed the earth, which one

would you most likely date?

Connie D’Amico.

 

960. Have you ever manipulated someone?

Many, many times. I am manipulating you as we speak.

 

961. If you were on the MTV show Made what would it be about?

Another TV show I am unfamiliar with. I will go at

random and say it is about me collecting pilgrim figurines.

 

962. Why do you think people these days have less hair on their

elbows?

They aren’t outside as much and sunlight makes hair

grow.

 

963. What was the last thing you sent back at a restaurant?

I rarely send anything back. You’d have to go way

back to the time we were at Ruby Tuesdays and I sent back that hamburger

cause they put cheese on it after I explicitly told them not to.

 

964. Describe what the missing link would look like in 4 words?

pink soft round tasteless

 

965. What do you think Barbara Walter’s deep dark secret is?

She knows that AJ Pierzynski can’t take a shit at

night but it’s between the two of them.

 

966. What is the latest you have been for something that you still

showed up for?

If you count work, I’ve come in after noon a few

times. Once I came to a Twins game in the sixth inning.

 

967. Describe your last nightmare to me?

I can’t remember the last nightmare. The last dream

I had involved a former goody-two-shoes Valleyfair co-worker who was

hard up for money and agreed to pose for some hardcore porn photos. I

was there with Lauren and Nick as a spectator for some odd reason,

perhaps hoping to invest in this model’s career.

 

968. How much to eat pee mixed with poop?

Mixed? Ew, that’s sick. On the side, please.

 

969. What song did you first play at your first solo DJ gig?

It was a big band song, probably Pennsylvania 6500

during dinner music hour.

 

970. What was the best thing to come out of your dog Simba?

She had a number of puppies over the years that were

sold or given away.

 

971. Other than the last question, when was the last time you thought

about Simba?

Lauren asked the other day what the dogs’ names

were. She was way off.

 

972. Where do box elder bugs go when they die?

Cracks in the sidewalk or Box Elder, SD. Yes, that

is a real town in South Dakota.

 

973. Sum up your relationship with Jim Rome in six words?

I actually respect what he says.

 

974. How would you do as a homeless person?

I would be okay. I know enough people in the area

that I wouldn’t be homeless for long.

 

975. Do you have strong feelings about saving coral reef?

There are like four things I have strong feelings

for. Coral reef just missed the cut.

 

976. Suggest one thing to make my life better?

Never, ever shave your facial hair completely off

again. You can trim it, but no clean shaving. Trust me, the babyface

look works on some people, but you are a man of hair.

 

977. Which brand of pens is most trustworthy?

I have good luck with Bic most of the time.

 

978. When was the last time you were up to your balls in water?

I’ve been in hot tubs and pools in the last few

months in which my balls were submerged.

 

979. Who would win in a fight between Goldilocks and Buzzlightyear?

Buzz Lightyear, but I only say that because he

supports Ron Paul and I don’t want Nick to be mad at me.

 

980. If you were prison cell mates with George Lopez would you

attempt extortion?

Maybe but first I’d get some pointers on a comedy

career.

 

981. Would you guess a bathroom at a massage center is very clean or

just kind of clean?

I would guess very clean. That’s the kind of place

that has to be spotless.

 

982. If you ate 20 gyros at gunpoint would you puke upon being

released?

If I could hold them down, yes.

 

983. If Matthew Lecroy’s ashes were for sale, how much would you want

and at what price?

Enough to sprinkle in your food while you weren’t

looking. I’d pay a few bucks for them.

 

984. If everyone had to celebrate 4-20 with pot, how many people

would die?

932,390 globally.

 

985. In what way did hurricane Katrina affect you?

A girl I had been seeing at the time had just left

South Dakota to move to New Orleans to spend the summer with her mom. I

wondered if she made it out alive. She did.

 

986. What do you think of the Decemberist?

They have one good song I know of that was on

Scrubs.

 

987. How would you treat a kidney infection?

Medication.

 

988. If there was a word you had to say before sleeping what would it

be?

Frick.

 

989. What should Jason Alexander endorse next?

Beef producing farms.

 

990. What was the last contest you had to forfeit?

There was a bleeding contest. After two pints I

forfeited.

 

991. If you had to start a campaign to endorse putting mustard on

something what would it be?

children’s shoes

 

992. At what age do you think you will check your stocks daily to see

how they are doing?

Probably not before I’m 40. I have some 401k stuff

going on but I check that very rarely.

 

993. Would you like to stare into an abyss?

If it wouldn’t blind me.

 

994. Would you rather be a samurai or a gladiator?

Gladiator because it sounds more like Gladden, as in

the Dazzle Man, Dan Gladden.

 

995. What do you think is up with those new Gatorade ads?

I’m not sure what you’re referring to, but Gatorade

has to be on the fringe of everything. I’m sure it seems weird now but

we’ll be used to it soon.

 

996. Would you enjoy human beat box training?

Actually yes. I can do a little of that kinda stuff

Blake Lewis-style.

 

997. Would you make a cake out of tang powder for laughs?

I would assist you in doing so anytime you wanted.

 

998. Would you be more excited to be in a Woody Allen movie or

featured on a Jay Z album?

I want the visual exposure, so Woody Allen. I better

get a good line too. A funny one like the pretzel line.

 

999. Do you think you will experience 15 minutes of fame?

By all means I have already done that on the local

scene. I imagine it will happen someday.

 

1000. What crime would you most want to commit in a pimp suit?

Soliciting prostitution on a playground.