Today was Lauren’s day to get up early with the kids while I slept in, but after I got up for good at 8:30, Lauren went back to bed and I took the kids to grab a quick curbside breakfast order at nearby Whataburger.

Upon returning home, Edie opened her pancake platter—three large pancakes, two strips of bacon, four hashbrown sticks, and a bottle of chocolate milk… mmmm!

After dousing her breakfast with way more syrup than necessary, Edie asked me for help pulling the foil seal off her chocolate milk. After doing so, she snatched the bottle out of my hand and cried “no, my do it!” I said, okay, fine, I’m all finished anyway, handing the bottle back to the 2-year-old. Edie then turned her chocolate milk bottle upside-down on her platter, looking very pleased with herself.

“No! What are you doing?!” I screamed as I yanked the bottle away from her. The pancakes and bacon were floating in a pool of milk, but Edie didn’t realize anything was wrong, and submerged her face into the plastic dish and began slurping. I took the dish and attempted in vain to pour the chocolate milk back into the container, but lots of food particles went with it. Edie snatched it back out of my hands and put her mouth around the entire outside of the bottle and tilted all the way back, filling her cheeks with pancakey-milk, then realized she couldn’t swallow the big gulp and choke-spitted it all over the table. John was sitting across from her just losing it.

Edie then took her milk-logged pancakes with her fists and began sucking the milk out of them as they crumbled into pieces and onto the floor, where the nearby beagle lapped it up. She seemed content smearing the cakes onto her face, so I sat down and began eating my breakfast sandwich.

She then put some milky bacon in her mouth and slurped the whole strip in like a piece of spaghetti, then sat and gnawed at it for a long while. That was pretty gross to witness, but it got worse. After a very long time chewing, she began choking, and as I ran towards her, she coughed up a wadded milky ball of gooey meat, which she admired for a moment and aimed to pick back up and eat again, but I swatted it to the floor, straight into the beagle’s open snout.

Edie failed to eat more than half a pancakes and tapped out, returning to my computer to watch more Little Angel and Baby JoJo.

It was the grossest display. FWIW, John and I both enjoyed our meals.