The Golden Era of RyanGlanzer.com was 2004 to 2006. There were new Daily Log posts virtually every day, I had all sorts of fun features like Friend of the Day, and I documented every funny quote from a friend that I could remember.

I was revisiting my funny quotes list today and from the ~300 quotes, I made a list of the ones that made be laugh still to this day. And then I attempted to rank them in order of hilarity. After this, I’m going to just retire this quote list and move on and stop re-reading these damn things every year or two. But, hopefully this will bring back some fond memories to you just as it did for me!

To protect my friends’ identities as we are now all 30 or older and many have drastically different lives or lifestyles, I will only use initials… but you can probably figure out a lot of these anyway. And yes, some of these are things that I myself said, but if I can still make myself laugh ten years later, then so be it, they go on the list!

40. M.T. at college, telling a girl how familiar she looked to him: “You remind me of a cow we once had.”

39. I.C. at Valleyfair, pleading with me to take him out after work since he was from Poland and didn’t have his own car: “Oh Ryan, you MUST take me to disco!”

38. J.L. at a party, leaving a drunken voicemail for a fellow male co-worker: “I’m gonna make this short and sweet… just like you.”

37. E.B. in Detroit, in a bind: “There’s a prosthetic limb in the back of the RAV that I really need to get to the post office.”

36. C.A. at college, proclaiming his hatred for the theater department: “If I ever get within 50 yards of the DSU Drama Club again, shoot me.”

35. M.H. at college, happily recalling his game of James Bond: “I totally dominated Schwab in some hardcore Bond action last night.”

34. B.F. at a bar with friends:
J.L.: “Did she have nice boobs?”
B.F.: “Well, the one I was looking at was nice.”

33. P.L. while listening to a song: “If you’ve heard this song, you might recognize it.”

32. R.G. after being asked a long question:
K.L.:”If you were able to submit yourself as a cast member in the background of one of the following “Saved by the Bell” episodes, which would it be and why? 1) In the beach scene of the episode where Zack had to meet Slater and Kelly on “”Cut Day.”” 2) In the movie theater when Lisa and Screech went on their first “”real date”” with the rest of the gang. 3) In the sports shop at the mall where the gang hides when they are trying to get front row tickets to a U2 concert?”
R.G.: “I had a feeling you might ask that question.”

31. B.G. on a friend being born with defects:
V.A.: “When I was born I had a massive hole in my heart. I was a $90,000 baby!”
B.G.: “…You weren’t worth it.”

30. M.H. responding pitifully to a question in Art History class:
Professor: “What occupations dominated during the Renaissance?
M.H.: “Work-type jobs?”

29. S.R. on his cool new bachelor pad: “Yeah, it’s pretty sweet. There’s a shelf above the bed.”

28. T.B. on his admiration of strip clubs: “If there’s a wife I’ve never had, it’s a strip club.”

27. M.T. at college after watching some adult videos: “I think I’m a lesbian trapped inside a man’s body!”

26. C.A. on how unbelievably drunk he got one night: “Man, we were just… fucking… shit… fuck… annihilated.”

25. J.L. on the phone with a girl, trying to explain to her why I am not interested in dating her… “The thing with Glanzer is, he loves Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

24. J.L. at college, agreeing to do a project as quickly as possible: “I’ll do it faster than a… a box… full of… racecars… I don’t know where I’m going with this.”

23. P.L. on a girl he used to work with at Valleyfair: “She is a hermit that grew from under a bridge. If I kissed her I would cut my face off. Unless the acid from her face didn’t burn if off already.”

22. J.L. on food he can’t finish:
N.S.: “Don’t you hate it when there’s really good food you can’t finish?”
J.L.: “Almost as much as I hate my life.”

21. J.L., being interviewed on video about dating: “I know about women than anyone!”

20. P.L., leading a drinking game: “Everybody on the bus, choo-choo!”

19. J.L. on his shirt-wearing ability:
J.D.: “Hey, your shirt is on inside-out!”
J.L.: “Who am I, the pope?”

18. P.L. at the bar, being asked if we wanted anything additional: “No thanks, we’re deliciously done.”

17. J.L., unwilling to change the channel for a friend:
P.L.: “Go to channel 19 for a minute.”
J.L.: “Go to hell for a lifetime.”

16. J.L., on his ability to put on a shirt:
J.D.: “Man, it’s taking you forever to put on your sweatshirt!”
J.L.: “It’s taking you forever to be an asshole!”

15. J.L., on his brother’s unwillingness to keep drinking:
J.L.: “This is pathetic. It isn’t even amateur hour. It’s more like pedophilia hour.”

14. P.L, on what’s been happening in North Dakota:
R.G.: “I haven’t been to North Dakota in like seven years.”
P.L.: “Here’s what happened: a flock of seagulls flew over and some deer grew.”

13. J.L., on his friend’s new schedule:
S.V.: “My new thing is going to bed at a decent hour when I have class in the morning.”
J.L.: “My new thing is binge drinking every day… but I guess that isn’t really new.”

12. J.L., tricking his friend into believing he bought a cake for his birthday:
J.L.: “I got you an ice cream cake for your birthday!”
N.S.: “Oh boy!”
J.L.: “You’re going to be disappointed when I tell you there’s no ice cream cake.”

11. P.L., on soup: “Good soup is good, but bad soup is bad.”

10. P.L., refusing to buy a friend a beer: “I usually buy the DD a beer, but you’re driving, so…”

9. J.L., on a friend’s sheer excitement over a TV program:
S.C.: “Sweet! NASCAR’s Top 40 Moments Countdown!”
J.L.: “Have I died and gone to TV heaven?”

8. J.L., taunting a friend:
J.L.: “Hey, you wanna play Risk tonight?”
N.S.: “Do I!”
J.L.: “Then you’d better ask someone else cause I don’t want to.”

7. P.L., on getting elbowed in the ear in softball: “I was running to first and got elbowed in my hearing area.”

6. P.L., on the streets of Las Vegas in the middle of the night, dealing with a shady character:
Man: “You wanna buy this 5-disc CD changer?”
P.L.: “I don’t have a CD player.”
Man: “No, I have a CD changer. I’m asking if you want to buy this one.”
P.L.: “Oooh, I’m sorry, we’re not for sale.”

5. R.G., upset a friend can’t finish his food:
T.B.: “Oh man, I’m full.”
R.G.: “Full of shit, finish those fries!”

4. J.L. on drinking: “If I don’t get enough to drink I get tired and fall asleep… It’s a character flaw.”

3. T.B. on the streets of Las Vegas in the middle of the night, dealing with a shady character:
Man: “You guys wanna buy some good pot?”
T.B.: “Screw Celine Dion!”

2. J.L., upset with his brother’s poor excuse of an apology for not drinking more: “Don’t apologize to me; apologize to society for being in it.”

…And, the quote that, at least on this particular rainy Sunday, made me laugh the hardest…

1. J.L., amidst some road rage in Eden Prairie: “Use a damn blinker. Just because you have a kid in the backseat doesn’t mean you’re Princess Diana. And guess what—she’s dead. Get over it.”